365 and no half, days.
It's milestone time! No, I haven't hit another nice round 100 number of published blogs but I did land on another figure that I didn't think I'd reach, and that would be the long awaited 365. (Maybe I should hold off another half a day in order to complete the meme.) Yes, that means that is has officially been a full year since I started doing my daily blogging and I have legitimately not missed a single day in all that time, even on the days when I really didn't feel like it which, I'm sure you've noticed, has happened a lot recently. When I hit my first 100 I remember being astounded about the concept of keeping a diary, something I had tried a few times before and had never gotten around to. Now at day 365- I still don't get it, how do folk do it? The only reason I've managed to keep this up is because I hit a variety of topics which allows me to jump about the place and keep thing interesting, there's no way my life is interesting enough to support daily topics. You know what? I expand that, there's no way anyone's life is that interesting. Diary writers, I defy you!
As is tradition, during this blogs I typically let my muddled writing persona drop (Crap, just reminded myself about Persona... Still upset about that, ATLUS) and have a plain chat to myself about myself and the stuff that myself has been up to. Yeah, it's that cut and dry, so I've another actual human has accidentally stumbled upon this then that is what's up, if you want more gaming stuff then come back tomorrow. (Actually, tomorrow's blog is less about gaming itself and more the industry, but meh. Point still stands.) Also, this presents yet another opportunity to take stock and try to see whether or not I'm going to keep this up. (Which, yes, is my true purpose for doing these. Like a quarterly review.) Also, this probably isn't going to be very fun. I write these without a plan going in (Actually, that's how I write almost all my blogs) so I'm clueless as to where I'm going with this.
First up, lemme take stock for a moment. It's been a full, actual year since I started doing these and sometimes it feels like hardly anything has changed. (And other times I can look at the news and see things are much worse than were yesterday.) I started this blog not too long after quitting my first actual job, which was probably one of the most depressing experiences of my life, and since then I haven't an actual job. Yep, that's right; 12 months have passed and I'm still the same place I started. I know there always comes the advice about "Life isn't a race" and all that, but when I'm spiralling in circle like this it does start to feel like a false start has taken place somewhere. It's like I'd dragging myself and everyone around me in the dirt to go absolutely nowhere and it's crushing to think about. There have been times when I worked a little, some temping a little gardening, but nothing sustaining or fulfilling. Currently it's not even a question of whether or not I'm a disappointment to my parents (and my entire extended family), because the way they all look at me and treat me already spells that out plain as day; but it's more about if I even have the right to persist in this daily dance of procrastination.
I suppose what I'm trying to say is that I've reached a point where it's hard to focus on the journey when the car's broken down and not moving. (Does that analogy make sense?) And it's as though I'm in the worst metal state that I've been in, (Back before I quit I used to spend any free-time walking around the nearby park so I could breathe through my almost daily panic attacks) but whenever I'm happy and smiling I just feel guilty because I know it's a moment stolen from cavalcade of worries marching through my head. At night when I'm alone this it's almost all I can think about, the failings, shortcomings and insurmountable walls that I feel trapped within. Everything else feels like distractions, and I don't know what to do.
As for the blog, I don't really know how much more I can do with it to be honest. Everyday recently it's been a struggle to get to it and I'm not sure if that's because I'm beginning to develop wider priorities once more or if the effect this blog once had on me is fading. I like to think that this is just a downwards trend, and that my passion will pick up in a bit if I just persevere, but I can't honestly tell myself why I should. What are my goals anymore? What am I working towards? Originally this was just a way to get myself writing everyday and I feel like I've done that, now that I'm a year gone in I don't see the purpose of this anymore. Maybe, as I'm so close, I can keep going until 400 (Then I'll have some revelation, maybe) but I can't even promise that much. And the worst part of it all, I feel it's starting to show in the blogs themselves. Initially, I had to struggle to keep these blogs so short and they would regularly dip into 15-20 paragraphs rants, but nowadays I can barely even hit 8. I haven't done a researched blog in forever and my thoughts of being an abject failure have leaked in from the real-life into my blogging one too. I don't know if I'm good at this anymore. I don't know if I ever was.
