A coming change

 

I have been at this blog game for a while now- and with a body of work behind me I'm going to make a change. Starting from today there will be a drastic reduction of blogs on this channel as I split my free time towards creative writing efforts and the development of more essay-style blogs up here- so I'm not going to just be abandoning this blog or anything- just toning things down quite a bit.

 I expect to keep a monthly visit quota, but anything about that can change as I move into a new cycle. Still expect reviews and the odd off-the-cuff topic blog about something that catches my attention, but don't expect this to remain my daily diary blog space. Thanks for reading.

To the New Year

 

At this, the edge of the knife dangling from the crumbling rocks of this year threatening to plunge headfirst into the next, I wanted to touch on that most hopeful of topics- what the future has in store for us- the ever curious. This year has been much lauded for what it's done for the gaming world, what has been brought and what has, hopefully, been stoked within the hearts of creatives the world over. We can only see that the example of Baldur's Gate 3 has been set, whether anyone else is brave enough to try and reach that staggeringly open-faced, highly reactive, systematically dense title is anyone's guess going forward. But at the very least there are a bevy of ambitious looking titles coming in the near future that we can be excited about, or at least to hear about? Because honestly, I just want to hear that one of the games on this list still exists- pretty please.

First off is the obvious. Yes, I am excited for the upcoming 'Like a Dragon: Infinite Wealth'- which is an obvious pick being such a giant Yakuza fan as has been documented exhaustively on this here blog. But it goes a little deeper than just fandom. Every single snippet I hear about Like a Dragon 8 genuinely sounds like some of the most overly ambitious insanity this franchise has ever shot for, buy quite a crazy margin! Yakuza has always been a franchise of making due with what they had, for years most of the games didn't even have voiced side content because these games are made on a shoe-string compared to what the top of the Western AAA world are granted. But as Yakuza/Like a Dragon has made a name for itself in the west, that divide has shrunk further as SEGA has taken baby steps wading into the market and ensuring that we are, in fact, Like a Dragon fiends.

Infinite Wealth seems to be their most confident dive yet, as every aspect of what this new game is bringing to the table sounds genuinely insane. Much has already been said about it, but it cannot be overstated how over the top it is for them to just casually confirm how we're getting an Animal Crossing style resort management minigame just chucked atop the package here- one of the most elaborate sounding meta games this franchise has ever boasted, in a franchise full to the brim of meta games! And now they've even read the room and decided to thrown in a Rouge-lite dungeon which changes every time you delve into it, providing that kind of infinite challenge that AAA titles are starting to leech off of the indie game market. Infinite Wealth is looking like the biggest Yakuza game ever made, and I am hear for the cementing of their success as Japan's premier gaming export!

Elsewise- Final Fantasy has settled itself in my psyche through my inexplicable catching up on all things '7 Remake' over the past few months, which naturally means I'm ready for the coming next step on that adventure- Rebirth. (despite the growing concerns that this is going to be a 200 GB game. Not looking forward to Harddrive wiping just to play this one title.) Final Fantasy 7 Re- franchise has the potential to change the face of an absolute classic in a manner that does not set the entire fanbase aflame, and if we can follow along bright eyed for that journey, I want to be there on the cusp! The PS first release debate is a kick to the ego, as always, but I managed to avoid spoilers for the first game for several years, I'm sure the exercise will remain second nature going into this one. I just want to see what has been made of this recreation of the original game's best hours.

Oh and let us not forget the one game who is sailing on the wings of the new year ready to bring life back to an old narrative. The Remake for Persona 3, named 'Reloaded', looks absolutely fantastic- better each trailer- reviving the classic narrative of The Dark Hour and the team that come together in order to save the world and stop it. Touching on themes of arresting depression and death-like apathy, and finding connection and meaning through those that are our friends. It promises to provide a fantastic experience to those who have never had the chance to play the original, as well as grant a whole new audience to it's incredible hybrid electronic soundtrack which, unsurprisingly, is one of the best JRPG soundtracks ever made. Give it to the Persona team to know where to put the bulk-load of their efforts! 

And another game I'm looking forward to? Well, call me a dreamer and a fool and a hopeless romantic fawning over a future he will never get the chance to see- because I am low-key all of those things for expecting to see literally anything regarding Hollow Knight Silksong. I know it's a meme at this point, the game that doesn't exist being teased year after year to a hopeful public, but I've enough experience with the budding franchise to insist that to me it is more than the meme. I utterly adored the expertly interwoven dark-fantasy epic, plucked from the heart of FromSoft souls game, a narrative which collided perfectly with the slick pixel-exact platforming combat in a glorious fusion of undeniable excellence. Hollow Knight is the best platformer ever made, and the promise of a sequel is enough to get me excited out of my mind.

Throw that excitement atop all the reveals we've had regarding the ways in which Hornet's adventure will differ from the Knight's, her spinning pirouettes, grappling hook Needle- the fact she can actually talk- I'm beyond giddy to get my hands on it myself. But like a vision of a ghost we can't seem to grasp anything concrete. The most we've ever managed to squeeze out of Team Cherry was a release window for sometime in 2023 which... well, we're slid right past that- haven't we? I hope this is all because they are nose-to-the-grindstone making the best possible game that they can, but at this point they've been so radio silent I'm not certain the equator hasn't opened up and swallowed the entire studio! Couldn't they just give us a screenshot or something? Let us know the thing is in some sort of production? Gah- this is driving me insane already!

And the last thing the new year has in store that I am, let's say morbidly, curious about would be the coming expansion for Starfield later in 2024. (Due for a year after the original launch.) That will be the moment to see if Bethesda are still stubbornly sticking to their guns or taking into account the very loud feedback they received about the game they made, and if they follow the right examples (Minecraft comes to mind) they may just be able to forge something a bit more interesting out of their currently barren universe. Oh, and I'm also looking forward to hearing about GTA 6 being delayed until late 2025- that's an exciting one! Okay, I should probably wrap this up before I slip into pure unadulterated sardony from which there will be no recovery.

The 25th

 

So here it is, Merry Monday. A time of the year pertaining to some form of magic or some such, I'm really not well versed on the intricacies of it all myself. All I know is that this is the point at which food has been stockpiling as though we're about to embark on a journey through a post apocalypse with nary but the dust bandits to munch on. Seriously, what is the obsession with Christmas and puffing yourself up like a stuffed pig? Am I complaining? Not really, my metabolism had always had mercy on my figure- I just fail to see the correlation. Perhaps the original celebration of Christmas, before Christianity sunk it's paws into the tradition, holds some sway there. Yes, that would make sense- wouldn't it? Medieval villagers stocking up on food in order to survive the winter, gorging themselves on the excesses in a joyous feast. Actually, in that characterisation it sounds more like glamourous suicide. I don't get, it just doesn't make sense.

You know what else doesn't make sense? How this year just turned around and attacked the world with an onslaught of brilliant games that just seemed to fall out of the sky! When this year began all I was really looking forward to was Like a Dragon Ishin- which I still haven't had the chance to get to play! But in it's place we were all pelted with the likes of the surprisingly quality Dead Space, the stand-up (if somewhat po-faced) Resident Evil 4 Remake, the bar raising Baldur's Gate 3, the delightfully complex Rogue Trader- and sitting on a heavenly cloud above them all? The unspeakable majestic face-plant that was Gollum- perhaps the greatest, actually released, disaster of the year. Because what is a good year of gaming without steaming turds to remind us of the effort those great games took to make it? (I'm giving the top slot to Gollum because The Day Before was just a failed scam, no different to any crypto grift rug-pull.)

It really cannot be overstated how good of a year this was for gaming, and I've certainly had my fill of that time. Unfortunately all three of my top 3 played console games aren't worth really writing home about. My most played game is Starfield, which utterly shocked me- but I guess I did blow through 200 hours in about a month. Still, I haven't touched it in the months since, for what that's worth. My second most played? Assassin's Creed Odyssey. Wow. That is 100+ hours of increasingly painful torture that felt like it was never going to end. What a mark of shame! And number 3? Assassin's Creed Valhalla. That one shocked me, because I'm intentionally taking Valhalla at a much slower pace for my own sanities sake- I didn't realise I was only 20 hours behind my Odyssey playtime. Which is worrying both because I don't really feel like Valhalla is winding down anytime soon, and because I haven't even started any of the DLC content! (Gods, I am terrified of what awaits.)

Of course, the majority of my gaming is done on the computer these days, so most of those figures aren't worth a damn anyway. And on the PC my top three are a lot more worthy of print. Baldur's Gate 3, at the top, where it absolutely deserves to be! And below that, a dark horse, Cyberpunk 2077- dominating with that 2.0 comeback story- and really blowing me away in the process! (Although I think it was the building of my new PC which really spurred me to get back into the game. Playing on scuff custom settings versus pure ultra 2.0 ray tracing are totally different beasts.) And thirdly- how surprisingly unsurprising- Skyrim. I dedicated quite some time to my 'ultimate' playthrough, which was so exhaustive I'm not even sure I want to do another. Although that last one was on my scuff PC... and I bet my new one could put that game to task... gah! I really need to learn to put that darn game down! (But it's just so good!)

