Blog 500

 

Well colour me surprised, I'm already at blog number 500 and for some reason am still going. This means that I'm going to get really, uncomfortably personal for this blog because it's the only outlet I have and I've never understood how people can keep a journal. (How do you keep writing something different about your day everyday?) So be forewarned that this isn't going to be a fun blog to read and that you should probably click off and come back tomorrow. 'Kay? Now with that out of the ay I have to be honest with you, I didn't think I'd make it this far by any metric and I've no idea what it has that has kept me active to write down the utter gibberish that I do here. This past year and a bit I've been very relaxed with how I've handled the blogs and haven't really gone out of my way to do any big posts because I'm not really sure that it's worth all the effort, I mean no one reads them anyway and it takes up near 8-10 hours to fully write, so I might as well just forget about it. Unfortunately that means other things have been left to the wayside like, the Resident Evil blogs which was annoying as I was so close to finishing the first game. Maybe I'll find a way to wrap them up with a finale, but the E3 season really came out of nowhere and wrapped me up when I least expected it. (Or rather, what remains of the E3 season.)

In that vein I think it must be said, gaming seems to have been hit with so many events over the past few months it seems insane to me. I've always been the kind of person who loves to pay attention to gaming trends and all the announcements and trailers that come from them, but perhaps I've just not seen how the months of April to October are packed with constant shows and reveals, or perhaps this year is different either due to the pandemic or because this is a new console year. Whatever the case it's all kept me amazing busy as of late because everytime I sit down with a somewhat clear idea of what it is I want to do for the week some new release comes out or a story drops and everything is thrown into disarray. To be clear, I don't bemoan these circumstances and rather enjoy them, but sometimes it gets to be a bit much to handle.

In terms of the actual act of gaming itself, I've found myself rather stunted on the console end due to the apparent death of my console's disk drive. That is to say that it works once in a blue moon, but the amount of restarts that my console needs in order to get there isn't really worth the effort which means that I've been really limited on a good many games from my library including Red Dead Redemption 2. (Which I've been meaning to replay.) Of course, this has meant that I have a lot more time to look over my PC games which got me to finally finish that masterpiece Yakuza 0, which you may have seen me mention a few times, and start Persona 4 which I'm about half-way through and I adore. (Really unique and well written) But there's been only so much of those few games I can take and I've really hit a bit of rut in terms of gaming, which in turn has hurt my favourite outlet of escapism.

Perhaps you're decently aware, but gaming is quite literally my primary comping mechanism for just my general day to day. I'm rather ill-tempered , irritable and self-loathsome whenever left to my own devices and I always feel worthless when working towards something. Sending out applications, dealing with correspondence and even just looking in the mirror; all of these actions fill with with this sort of disgust that just makes me want to drop of the face of the earth. I don't think there's any two ways about it; I don't like myself and doubt that anything I see or experience is going to dramatically shift my views anytime soon. Or ever for that matter. Not that such stops me from doing the thinks I need to, but it makes it so much harder as I wrestle with the point of everything. If I'm never going to reach anything resembling contentment when why do I bother try?

Recently I've taken it upon myself to start exercising regularly in order to provide a little more structure to my day to day (Which is incidentally also why these blogs are daily) as well as maybe have the side effect of building something out of my body. I thought it might be fun. And of course once I've finally started to become comfortable I notice some of other, much-less-fixable, defect in the mirror which sends any self confidence I was building spiralling out of control. Today is a rest day but even then I'm starting to wonder if I can even bring myself to start back up tomorrow with the knowledge that the remote self acceptance I was originally looking for is a fantasy now. It really sucks the motivation out of everything.

This may be something of a running theme through these blogs, or indeed my entire life, but I'm just so lacking in purpose. The only time I've felt anything remotely similar to a direction was when I was young and told to pursue that which makes me happy, but more and more I've come to the realisation that nothing makes me happy and I'm the cause of all my own distress. It's becoming more and more evident that the only way to balance out everything would be removal of the common denominator in the equation, me. But despite how obvious that is I'm still here and that just make me feel even worse about it all. Even discussing this makes me feel even lower, as I'm bought to mind all manner of other folk who endure truly awful circumstances with a brave face and it makes me furious with myself about why I can't just be happy with the limbo I exist in. Sure, I'm directionless but I at least have basic amenities.

Whenever I get in my own head like this, these are the only times I ever feel strong emotions as I tug this way and that, torn by my desire to write my truths whilst wanting to write who I wish to appear as. (I suppose that's textbook Jungian psychology there, when you think about it.) If I give myself to either predilection too much I'll find myself either feeling like a deceitful worm guised as a decent person or a drive myself to the point of wanting to tie a noose around my neck and rid the world of my stain. There's no happy middle ground either, just more bitter hatred directed inwards. I feel like it's coming to a head soon, whatever that ends up meaning, but until then it feels like everything I do to keep my day together is slowly becoming less effectual, including these blogs. I already know I'm not going to make it to 1000.

So there it is, quite simply, all the nonsense that's been swirling around my head for the past 100 days or so. Whether that contextualises all these blogs I write in a positive sense (a balancing factor) or a negative (an obfuscation) is beyond me, but I'll keep them up until I find something better to do. Maybe one day I'll look back on these with enough distance to cringe about them and their twisted nonsensical threads of logic, or maybe I won't ever look back on them at all. I don't know. I feel like I don't know a lot of things lately. That's about it. Bye.