The worst thing that anyone can do in the sort of mental state that I'm in is to take a look at others and see what they've accomplished at my age, but I challenge you to exist in my family and still see things that way. Amidst my extended family I have so many cousins both younger and older then me who either have their lives figured out or on incredible tracks. I have managers, accountants, athletes, bankers; just folk who fit their world so well, and here I am looking like an outcast. Even my own Aunts and Uncles have expressed perplexment about what I'm doing and where I'm going (when they think I can't here them, of course) and I don't have an answer for any of it. I can't say that I ever grew up with this over-prevailing feeling of not-fitting-in at any remote level, but that's because I had friends and acquaintances back then. Nowadays I have no one except those that are stuck with me (I.e. my parents) and I am so lost, all of the time.
Perhaps that is why I've developed this odd gerascophobia of late. (Which I refer to as my 'Chronophobia' when I'm in character.) I hate the prospect of ageing and growing even a single week older, as it just calls to attention what I waste I've been and am continuing to be. For many years now I'm been uncomfortable at the idea of getting older, but right now I would honestly rather die than grow old. (That's not me being dramatic for effect, I seriously feel that way.) Even as I try to justify and explain the severity of my feeling in this regard but I always seem to stumble and go back on myself, which I suppose lends itself nicely to the 'phobia', aspect. (It's irrational, so it can't be rationally justified or explained.)
But now that I'm mentioned it I might as well get round to it, I've been circling around the concept of death an uncomfortable amount lately. Back before I got my first job there was a time wherein issues and mistakes led to me being tied into a very dicey situation which I still feel the effects of, I remember feeling incredibly incredibly vulnerable and scared for my future every single day until I reached a sort of tipping point. From there all that fear kind-of sank into anger and vindictiveness, and I was so adamant never to let anyone or thing else make me feel like that again that was ready to take my own life rather than be there again. I know that sounds a little backwards, doesn't it? But despite what countless politicians and media men say, living my life so closely tied to video-games hasn't made my homicidal and violent, but maybe the isolating consequence of that little hobby might have contributed to this slight suicidal stance that I have leanings to.
I know it seems a little melodramatic, and it is, but whenever I don't have these bright neon screens blaring in front of me to distract me, I can't help but think it makes more and more sense. As a 20-something adult (I honestly try to forget my specific age) I've contributed absolutely nothing to the people or world around me and my continued existence is an active drain to both parties. (Although those I care about likely feel it a lot more than the government. I'm sure the government doesn't care about paying to maintain one more human. Then again, they might-) And yes, it's a reductive argument, I know that; but nothing else really makes as much sense to me. When I look to the future I don't what what waits for me, but everything I see and here seems to agree that it will be bad. I don't fit in, the world is going to hell; how can I tell myself that if I persist I'll eventually be happy? It seems like no one I've ever met is happy, even those with smiles admit it's usually exception and not the rule; and if I can't look forward to happiness when I grow older, then what is there to look forward to? Fulfilment? I don't have the drive, talent or faith for that. What excuse do I have to continue to exist?
And so maybe that explains to you why I spend my everyday watching shows, playing games, reading/writing stories and trying my hardest to exist in any-world other than this one. Because when I'm forced into those hard questions, the ones that lurk around the base of my skull, I don't have an answer. But then if that's the case, why am I still here? Why haven't I just killed myself and been done with it? "Just one more month." I suppose is my only answer. Like Joseph Joestar wryly bargaining against Wamuu; "Just one month, then I'm sure I can beat you!" Maybe that's what they mean when they say taking it one step at a time. Maybe I'm not even remotely qualified to be a psychiatrist and shouldn't presume to do their job for them. Maybe-
But I think that's another posturing and blubbering for one blog, would't you say? As fun as these heart-to-hearts never are, this is supposed to be a celebration on one whole year of blogging and that's what I'll try to make it. 'Huzzah' to me for proving to myself that I'm just as stubborn as I've always claimed to be, which I guess makes this whole project a little moot and self-aggrandising, but what are you gonna do, sue me? You don't even exist, reader, so you can't. Will I keep this up? I dunno. Will I get to year 2? I dunno. Will I even hit 400? I dunno. But I've already written most of next week's blogs so barring a total thermonuclear war this will not be my last blog. Celebrate or despair however much such an announcement warrants; either way, I'm out.
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