Using my equipment, my brother has deepened his covenant with the Sonic franchise, having been granted access to the temples of Generations, Origins and Superstars: he has spent the bulk load of his time on my computer- playing Mania. Yes, he still simps of the modern/classic revival, which-to-be-fair, is probably the best Sonic game out so I can't really blame the lad. I just wish I could get him into any of the other dozens of games I've thrown his way! Psychonauts! Bully! Hollow Knight! It's as though he mocks me, remaining staunchly within the small cadre of 2D Sonic games knowing how eager I am to expand his horizons to new genres and franchises! (I'll make him a JRPG fan if it kills me! Which it probably will at this rate...)

In the handheld department, my Nintendo Switch was granted access to the spectacular Tears of the Kingdom, which I never quite got the chance to play because I upgraded my PC to something quality and that has kind of stolen my attention. Still, even though Nintendo do not grant us a 'Year in review' of any sorts, I know well which game I spent the most time playing. Pokemon Scarlet had me gripped in it's vice-like stickerbook collect-athon to literally catch them all. In the past month I found myself utterly bewitched by the possibility of completeing the various Pokedex's of the main game and DLC, likely because I knew the release of The Indigio Disk would be the last time that the in-gen trade scene was still somewhat active. And with all that work I'm happy to declare myself fully done with the game. I literally cannot look at Pokemon Scarlet without suffering waking nightmares of the abysmal capture rates for all 25 legendaries added, not to mention the online BBQ's I had to grind in order to unlock them. (Never once managed to do the 4 star sandwich group quest. I assume it's impossible.)

And in the recluse of my free time between the actual job that I have and the fake job of writing this accursed blog of mine, I find myself keeping these little fingers busy slowly learning some of the tricks of design. Game Design is kind of a casual past time I work on, spurred on by some 3D model photography I decided to teach myself which encouraged something of a resurgence of my interest in Python in order to make use of my rendered pictures. I've also got a few courses burning a hole in the back of my email inbox for proper Unreal Engine projects. Pretty much just enough so that I can dip my toes in the waters and confirm that I have indeed, tried a little bit of game design. Even in some small way, and I find it rather fun.

Which in a macro sense wraps up my look back at the year of 2023 for me. Overbrimming with stuff compared to the usual happenings and with just enough activity to supress the ticking time bomb that is my psychopathy from melting down and sending me screaming down the streets begging anyone who will listen to watch out for them because: "They're already here!" I would call this a good year, but in truth it's been a fine one. Comparison makes fools of us all but I feel better this Christmas than I have on any other since reaching adulthood. And I'm somewhat more confident too, I have medium to big plans for the coming 2024, and I'm eager to see reality kick them in the nuts and break those dreams apart like it's destined to. That's just life afterall, amirite? And finally: 1654 published blogs- four and a half years- how time flies! With 51,000+ views! And no subscribers, but I'll take what I can get and that is just nuts all on it's own. What exactly is it that you all find worth reading here? Maybe we all just like laughing at Fnastic together. I can gel with mutual mockery, for sure.

So this is Christmas

 And what have I done?

Another year over... and I can't remember the rest of the lyrics so I'm just going to stop that right now. 'Felix Navidad'. everybody, and all that good fine stuff that we pretend to be all happy and excited about. But don't worry, it is so very easy to turn the perception of excitement into the real tangible thing if you just squeeze tightly and devote yourself to the heart of the cards! Ops, am I being a debbie downer again? This time of year does that to me. Gnawing at the receptors in my brain and tipping my humours all over the place. Dark in the afternoon, cold in the mid-day, terrible music out of every store; I've always found this time of year felt more like a dirge mourning the year so very close to passing; after which you're just unceremoniously dropped in the next moment, briars twisting up from inside your gut as you realise that vacation you settled into is all but used up. It's January now; reckoning time!

Of what of my reckoning? What is due for me in the new year? Well, for the first time in a long time I'm feeling cautiously optimistic. One of the few humps in the largely downwards coaster that is my outlook on this life. Not because of what I've already done with this blog, mind you, but because of what I think might be possible with it, and it's achievements, in the months to come. Which is my way of saying, I'm not entirely sure if I'll even be able to keep up the one-a-day pace I've maintained on this page for so very long that I honestly don't won't to look it up so it won't make me feel totally depressed. The vast spectrum of utility this blog serves for my personal well being, up in this headspace of mine, does not extend so far as to cure my acute Chronophobia, unfortunately. 

Although speaking of things that I have done; would you believe I've actually finished my first entire fictional story? It is nothing special, only a short story covering 5 chapters and the concept slides adjacent to what one might consider Fan Fiction, though I loathe all the embarrassing connotations such a label summons. I shun those hallmarks of the genre (self inserts, drifting narrative focus, paper thin characters) quite vehemently whenever I write, but it doesn't matter what you say; you make a piece of work based on an established lore and it's over for you, buddy! Self respect goes 'bye bye'! If only I had any modicum of personal confidence or self belief, I might be scared to actually ever try to make something I might consider decent which is also a Fan Fiction. And I sure as heck wouldn't talk about it on this publicly accessible blog, regardless of how few people actually read it. But I do lack all of those things, and I have no respect. I could shrivel up and fry under the mid-day sun and the Earth would scarcely know that I was gone. Although... now I've got a full piece of written work under my belt, so that's something at least.

Maybe in a way I see it as my only personal rebellion cry out to the cold vacuum of the world: "I exist and I can write mediocre fiction, world!" Maybe it's the idea of actually being alongside with something from inception to adulthood, simulating my latent paternal desires which will surely wither and dry up as I do down here in this pit of existence we've labelled 'Croydon'. (Urgh, a more dull and dire pit of hell I cannot even begin to envision.) And maybe my fan fiction is just a way of giving back to a story I quite like. Nothing more complex or intricate than that. But I'm delaying, what was my Fan Fiction about? Quite a popular franchise actually. One I've spoken of here quite a bit and one which is actually on it's way to try and break into the mainstream with a TV series. That kind of makes my Fallout fan fiction seem even smaller in the grand scheme of things, honestly.

Yes, Fallout. Universe of the apocalypse mixed with fifties futurism and stirred up into a darkly twisted comedy franchise which is slowly getting worse as the game go on but we forgive them because we remember how good it was in the middle there. I was spurred to tell a story of the Fallout world not so long after I finished my heavily modded New Vegas Playthrough. Despite saving 'The Frontier' until the end (urg, what a bizarre finale mod...) I simply adored what I consider to be my most interesting playthrough of a game I've enjoyed for over a decade now. I loved my time so much, in fact, that I didn't want it to end. Or at least, I didn't want it to end without the right send-off. In a way that was what this story was, a character send-off for the Courier that I lived with. (Even if he is never referred to as 'The Courier' throughout all 5 of my chapters because I'm sadistically hostile to my own creative function, apparently.)

By the standards of the usual things I write and abandon, I consider the narrative to be complete and the story to be told. I do sort of flip a narrative concept on it's head and end the story 'in medias res' whilst giving the beginning a very flat and traditional introduction, but that's not to 'leave the audience wanting more' so to speak. It's more to highlight the significance of what the story is actually about and not the actual physical events themselves which serve as the vehicle of- why am I explaining this here? You don't want to hear about my limp narrative techniques! At the very least I should do that in a dedicated blog. You want me to wish happy new years upon you and send you on you way; of which I will do... in a bit, just let me rattle on a bit more!

Because you see, I'm at a crossroads. This story I have exists on my hard-drive and my email, and is floating about in a few other places. I haven't posted it online yet. After I get an external look through for editing, it is my intention to just slap it up somewhere. Maybe Fanfiction.net maybe the other one. Maybe both. But what about here? Would that be weird? I mean- we don't have a concerted topic of conversation that we never deviate from under any circumstance around here or anything- but we also don't really dive into original fiction stories either. But I just feel like it's right, in a way. I started this blog for many reason, one of which being that I've tried several times to start a diary and just can't find interesting enough things about myself to jot down there. So I talk about stuff I do find interesting, be it pop culture or significant world events or current events analysis or arbitrary reviews. But would putting my own fiction on here be a step to far?

So much of myself it already present on this blog, but the barrier of the man I portray when I write is like the only vestige of pyjamas I maintain between myself on my posting. Genuine fiction shatters that thin fabric and leaves me bared, open to judgement. I'm afraid what I'd be sharing about myself, even if it is in a silly little fan-fiction story about a man who wanders without a destination. I don't know why I'm airing my doubts. No one will respond. But it feels good to write. Like I said, this is my diary. Just a public facing diary I speak out loud in the middle of a public park whilst people walk past and pointedly ignore me. I think I will probably upload it here, but in January. Give myself a five day break for all my hard work writing the thing. You'd let me have that, wouldn't you? Whatever- Felix Navidad. You can go now.

Blog 1000

 That makes me feel old

Ring-a-ding-ding, that's the big four digits, baby; I can't possibly top myself now. Once a day, every day, sleet or shine, rain or snow, I've published a blog relentlessly and you know what; I still don't know why I did it. Okay, that's not entirely true: I did it in order to obfuscate the helpless miasma of depression I woke up choking to every relentless day. To try and seize back some semblance of order and purpose in a vacuous, empty life and, much more vapidly, to and stretch that veil of escapism past my idle dreams until it would enshroud and infuse into my very life. Afterall, if I revolved my life around covering something I loved which I used to escape the shivering reality of who and where I am, than I could live that dream forever. Whatsmore, I've always sort of been interested in writing and storytelling, and figured this regular outlet could be a way for me to practice. All of these points have been true from the beginning, although I've only bothered to address and realise them in totality now, so let's go over my progress in each to celebrate Blog number 1000. Yeah that might not sound very sexy, but I've always done what I want up until now, and I'm going to continue.

First, depression, has this helped with the depression? Certainly- I'd like to think so at least. This blog has proven to be a call-to-action that I attend to everyday without fail, which replaced the space left there after I left school. I still haven't managed to secure any permanent employment, and my part-time job is currently so infrequent that I'm going several weeks without any duties, but through that all, this silly little blog had kept me waking up every single morning. Although I can't say it's a cure-all by any means, more a distraction. Which I suppose is all anyone can hope to do when faced with their most invasive foe, themselves. Ideally it would probably make sense to book time with a psychiatrist and attack the route of my problem, but if you've been paying attention than you'll probably realise that I don't exactly have the disposable income to burn like that. Which, of course, has led me to adopt the attitude of not wanting to seek out the service that I can't possibly afford right now, which in turn has moulded me into being the worst possible theoretical patient for therapy because it is crucially only effective on those who want to work with it, whereas I've Jedi mind-tricked myself to think I'm perfectly mentally healthy.

Secondly there's the helplessness and instilling order back into my routine; I've touched upon this when talking about depression and just looking at the purpose of this article (celebrating number 1000) pretty much explains this point itself, but I'll elaborate. Yes, after the end of School and my subsequent lack of gainful employment, I've been decently lost, which feeds into the self resentment and collates into food for depression. I have a responsibility now. Sure it's a vapid and meaningless one, fuelled entirely by my self-adopted want for purpose, but through commitment I actualise it. There hasn't been a single day in the past 1000 that I failed to upload a blog, and if you look back and the dates don't quiet line-up for the odd day, check the surrounding blogs to see and you'll find a double day post, simply because I screwed up a number during scheduling. (I do all Weekday blogs a week in advance, so scheduling mistakes happen.) I've maintained that diligence for me, and nothing short of death or (god forbid) my PC dying could get in the way of that. 

And thirdly there's the quality of my writing, which I suppose is something I have to leave in the eyes of the beholder. Or rather I would, but no one reads this blog other than spam bots, so I guess I'm stuck evaluating myself here as well. I like to think I've improved, I'm certainly more confident. But the way I use language, the consistency of my written speech and how I flow; I genuinely don't know if that's changed even the slightest. I go back to my earliest blogs and they're longer, for sure, but they're much the same style, I'd consider a lot of them decent or even good by my present day standards. I expected that the three years of diligent practice and growth would be marked, that I'd be a different person on the otherside capable of looking upon my pitiful early scribblings and scoff at their rudimentary failures, but I still don't have that eye. I guess that's just another way that my wiring has failed me, and I screwed up trying to slot into my expected endgame. I can't even improve my only craft with hard work: how pathetic.

In truth, I really don't like the way I write. I mean bitterly. I enjoy the act of writing, and I'd have to in order to come back to this time and time again, but the second it comes to creative writing (which I do as well when not blogging or staring at Youtube) I consistently find myself gnawing at my graceless fingers for their ineloquence. I persist, because without this, and my creative writing, I would literally be rotting and could very well have reached the point where I just end it all. But I'm not satisfied, not ever. Recently I've been working on a story, it's not a short story because I'm not talented enough to be concise, even as I've tried, and it has been very slow going. I'm on chapter 4 out of a projected 27, (I'm suspecting I may have lowballed myself) and it's been about 5 or 6 months. 

Getting to the point where I was comfortable sharing my first chapter with others was so much harder than I expected, and I thought all of this, publishing my every daily thought onto the internet, would prepare me for that but I was so wrong. I guess it's because at the end of the day I know that even though people could feasibly read these posts, no one actually does, whereas hand delivering print-outs of my first chapter, even to a friendly face, is welcoming and guaranteeing criticism. So then what do I find so terrifying about that? The truth, honestly. So much of what I do, and why I do it, has been about hiding tough truths from my eyes so that I can continue to function with anything resembling a soul still in me, and having that shattered once I learn that, much as I suspected, I truly do have no talent whatsoever, is perhaps the darkest of ends I can foresee.

I know I'm bad, but I keep doing it. It's not so defiant and obstinate as all that makes it sound, it's actually out of fear of where I'll be if I stop and wipe the clouds from my eyes for a second. I figured time and practice would sharpen me: but we already know where am I with that, now don't we? Everyday I see my ability totally eclipsed, from every source, and though I struggle and say "That's your model, get as good as that!" I end up sitting down to write and spewing out total unusable garbage. It's getting to the point where I'm starting to see myself as the lost cause that everyone who's ever seen my CV seems to already know that I am. I can't get a proper interview with anyone for anything, can't contribute to my passion of writing in even the most basic fashion, and can't seem to improve no matter how hard I try. And perhaps on the otherside of that you can see why this blog is so important to me.

It's not that I have no standards to this blog, it's just that doing this is more like having a conversation. Maybe it's more of a monologue, because I'm writing for myself, but the effect is still the same. It's largely effortless, fun, and sometimes makes me feel genuinely accomplished. Nothing, not even my actual work days, can make me feel deserving of taking chill-time than sitting down and finishing this blog, which makes it the fulcrum that every delicate balance around the, spinning-plate routine which is me, relies on to function. So to the void of the internet, to 1000 blogs and to me, I say thank you for keeping my afloat. There won't be a 2000 blog milestone, for whichever of the numerous reasons above, but I'm glad I managed to somehow make it this far in the first place. Now I don't really have anymore milestones to shoot for, but I'll continue to drag this thing out so very far past it's prime because at this point I'm too scared not too... cheers.

Blog 900... (and a bit)

 Beep Boop- =Connection to Nonsense blog- =ESTABLISHED=

I'm late, but I don't care. Do you care? Didn't think so. So 900, we're hitting the endgame, ladies and gentlemen, the final stretch. From here on out it's nothing but half-assed bad faith blogs until I hit four digits and I'm gone in a flash. Only joking, maybe. But this has been a year of significant 'catching up' on my part, and of teeing myself up for a whole lot more games on the horizon. I have two huge RPG franchises that I've got lined up for after I've beaten the CRPGs on my plate, I've got a bunch of shows that I haven't finished on this blog, I've got Jojo's Bizzare Adventure Stone Ocean coming up which is in two days from the writing of this blog, and I've really started to hit a momentum of just too much going on. Which, to be clear, when all that stuff is deposited upon someone with major depressive tendencies, 'too Much' is the ideal.

I do feel like I need to throw a bit of apology down for several series' that I've let completely drop off, but I don't forget a single one and they will all be completed one day. The first of which is the amazing series of Resident Evil 1 blogs that took so much to go through because I analysed literally every square inch of the game. I was just about to leave the mansion and start the second half of the game before my TV broke and it became untenable for me to really continue that series, but I really should find a way to get back around to it one day. Heck, I had the intention of going through every single Resident Evil game in preparation of the 4 remake, but at this rate it looks like the 4 remake is going to come out a long time in advance. I don't mean to abandon it, at all, but I can't really land an ETA I'm afraid. (4k TVs don't come cheap)

There were two TV series' I was covering that I've given up on. But again, it's only temporary. The Dragon's Dogma series fell off because of my dread for the next episode, knowing what Lust was about from a long time coming. And then there's the Resident Evil CGI series, but that second one I actually have an excuse for. Pretty much the second after I started covering it, talk went out for a Netflix movie, two in fact, and I felt more attracted to those then I did this series. Now the first has come out and the only thing stopping me from watching it is this lingering series, so I am going to finish watching them. However, both take second fiddle for Stone Ocean, because if these Netflix Originals are as spotty as people say, then I'm going to want something objectively good to wash out my eyes afterwards. I'll get around to DD at some point, I dunno.

The other one- the big one- listen, the XCOM series is going to take some time. I recently put out a blog about 'getting back into the swing of things' and I kid you not, that very night I intended to dive into it. Guess what happened. Why even bother, you know. Day freakin' 1 I was lead right into an ambush on my first turn and someone died from a single damned Sectoid shot. I couldn't take it, I just killed the run right there. Remember, please do, that I prepared for this run of XCOM by playing through Casual and Normal difficulty, to their completion, on Ironman! The jump should not have been this jarring, but somehow it is and I'm stuck in a proverbial battle against my own crappy demons. I have to struggle with my pathetic inadequacies in order to stomach that Classic Ironman, and most days I don't know if I can. And with so many other games on my plate, more arriving everyday, I have reasons. Except they're not reasons, they're excuses, and the more of them I hide behind the more my shame grows and the more insurmountable the mountain grows between me and my next attempt.   

Why start down a road that's destined for failure? Why start down any road when they all lead to the same place? It's like being trapped in a hall of mirrors, each reflecting a disappointment in yourself, and having to choose which way you'll sicken yourself this time. But if I can delay the journey, forget about the road, project myself elsewhere, then I can frolic in the fantasy just that bit longer and be happy. Happy. But it's not happiness is it? It's bondage, frocked in wreathes of flowers and sunny smiles, but chains around my wrists all the same. There's no way around it, no way without it, the only way is through. Damn it, I went through so many CRPGs this year, hell I beat Amelyssan! (Mostly fairly too) And I've beaten Classic XCom before, at least twice! All I need to do is channel that again. Only without making mistakes. And with no one dying... I need to work up my strength, guys. But I will face it again, and again, and once more still, until I stand with broken bones and ground teeth at the otherend of this pox ridden campaign. And then I can start the next stupid challenge blog. (I have a feeling I know what it'll be, but I just don't know if I have the strength to pursue it.) 

Ahem. But aside from those outstanding blogs, I've been fairly happy with how these past few months have panned out for me. I've really enriched my gaming culture by discovering all those '*true* RPGs' that the insufferable gatekeeping asshats on every forum always natters on and on about in their many endless diatribes. And they're pretty fun, I have to admit. Although I wonder if enduring video games that have more mandatory reading in them than your average RPG qualifies those people to become a new superior race of human above the rest of us like they seem to believe it does. Well, I'm no philosopher, so I can't really say, you'd have to invoke the spirit of Carl Jung and wring out some of that Persona talk he seems to love so very much. (I wonder if he's ever studied Hinduism, I see similarities between his work and some Hindu beliefs about the connected soul.)

But you know who does fancy himself a philosopher of some sort? Hideo Kojima, or at least that's the impression I get after playing, first enduring and then quite liking, Death Stranding. How generous it has been of Sony to spit out their old classics for us PC players to finally pounce on, although I did still linger until a heavy sale because I am a career leach. (Bite me, former 'Days Gone' Director) I can see that this review is going to be very interesting, and although I find a lot of the ideas espoused to be very un-unique, I will admit that the presentation has left enough room for introspection to squirrel her wirery little digits into my subconscious. I spent six hours knees-down in the dirt working today, and a good amount of that time was spent pondering the meaning of connection and my relation to it, all because of this poxxy game about touchy-feely hand monster ghost things. Dammit Kojima, you've won again this time...

So there's me right now, pretty much summed up in eight paragraphs, which has been by standard for a good while now. (Just long enough to have detail, just short enough to not make someone groan at the prospect of having to read it) I haven't done a study blog in a while, but I'm rather busy in my free time with creative writing, so I'm not beating myself up about it. I'm feeling decently better about myself, although historically that is the moment before some other unseen shoe drops out of the sky to knock me for six, so I'm looking out for that. I'm okay. I think that's a fair middle ground for everything. Oh- except for the fact I still can't find a bloody next gen console! You listen here, Sony/Microsoft, how about you get off your- distribution problems- rookie mistake- scalpers- rarer than antimatter- can't find- whe- ho- pr- =CONNECTION LOST=

Post 800

 No one told you life was gonna be this way >clap<>clap<>clap<

So it would seem that I blazed right past post 800 without even realising it, likely due to how preoccupied I am with just making these darn things and queuing up the next one, all without really stopping to take stock of everything I've made up until now. But now that I've quite literally carved the time out for myself like a Halloween Pumpkin, just give me a moment to bask in it. Eight Hundred. Good god, what a trip that is. To think that something which started as a hair of a whim would balloon and gorge itself out in such a grotesque fashion is... fitting. Miyazaki-esque, almost. For something to persist far past it's usefulness and then to morph into this unreasonable, unstoppable force; why, I might have been scared of thing myself were I not having such a blast filling it in. Oh, and that, dear reader, is where I'm currently at which my opinions on this whole 'endeavour'. I have my ups and downs, today I'm at an up, tomorrow I could be at a down. Neuroses' can be inconsistent like that. 

But I think my current enthusiasm might be driven by the pure smothering of things I have to talk about recently; to the point where I'm fit to bursting for wanting to talk about it all. Heck, there's still a lingering game or two from E3 I still want to cover, but which I likely won't be thanks to the plain fact that it's in the past now and the next events are already upon us. It seems almost deeply irresponsible, given the chosen vocation for this blog, for me to be taken this aback by these upcoming events, but I always am. Shouldn't I know that Gamescon is just around the corner by now? Isn't it weird for me to be looking up E3 times when it's the same every year? What's wrong with just setting reminders on the computer? Honestly, I think that the ignorance by somewhat unintentionally intentional, in that a part of me likes the surprise of learning there's a cadre of new games just around the bend.

Sometimes it helps to have these events that postulate and proposition the future of the internet gaming hype train, because that instantly makes them whole football fields more accessible than other events of significance, like the release of a game itself. Still, I can't help shake the feeling that somehow I'm missing out, such as with the recently dropped Psychonauts 2, sequel to the Tim Schafer classic. On one hand I'm letting that entire launch pass me by, but on the otherhand I never played the original, and my style of review typically takes into account the entire series thus I'd only be doing the quality of this blog a disservice by rushing to meet the launch. Not to mention the fact that there's a canonical VR game in-between there that I'd have to figure out how to play, despite having never played VR before. And then there's the fact that I just like enjoying games at my own, lethargic, pace. After all that I don't feel like I'm missing out too much at all.

Of course, gaming news isn't the only thing hurtling towards us, and in fact the entertainment world is forever drowning in new announcements and 'exciting' exposes that trying to keep a hand on everything is unavoidably overwhelming. Even sticking to gaming alone I feel like I sometimes feel like a tidal wave is crushing me everytime the week starts, and thus it's little wonder why marketing slips away from us into straight stupid territory, just so that the new stuff can stand out. I'm not even talking about the gimmicky stuff like when Capcom hid prosthetic body parts around London and got the Police called on them, instead I'm talking about the deluge of honeyed-words and barely coated lies that characterise a lot of AAA marketing these days. It can make the excited who buy into it and encourage others to do the same, feel responsible when things don't go to plan, which is a really crappy way of handling the enthusiast/developer relationship. 

Not that such dichotomies hang over my head as such, they just scratch around in the space behind my eyes, forcing the odd bout of introspection out of me against my efforts and wishes. Is this me gently hinting that I feel guilty over my Cyberpunk blogs? (before the release) A little, honestly. Which is probably why I rail so hard against CDPR and everything they've done since, because they made such a fool out of me and even my light scepticism wasn't nearly enough to shield from the colossal screw up. That being said, I've taken a considerable effort not to hound them constantly, because I find such practises boring and I have so many other topics to rattle on about anyway. (Who else is going to cover the extreme nationalistic-isolationist leanings of The Elder Scrolls III Morrowind's narrative? Who else would be that bizarre?)

Speaking of 'Bizarre', I found it a lot of fun to talk about one of my other keen loves in Jojo's Bizarre Adventure recently, even if the topic was a complete divergence from everything this blog is really about. I like to sprinkle in the odd helpings of other stuff that grabs me here and there, just to keep the blogs fresh and the heart beating whenever I sit down to do these- the freedom of choice really is what makes this. But again, that doesn't mean I want to make any of that a regular thing, once in a while is fine by me. Besides, what do I really have to say about something like the tentative title for Jojo Part 9 being 'Jojo Lands'? It sounds like an amusement park ride? It could be the title of a fight-to-the-death style gladiatorial brawl between each Jojo protagonist up until now? Nothing I've said can't be covered by those with considerably more details on this topic and the artform of manga in general, thus I'm better off just shutting up and watching the whole thing unfold. (I'm sure Araki knows what he's doing. Probably.)

And then finally there's always the new and exciting movie news that lands at our doorstep which I'm ever happy for (escapism is important, afterall.) I've said before that I'm not a huge movie buff and usually only really see one or two new movies a year, but that doesn't mean I don't saunter up to the news cycle and get all up in the business of new releases just to scope out whatever might suit my tastes best. Point-in-case, Spiderman No Way Home which in it's trailer alone promises to tap into my childhood and bring back Alfred Molina as Doctor Octopus! I mean, we already knew beyond a doubt that was happening anyway, but actually seeing it makes my heart soar, ya know? It sure is manipulative and if this were a game studio waving an old favourite in front of my eyes I'd be quick to call them out on their BS, but I guess I just don't take movies that serious. (It helps when movies don't burn as big a hole in my wallet as games do.)

So that's been me over the past 100 blogs (Or so, again, these milestones slip away from me) not much about myself and that's because I've really settled into the entertainment world as my outlet. Perhaps that's the proper state of zen for an amateur writer to access, or perhaps I'm slowly slipping away into various fantasy worlds; honestly, neither fate sounds particular better or worse than the other to me right now so I may be already too far gone. I've no lofty assertation about the next 100 blogs, because honestly I have so many other things that I'm juggling right now, it doesn't make sense to line-up any big projects beyond the odd review. Oh, actually; there are certainly some show reviews I need to get back to and finish. Dragon's Dogma just made me hit a funk for several reasons, one of which you'll figure out presently once I hit my review of episode 3: Lust. So... yeah. That's about it, see ya.

Jesus; we're at 600

 Actually it's more like 610 right now, but I wrote this at 600

I think that I can safely say that this straight up snuck up on me out of nowhere. Here I was entirely absorbed in the daily grind, blog after blog, never really paying attention to the number, and then I looked it up just a couple of days before the milestone. (That's the reason why this is actually a little late, couldn't fit it into the schedule) In some ways I suppose it was inevitable for me to make it this far, what with the rate at which I pump these out, but I have to be honest that this wasn't always the plan. At the beginning I made it very clear that I only intended to post at least once a week, but man has that turned around! Once a week feels like an eternity now. I don't what I'd do with myself in that time. Go crazy and get institutionalized, probably. So whilst I forever refuse to stick to anything formal (for strange reasons of my own) I suppose this is a pace I intend to keep. For or against my own good.

The world's not much changed, has it? Well, I suppose there's some places around the world with the good fortune to get a break, but down here it's like we've rewound to March. (Of course, I'm referring to how own little neighbourhood global pandemic is shaping up.) We've got lockdowns for the next 2 months at least, and it's certainly making it hardy to imagine the gradual transition out of this on the other end. How the heck am I ever going to enter a public place without putting a mask on first? Simple, I probably won't. Ever again. Apart from that, however, the only real effect is that it's now socially acceptable for people to cross the street at the sight of me, which suits me just fine to be honest. I am British, afterall, being standoffish is part of the deal. Yes, antisociality has really served me well these past 12 months. (and no, that's not a word) Yet being here, getting to speak with the void of these blog pages, that's been enough for me, weirdly enough. (Maybe I should have kept to a diary... Nope, I just reaffirmed my position. Diaries are useless trite to a book.)

This blog, rather conversely, has changed. Albeit a little, and gradually, that none might notice. If you care enough to look back you might notice how the lengths of these blogs look kind of uniform of late, and that's because I'm getting a little strict about keeping them a similar length. I mean, since the beginning I've always had the rule that they couldn't be shorter than 8 paragraphs (With the rub really lying on how long I make those paragraphs) but now I'm starting to reach a point where I rarely let them go beyond that either. Now bare in mind, this isn't response to some received feedback, I've never even got a single piece of feedback on this blog once, but a simple reflection of my own. And a forced change. Call it a mix of both. 50/50. Firstly, I started to get a bit more uniform in my daily routine, actually doing things at certain times that wasn't just writing. (I also do personal writing, so my free time is generally pretty shot) This gave me less time to spend on blogs and meant I had to be concise when writing these. And secondly I just decided that no one would really read the big blogs anyway. Not that anyone reads these small blogs either, but I'm trying to get a little empathetic here; that's a big step for me, let me have this.

Now don't get me wrong, it's not that I dislike writing long blogs either; that's not it at all. Some twisted part of me feels pride over the way that, many months back, I literally sat up from 1am in the morning to 11pm essentially just writing my 100 paragraph review of 'Shadow of War'. It was exhaustive, exhausting and so much fun to make. I loved going over ever single little story point and throwing my own take on things and poking fun at a pretty decent narrative, all while taking breaks in order to judge the game properly for it's merits and shortcomings. It was just so involved, and it really created this feeling of closing the page on that story for me, if you understand that at all. Unfortunately, it was also stressful as all heck, and willingly submitting myself to that for a blog which no one reads? That seems asinine. And besides, I can do better.

It's a commonly accepted adage that 'oftentimes more doesn't always mean better' but I think when it comes to writing that it almost universally the case. Writing stories; the suspense works best when the reader is starved, writing a script; the more words you write for folk to say the less they are doing. Now I've come to believe that may be the case with reviews too, because I'm starting to see the value of trimming things down. Again, I love going story point to story point and there'll undoubtedly be a time when I return to that, but reviewing isn't about covering and assessing every single aspect of a project, but in assessing the whole package and what benefits it and what harms it. There are times when I miss something out, and before I go to add it I stop and think "Is there really a place for it?" "I forgot this for a reason, so unless it's a detriment it probably isn't worth taking to mind." If the imaginary people who read my words do so to hear about the things I like and get my opinion, than it makes sense not to force myself too much and permit the natural flow to take hold. That's something I slip into quite easily, and can fill up 8 paragraphs surprisingly fast. (Yes, I'm doing it now.)

And now comes my great shame; unless I'm much mistaken I haven't published a single researched blog in these past 100 days. Now were I an excuse making man, I'd say that may desire to clam up the length of blogs just squeezed out the room for the long form research articles; but that's simply not true, I just didn't make that time. Research blogs, if I ever get around to them, shouldn't be constrained by my desire to be concise, and I've never considered doing that to them. I just gawk everytime I think of the effort that goes into making them. For that very reason I've had the same 3 or 4 topics hanging over me for ever and I know I need to get around to them sooner rather than later. Heck, I'll get around to critiquing fan fic before I get to them at this rate; and I have no intentions of falling that low anytime soon. (I'll at least wait for April)

What else can I talk about... well I'm writing a game. That's not usually something I'd say to people, for fear of getting hopes up. In fact, this is the first time I've said that outside of my own head, but again; I'm speaking to the void here. (It's a great listener.) And when I say 'writing' a game, I'm of course talking about a text-based adventure sort of story, because I think it's pretty clear where my paltry talents lie. I think I started it with the resolve that, I'm not out to make something great, nor to carve out my new career path of anything; I just want to contribute a little piece of art to the industry that I love. Even if that art turns out looking like an explosion in a word-printer factory. I'm of a mind that if I can publish a video game- or rather, a game; (Not really a visual artist, so 'video' and indeed 'pictures' at all will likely be out of the question.) then I can pass on feeling as though I was worth something. Maybe not much. But something. Not to say these blogs aren't fulfilling, they aren't, but the game idea feels particularly worthy. So that's what I'm doing.

So that's about everything from this little fireside chat. (The ironic part of that statement is that I'm currently sitting in a room and freezing my nuts off with absolutely no heating whatsoever.) Writing this, I'm starting to see a much more contended version of myself than I usually do in these 100 day assessments, which, if I know anything about dramatic irony, means something just horrible is going to happen to me really soon. (Balance out the universe, you know?) Maybe that optimism has rubbed off on my blogs in some unconscious way I'm unclear on? I dunno. Oh and for final remarks... Ah, I just watched HBO's Barry a couple of weeks back; why don't more people talk about that show? It's great. So... I guess watch that? Hmm, that seems weirder than when I recommend video games for some reason... You don't have to watch it. It is really good though... and that's about it. See ya.

And there goes 2020

 Good actual riddance

That's a wrap folk, 2020 is over and if you're reading this than I guess you actually made it. Not to come across as a broken record or anything; but what an absolute dump of a year that I never want to go through again. Yeah, this is pretty much going to be a winddown blog here so you can go ahead and skip on out if you're looking for something more gaming focused. I've decided to give myself a break and have a blog just talking about me, somewhat similar to what I did last year, and that ironically ends up taking a bit more effort because I'm a totally backwards mess, as can likely be inferred. That being said this is technically a blog dedicated to gaming so I guess I can say; this was a decent year for gaming for the most part but there were just a few too many disappointments for me to really sing praises. Also, I just realised that Demon Souls apparently didn't make it into the Game Awards; what was that about?

Oh, but before I start it's customary that I warn you how when I rant off the cuff like this I don't come back for spell checking or editing. When I first did one of these I gabbed about how it was for 'integrities sake' or some such rot, but in reality this is my relaxation blog and I don't want to put too much thought or effort into it. (IS that so much to ask? I only get like, 2 of these every 3 months or so, let me have my laziness) Also, all illusions of professional attitudes or form tend to go out of the window, with the exception of one curtsey that I've remarkably managed to keep for the entire length of this blog but I'll let you guess what that is. Not for any grand reason of preserving the mystery, but because I'm treating this like a Jinx; if I don't say it I won't end up accidentally doing it 5 weeks from now.

Now that's done I might as well ask you how your past 12 months were, because mine were pretty crummy. Being stuck down here in England on the outskirts of the capital meant that I was very much in the line of fire for every single lockdown, regulation and restriction which this pandemic has warranted, including the heavy lockdown for Christmas which was installed just a week before the fact. The only part of that which didn't fall upon me like a ton of bricks was the break of social contact because, as I hardly make effort in hiding, I'm not really blessed in that department anyway. (Plus it means that my family didn't get to throw their numerous annoying parties this year. They only got to throw one.) But that being said, I've still had to go out into public every single day of this year just as part of my natural day-to-day, and if I hadn't already come to terms with my own death this year would have been the thing to set me right.

And I know; why would I worry, as long as all the correct precautions are taken and nothing stupid is down I should be fine. But knowing myself and how things tend to pan out, I wouldn't be surprised if I managed to breath in every rogue particle for a 5 mile radius, it's just the sort of luck I deserve. In fact, what really confuddles me isn't the risk nor the concerns that should be raised by such, but the absolute lack of an impact it's really had on me. Maybe that's because, like I said, I've had to go out every day this year so I adapted to things rather rapidly; but seeing the amount of carnage and chaos this virus has wrought on a social level, as well as the thousands of lives it's ended, hasn't really moved me any. I'd like to say it's because I'm numb, but I think that a selfish part of me just doesn't care about all of that because it's not happening to me. It's one of those nagging things that I can't stand about myself, I feel like the sort of person always in it for themselves.

For all the good that's done for me. If 2019 was a year of roundabouts for me than 2020 was a heelturn back to nothing, because I feel like I'm even more empty handed than I've ever been. I don't like to get too personal, or at least not with specifics about my life, but let's just say that in terms of a career I've had little more than a few little jobs now and then with a whole lot of existential dread in the meantime. I'm far past the days of panic attacks in the local parks that would have me aimlessly wondering around for hours on end, but I can't help but think the energetic mania which I deploy to get through my day-to-day, and write this blog, is faltering more and more. For a writer, even an amateur one, it seems absurd to say; but I still can't quite name what it is that I feel like I'm missing without being vauge and general. I'm missing motivation, but motivation to do what? I want to desire to do something, but what should I desire to do?

When it comes around to this blog I'm happy to say that I have no such delusions. I sometimes wonder if this daily pace is sustainable, and I'm pretty sure it is not, but I find coming to write this one of the easier things in my life. Although perhaps that there is a problem. If I'm not wrenching my very heart from my chest to put this down every single day than am I really living? Probably not, and if this were my career I'd call that a serious problem and start working on it. But as I write in a limited capacity to a limited audience, I don't think it's anything I need to analyse too hard. Nor do I think myself necessary to settle into a niche, which is why you'll sometimes see a spate of commentary blogs in a row and sometimes more creative endeavours strung together. I just write how the mood takes me and see what turns up. I'm happy with it and until some feedback says otherwise I'll continue pace.

But that doesn't mean I don't want to do anything more. I'm not sure if I'd go so far as to call writing my passion, because I haven't genuinely felt passionate about something for as long as I can remember. I may have never felt that way. Writing is still the one arguable-talent that I know I posses and it comes somewhat easily to me. As to the actual talent of that skill. Debatable. Pretty much none existent. But where I'm at right now I don't really find myself caring to any great degree and maybe that's exactly what I should feel. I mean, pressures to perform and conjure great works seem like the barriers of real authors, but for some nobody on the Internet; heck, who cares what I write as long as it's published. I didn't actually expect this little indirect self therapy to help me through any issues, and I don't believe it has, but I've incidentally nurtured my writing and now I can't stop. Physically, I cannot stop doing this, send help.

In closing, though by all traditional measures I'm a total waste of space who's long overdue for 'taking responsibility', (if you catch my drift) that wave of mania that I ride has kept me afloat and has even lined up a little personal project in front of me. I can't say what is it, because again: Jinx, but what I can say is that it has taken a strangely prominent position in my life right now. I don't much about what the future will hold, but for some reason I know that I cannot move on until this project is complete, and only now am I realising how that sounds like the ominous ramblings of a madman. I promise I'm not going crazy, or at least not in the violent sense. So from the grumble-worthy year of 2020 into the bright horizon of 2021 (and I'll not hear affirmations that the new year will be equally as bad. All who say such are pessimistic cliches who need to switch out their music box, their tune is getting hackneyed) May my confused, probably misspelt, my honestly heartfelt ramble mean something more to you than it does to me. Happy new years.

Blog 500

 

Well colour me surprised, I'm already at blog number 500 and for some reason am still going. This means that I'm going to get really, uncomfortably personal for this blog because it's the only outlet I have and I've never understood how people can keep a journal. (How do you keep writing something different about your day everyday?) So be forewarned that this isn't going to be a fun blog to read and that you should probably click off and come back tomorrow. 'Kay? Now with that out of the ay I have to be honest with you, I didn't think I'd make it this far by any metric and I've no idea what it has that has kept me active to write down the utter gibberish that I do here. This past year and a bit I've been very relaxed with how I've handled the blogs and haven't really gone out of my way to do any big posts because I'm not really sure that it's worth all the effort, I mean no one reads them anyway and it takes up near 8-10 hours to fully write, so I might as well just forget about it. Unfortunately that means other things have been left to the wayside like, the Resident Evil blogs which was annoying as I was so close to finishing the first game. Maybe I'll find a way to wrap them up with a finale, but the E3 season really came out of nowhere and wrapped me up when I least expected it. (Or rather, what remains of the E3 season.)

In that vein I think it must be said, gaming seems to have been hit with so many events over the past few months it seems insane to me. I've always been the kind of person who loves to pay attention to gaming trends and all the announcements and trailers that come from them, but perhaps I've just not seen how the months of April to October are packed with constant shows and reveals, or perhaps this year is different either due to the pandemic or because this is a new console year. Whatever the case it's all kept me amazing busy as of late because everytime I sit down with a somewhat clear idea of what it is I want to do for the week some new release comes out or a story drops and everything is thrown into disarray. To be clear, I don't bemoan these circumstances and rather enjoy them, but sometimes it gets to be a bit much to handle.

In terms of the actual act of gaming itself, I've found myself rather stunted on the console end due to the apparent death of my console's disk drive. That is to say that it works once in a blue moon, but the amount of restarts that my console needs in order to get there isn't really worth the effort which means that I've been really limited on a good many games from my library including Red Dead Redemption 2. (Which I've been meaning to replay.) Of course, this has meant that I have a lot more time to look over my PC games which got me to finally finish that masterpiece Yakuza 0, which you may have seen me mention a few times, and start Persona 4 which I'm about half-way through and I adore. (Really unique and well written) But there's been only so much of those few games I can take and I've really hit a bit of rut in terms of gaming, which in turn has hurt my favourite outlet of escapism.

Perhaps you're decently aware, but gaming is quite literally my primary comping mechanism for just my general day to day. I'm rather ill-tempered , irritable and self-loathsome whenever left to my own devices and I always feel worthless when working towards something. Sending out applications, dealing with correspondence and even just looking in the mirror; all of these actions fill with with this sort of disgust that just makes me want to drop of the face of the earth. I don't think there's any two ways about it; I don't like myself and doubt that anything I see or experience is going to dramatically shift my views anytime soon. Or ever for that matter. Not that such stops me from doing the thinks I need to, but it makes it so much harder as I wrestle with the point of everything. If I'm never going to reach anything resembling contentment when why do I bother try?

Recently I've taken it upon myself to start exercising regularly in order to provide a little more structure to my day to day (Which is incidentally also why these blogs are daily) as well as maybe have the side effect of building something out of my body. I thought it might be fun. And of course once I've finally started to become comfortable I notice some of other, much-less-fixable, defect in the mirror which sends any self confidence I was building spiralling out of control. Today is a rest day but even then I'm starting to wonder if I can even bring myself to start back up tomorrow with the knowledge that the remote self acceptance I was originally looking for is a fantasy now. It really sucks the motivation out of everything.

This may be something of a running theme through these blogs, or indeed my entire life, but I'm just so lacking in purpose. The only time I've felt anything remotely similar to a direction was when I was young and told to pursue that which makes me happy, but more and more I've come to the realisation that nothing makes me happy and I'm the cause of all my own distress. It's becoming more and more evident that the only way to balance out everything would be removal of the common denominator in the equation, me. But despite how obvious that is I'm still here and that just make me feel even worse about it all. Even discussing this makes me feel even lower, as I'm bought to mind all manner of other folk who endure truly awful circumstances with a brave face and it makes me furious with myself about why I can't just be happy with the limbo I exist in. Sure, I'm directionless but I at least have basic amenities.

Whenever I get in my own head like this, these are the only times I ever feel strong emotions as I tug this way and that, torn by my desire to write my truths whilst wanting to write who I wish to appear as. (I suppose that's textbook Jungian psychology there, when you think about it.) If I give myself to either predilection too much I'll find myself either feeling like a deceitful worm guised as a decent person or a drive myself to the point of wanting to tie a noose around my neck and rid the world of my stain. There's no happy middle ground either, just more bitter hatred directed inwards. I feel like it's coming to a head soon, whatever that ends up meaning, but until then it feels like everything I do to keep my day together is slowly becoming less effectual, including these blogs. I already know I'm not going to make it to 1000.

So there it is, quite simply, all the nonsense that's been swirling around my head for the past 100 days or so. Whether that contextualises all these blogs I write in a positive sense (a balancing factor) or a negative (an obfuscation) is beyond me, but I'll keep them up until I find something better to do. Maybe one day I'll look back on these with enough distance to cringe about them and their twisted nonsensical threads of logic, or maybe I won't ever look back on them at all. I don't know. I feel like I don't know a lot of things lately. That's about it. Bye.

400 Days

No I never watched that movie

It's been- More than an entire year since I started this blog and It's around about time for me to start on my fifth 'Dear Diary' blog. And if you've just happened upon this an am wondering if that's what it sounds like; yes, it is. There's nothing of value to be learned here regarding the video game industry, the world of storytelling and entertainment, or really anything at all. I just have need of an outlet to rant to and there's no better space than the empty void of the Internet, I guess. So check back again next week or something, I don't know. (Also, yes this is technically the 402nd blog, or something, but I'm really into splitting hairs about these diary posts, I get around to them when I get around.) So without further ado let me address the topic from the last diary entry, which was decidedly downbeat if I remember correctly. Yes, I was certainly not in the happiest of moods and I suppose the question is whether or not I'm still there. No, kinda, it's complicated.

Ever since I started this blog I didn't think that the days could go by any quicker than they already were in my perception, but this past month has been insane. I'm literally feeling every single minute of the day go by and it tears at my very soul. Something about my new policy of not doing every blog at 12:00 in the morning has utterly wrecked my perception of free time and now I feel like I'm rationing out down time. I didn't even feel this way when I was in work, it's truly surreal. And what's more than that, I feel like whenever I stop to close my eyes half the day passes in a literal blink. I never quite understood what folk meant when they said that the act of sleeping was robbing them of their life but, man do I feel it in this state! It's hard enough to get all these blogs done everyday ontop of looking for work, on top of writing a novel, on top of penning whatever script draft that has swum into my mind on that particular day.

So with all of that going on I suppose you could say that I've just plain been too busy to lament about any of the crappy feelings that I'm usually subject to; there's just not enough hours in the day. Now I suppose that's a good thing in a way but it's bought with it a whole new sense of existential dread where I'm terrified to let myself just stop and process my thoughts and self for longer than a few minutes. I'm constantly looking a the hours tick by on the clock and feeling like I'm racing against the day. That hasn't quite ballooned to a full blown anxiety complex but I've had similar situations evolve from less so I know it's only a matter of time. But even then will I have the time to have an anxiety attack? I should really find out if there's something I can do to train my body how to sleep less, that'll really soothe my mind in such respects, I think.

My saving grace over the past couple of weeks has been the state of the summer gaming industry, that is to say that there have been constant game reveals to talk about all this month which has given me an out from referencing all the drama and to actually take a break from a lot of things. (Like the Resident Evil blogs, which are close to the end and I will get back to) Covering a new game every single day is so much more laid-back and refreshing than my usual content cycle and I can imagine myself really settling into this rhythm of things for a while; unfortunately that does mean I'm behind on a lot of gaming news and haven't even gotten the chance to look at any of the Baldur's Gate 3 stuff despite being so initially excited for it. Though I'd argue the benefits of this style outweigh the negatives. Also, do you think there'll ever be a point where I can relax the 'one blog a day' policy? I'd love to do so but I feel like I'd need someone else to tell me to because I can't bring myself to do it.

As for the state of the blog in general, it's only been thirty five days since my last diary and all of those days have been spent covering this faux-E3, so it's kinda like I haven't given myself space for any bigger project; but I do have a few waiting in the wings to eventually cover. In this flurry I've had difficulty keeping up reviews, which also means I haven;t got a chance to finish Kingdom Hearts 2, because I like to write my reviews when i'm fresh off having dealt with the game. Everything's just in the state of limbo right now and I'm not entirely sure if that's healthy or not. Bear in mind, of course, that when I refer to healthy I'm talking about completely arbitrary statistics anyway because literally noone reads this blog. I don't have figures that I need to play towards because I'm quite honestly writing these for myself, so what I consider to be healthy has absolutely no metric to measure, making it little more than white noise in truth. Yet it's still something that haunts me because just that sort of self-torturing weirdo, I guess.

In terms of entertainment I've gotten the opportunity to catch up with a lot more shows and movies that I would have missed if this were a normal year. I finally tuned into Detective Pikachu, several years too late, and was honestly surprised at how solid of a movie that was, alongside how surreal it was for a modern day movie, based on a popular franchise, not to sequel bait. (How incredible!) I got around to watching the Henry Cavill-lead Witcher show which I thought was honestly great in it's initial episodes. I thought the characters were great, I honestly grew to see ever cast member embody my favourite fictional personas and the action was great, if almost entirely lacking in peril due to Geralt being just that bit too good, if you get what I'm saying. (The fight choreography could have used a little more grounded back and forth to match the very gritty grounded, yet fantastical, setting. Think the first and third series' of Daredevil for comparison.) My only real complaint would be the final fight against the mages which just really turned out looking like a slightly higher budget CW-grade fight scene. It was a bunch of attractive people in expensive clothes waving their hands and screwing up their faces, honestly that made it a little hard to watch and impossible to take seriously. But overall I'd give the show a B+, room to improve but a solid foundation. (Because this is a TV review blog now, apparently.)

Were I to pull back and take a look at my personal life and situations, that's where things are a little more grim; but I won't bore any of you with details. Needless to say that i'm largely exactly where I was last blog with the added stress of my anxiety and stress actually starting to get to me in really bizarre ways. I go through periods where I think I'm going blind because my eyes refuse to focus, only to sit back and rest for a few hours and realise that I was wound up so tight for so long that I couldn't even feel it anymore. It makes me feel like I'm on the verge of a some kind of huge drop at any point where something really bad could happen to me and I wouldn't even know it was occurring, if that makes any sense whatsoever. The quarantine at least gives me an excuse to stay inside and mange these symptoms, but I wonder at how long that can last, and how much it feels like I'm whittling down my own life.

In a couple of weeks I'm going to be attending another family get together (somehow, in spite of ongoing restrictions) and if you're read any of my other blogs you'll know how I typically feel about those. But I'll be making an active effort, this time, not to fall into the traps that I usually do and maybe even try to get something out of this rare moment of interaction. Who knows, maybe I'll even remember how to socialise for one night. They say it's important to have things to look forward to, and If I squint my eyes I can turn this event into one of those. Maybe that can be the start of me turning the next 100 days of this blog into something more positive for myself- I dunno. I've run out of steam with this entry, I'll be honest. I leave you with all the spelling and grammatical errors that these posts usually have and a reminder to talk to the people in your life every once in a while, else you wind up like me, realising that you have none of them.

We've hit a full year. Party hats.

365 and no half, days.

It's milestone time! No, I haven't hit another nice round 100 number of published blogs but I did land on another figure that I didn't think I'd reach, and that would be the long awaited 365. (Maybe I should hold off another half a day in order to complete the meme.) Yes, that means that is has officially been a full year since I started doing my daily blogging and I have legitimately not missed a single day in all that time, even on the days when I really didn't feel like it which, I'm sure you've noticed, has happened a lot recently. When I hit my first 100 I remember being astounded about the concept of keeping a diary, something I had tried a few times before and had never gotten around to. Now at day 365- I still don't get it, how do folk do it? The only reason I've managed to keep this up is because I hit a variety of topics which allows me to jump about the place and keep thing interesting, there's no way my life is interesting enough to support daily topics. You know what? I expand that, there's no way anyone's life is that interesting. Diary writers, I defy you!

As is tradition, during this blogs I typically let my muddled writing persona drop (Crap, just reminded myself about Persona... Still upset about that, ATLUS) and have a plain chat to myself about myself and the stuff that myself has been up to. Yeah, it's that cut and dry, so I've another actual human has accidentally stumbled upon this then that is what's up, if you want more gaming stuff then come back tomorrow. (Actually, tomorrow's blog is less about gaming itself and more the industry, but meh. Point still stands.) Also, this presents yet another opportunity to take stock and try to see whether or not I'm going to keep this up. (Which, yes, is my true purpose for doing these. Like a quarterly review.) Also, this probably isn't going to be very fun. I write these without a plan going in (Actually, that's how I write almost all my blogs) so I'm clueless as to where I'm going with this.

First up, lemme take stock for a moment. It's been a full, actual year since I started doing these and sometimes it feels like hardly anything has changed. (And other times I can look at the news and see things are much worse than were yesterday.) I started this blog not too long after quitting my first actual job, which was probably one of the most depressing experiences of my life, and since then I haven't an actual job. Yep, that's right; 12 months have passed and I'm still the same place I started. I know there always comes the advice about "Life isn't a race" and all that, but when I'm spiralling in circle like this it does start to feel like a false start has taken place somewhere. It's like I'd dragging myself and everyone around me in the dirt to go absolutely nowhere and it's crushing to think about. There have been times when I worked a little, some temping a little gardening, but nothing sustaining or fulfilling. Currently it's not even a question of whether or not I'm a disappointment to my parents (and my entire extended family), because the way they all look at me and treat me already spells that out plain as day; but it's more about if I even have the right to persist in this daily dance of procrastination.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that I've reached a point where it's hard to focus on the journey when the car's broken down and not moving. (Does that analogy make sense?) And it's as though I'm in the worst metal state that I've been in, (Back before I quit I used to spend any free-time walking around the nearby park so I could breathe through my almost daily panic attacks) but whenever I'm happy and smiling I just feel guilty because I know it's a moment stolen from cavalcade of worries marching through my head. At night when I'm alone this it's almost all I can think about, the failings, shortcomings and insurmountable walls that I feel trapped within. Everything else feels like distractions, and I don't know what to do.

As for the blog, I don't really know how much more I can do with it to be honest. Everyday recently it's been a struggle to get to it and I'm not sure if that's because I'm beginning to develop wider priorities once more or if the effect this blog once had on me is fading. I like to think that this is just a downwards trend, and that my passion will pick up in a bit if I just persevere, but I can't honestly tell myself why I should. What are my goals anymore? What am I working towards? Originally this was just a way to get myself writing everyday and I feel like I've done that, now that I'm a year gone in I don't see the purpose of this anymore. Maybe, as I'm so close, I can keep going until 400 (Then I'll have some revelation, maybe) but I can't even promise that much. And the worst part of it all, I feel it's starting to show in the blogs themselves. Initially, I had to struggle to keep these blogs so short and they would regularly dip into 15-20 paragraphs rants, but nowadays I can barely even hit 8. I haven't done a researched blog in forever and my thoughts of being an abject failure have leaked in from the real-life into my blogging one too. I don't know if I'm good at this anymore. I don't know if I ever was.

The worst thing that anyone can do in the sort of mental state that I'm in is to take a look at others and see what they've accomplished at my age, but I challenge you to exist in my family and still see things that way. Amidst my extended family I have so many cousins both younger and older then me who either have their lives figured out or on incredible tracks. I have managers, accountants, athletes, bankers; just folk who fit their world so well, and here I am looking like an outcast. Even my own Aunts and Uncles have expressed perplexment about what I'm doing and where I'm going (when they think I can't here them, of course) and I don't have an answer for any of it. I can't say that I ever grew up with this over-prevailing feeling of not-fitting-in at any remote level, but that's because I had friends and acquaintances back then. Nowadays I have no one except those that are stuck with me (I.e. my parents) and I am so lost, all of the time.

Perhaps that is why I've developed this odd gerascophobia of late. (Which I refer to as my 'Chronophobia' when I'm in character.) I hate the prospect of ageing and growing even a single week older, as it just calls to attention what I waste I've been and am continuing to be. For many years now I'm been uncomfortable at the idea of getting older, but right now I would honestly rather die than grow old. (That's not me being dramatic for effect, I seriously feel that way.) Even as I try to justify and explain the severity of my feeling in this regard but I always seem to stumble and go back on myself, which I suppose lends itself nicely to the 'phobia', aspect. (It's irrational, so it can't be rationally justified or explained.)

 But now that I'm mentioned it I might as well get round to it, I've been circling around the concept of death an uncomfortable amount lately. Back before I got my first job there was a time wherein issues and mistakes led to me being tied into a very dicey situation which I still feel the effects of, I remember feeling incredibly incredibly vulnerable and scared for my future every single day until I reached a sort of tipping point. From there all that fear kind-of sank into anger and vindictiveness, and I was so adamant never to let anyone or thing else make me feel like that again that was ready to take my own life rather than be there again. I know that sounds a little backwards, doesn't it? But despite what countless politicians and media men say, living my life so closely tied to video-games hasn't made my homicidal and violent, but maybe the isolating consequence of that little hobby might have contributed to this slight suicidal stance that I have leanings to.

I know it seems a little melodramatic, and it is, but whenever I don't have these bright neon screens blaring in front of me to distract me, I can't help but think it makes more and more sense. As a 20-something adult (I honestly try to forget my specific age) I've contributed absolutely nothing to the people or world around me and my continued existence is an active drain to both parties. (Although those I care about likely feel it a lot more than the government. I'm sure the government doesn't care about paying to maintain one more human. Then again, they might-) And yes, it's a reductive argument, I know that; but nothing else really makes as much sense to me. When I look to the future I don't what what waits for me, but everything I see and here seems to agree that it will be bad. I don't fit in, the world is going to hell; how can I tell myself that if I persist I'll eventually be happy? It seems like no one I've ever met is happy, even those with smiles admit it's usually exception and not the rule; and if I can't look forward to happiness when I grow older, then what is there to look forward to? Fulfilment? I don't have the drive, talent or faith for that. What excuse do I have to continue to exist?

And so maybe that explains to you why I spend my everyday watching shows, playing games, reading/writing stories and trying my hardest to exist in any-world other than this one. Because when I'm forced into those hard questions, the ones that lurk around the base of my skull, I don't have an answer. But then if that's the case, why am I still here? Why haven't I just killed myself and been done with it? "Just one more month." I suppose is my only answer. Like Joseph Joestar wryly bargaining against Wamuu; "Just one month, then I'm sure I can beat you!" Maybe that's what they mean when they say taking it one step at a time. Maybe I'm not even remotely qualified to be a psychiatrist and shouldn't presume to do their job for them. Maybe-

But I think that's another posturing and blubbering for one blog, would't you say? As fun as these heart-to-hearts never are, this is supposed to be a celebration on one whole year of blogging and that's what I'll try to make it. 'Huzzah' to me for proving to myself that I'm just as stubborn as I've always claimed to be, which I guess makes this whole project a little moot and self-aggrandising, but what are you gonna do, sue me? You don't even exist, reader, so you can't. Will I keep this up? I dunno. Will I get to year 2? I dunno. Will I even hit 400? I dunno. But I've already written most of next week's blogs so barring a total thermonuclear war this will not be my last blog. Celebrate or despair however much such an announcement warrants; either way, I'm out.

Blog 300

Wow, blog 300 came along a bit quicker than I expected. (So much so that I entirely missed it and this post is a few days late.) As such I'm going to take my time to just blabber on about nothing in particular because I guess that's my tradition now. "Shouldn't you try to do something special for milestone blogs?" Maybe, I dunno. You're not the boss of me, voice inside my head! So if you're here to look about my video game related topics (for whatever reason) then turn away for this is nothing but self therapy zone because I'm bored and I wanna talk to myself. Don't mind me. That being said my body is made up of 80% video games so that's going to slip in here in some way; point in case, I've been pretty smitten with Resident Evil of late.

But I've already spoken ad nauseam about all that, so I'll instead just talk about this blog in a meta since. And just to be Meta for a second, I'm very confused and slightly worried about how much of an obsession this has become for me. As you'll likely notice from taking a look at my post-history; I've managed to put out 300 blogs in 300 days without missing a single one and that's a streak that I never actually anticipated keeping up for as long as I have. Keeping that to heart, I also have a fairly big blog coming later this month about a game I positively adore and I cannot figure whether or not I'm ever going to have the chance to ease of the throttle a bit. On one hand I like the constant grind of having something creative (even mildly) to put together every day and on the otherhand I don't know if that's the best for the blogs themselves. Would I be able to put out more researched and in depth blogs if I did this once a week? Undoubtedly. But what's really the point? Does anyone honestly care? I still put a lot of effort behind the things I write but I am still limited by the stories I know regarding the game industry (Which are a surprising lot, but maybe with more time I could learn even more.)

But when the question of 'time management' gets bought up there really is nothing else competing for my time, even before today's certainly strange turn of events, so what the hell would I be doing every day when I'm not thinking about my next blog? I've already shared before how much I despise having nothing to do or distract myself with, it leaves with nothing else to but those glaring insecurities that I'm sure are quite glaring in my work. (Huh, feels weird to call crap-posting my 'work'.) Whatever I decide I feel like something has gotta give eventually, I'm just not sure if I'm going to commit myself to the next two months first or just change things immediately like a mad man. And then there's the fact of whether or not any of this matter given the fact that I may not even be around to write any of this nonsense much longer. (Ugh, this is why I'm so bloody annoying to be around, I can never just make up my damn mind.)

In terms of the amount of progress I've made with this blog I will say that I'm rather positive, directly contradictory to last time. I managed to get out a couple researched blogs and some longer form pieces (Including one which broke the 100 paragraph mark, I think.) I've also found myself absolutely inundated with things I want to write about whereas before I used to take things very one week at a time. I'm having to delay idea's in order to write about topics or news that are more immediately interesting to be, and I feel like that's a good place to be in right now. I would like to get my average word count a bit higher, but that requires coming up with ideas that have a little more legs to them; all that will have to wait until next month, however, because I have a biggun planned at the end of this month. (On and head's up; that one might not have any pictures on it for a few days. I intend to dedicate literally every waking hour of the day just to writing that blog so kindly bear with me.)

Personally I feel in better health than I have since I started this blog, but I can't exactly go out and back that up right now with everything that's going on, now can I? Previously I've hinted at a depression that has proved somewhat crippling for my endeavours both creative and otherwise, but I seem to have reached a clarity in that regard which is somewhat freeing. It's means that I've taken to personal writing a lot more and am practically buzzing with ideas all the time to the point where I have to bullet-point things to extrapolate upon later. Perhaps that contentedness comes from a slight twisted place, however, as the shared misery of our current day makes me feel just that little bit not as alone as I usually do. I mean I still go days at a time without so much as talking to anybody, but at least I know that around the world there are literally millions upon billions of people in that exact same spot.

If there's one thing that I'm not feeling so chipper about it's my chronophobia which I think I've unintentionally nurtured with the existence of this blog. It wasn't until I turned 20 when I was struck with absolute terror when thinking about my age and the prospect of growing older. I know that I've got and achieved nothing but my own stupid neurosis won't allow me to come to terms with that and so I'm always inexplicably anxious. Once I started doing this blog, however, I got to the point where I feel the desperate need to put out this blog once every day, so I'm forever cognisant of the hour clock no matter where it is. (Have you ever stopped to think about how quickly a hour goes by?) It's to the point where I physically and mentally cannot function throughout the day unless I've penned an article, done my 2 pages of personal writing, and queued up tomorrow's blog. (Yeah, it's that deep.)

For the future I hope to reach a point where I can slow this blog down to maybe twice or thrice a week, whilst trusting myself enough to let that go, but I'm nowhere near that yet. I worry that even if something amazing were to happen to me tomorrow and I'd magically get my life on track (highly doubtful considering the pandemic) this habit that I've built a dependence on will suck out any satisfaction I could hope for. (Although in my position I'm expecting a decidedly different 'out' for my life predicaments.)

So that's about all she wrote. I have nothing much to talk about regarding myself or wider plans for the blog so I'll just wrap this up. The coming weeks are sure to be interesting in these Corona fuelled times and I'm dubious about what might become of all of us once this is all said and done, not in regardless to illness but rather in how the world will recover financial. I'm no expert in such matters but I recognise that our's is a society built to be forever in motion, so I am a tad worried about what this global standstill will incur, but I hate ending on a sour note so just keep safe folk. Happy holidays! (Oh and I don't edit these. Sorry bout that)