So this is Christmas

 And what have I done?

Another year over... and I can't remember the rest of the lyrics so I'm just going to stop that right now. 'Felix Navidad'. everybody, and all that good fine stuff that we pretend to be all happy and excited about. But don't worry, it is so very easy to turn the perception of excitement into the real tangible thing if you just squeeze tightly and devote yourself to the heart of the cards! Ops, am I being a debbie downer again? This time of year does that to me. Gnawing at the receptors in my brain and tipping my humours all over the place. Dark in the afternoon, cold in the mid-day, terrible music out of every store; I've always found this time of year felt more like a dirge mourning the year so very close to passing; after which you're just unceremoniously dropped in the next moment, briars twisting up from inside your gut as you realise that vacation you settled into is all but used up. It's January now; reckoning time!

Of what of my reckoning? What is due for me in the new year? Well, for the first time in a long time I'm feeling cautiously optimistic. One of the few humps in the largely downwards coaster that is my outlook on this life. Not because of what I've already done with this blog, mind you, but because of what I think might be possible with it, and it's achievements, in the months to come. Which is my way of saying, I'm not entirely sure if I'll even be able to keep up the one-a-day pace I've maintained on this page for so very long that I honestly don't won't to look it up so it won't make me feel totally depressed. The vast spectrum of utility this blog serves for my personal well being, up in this headspace of mine, does not extend so far as to cure my acute Chronophobia, unfortunately. 

Although speaking of things that I have done; would you believe I've actually finished my first entire fictional story? It is nothing special, only a short story covering 5 chapters and the concept slides adjacent to what one might consider Fan Fiction, though I loathe all the embarrassing connotations such a label summons. I shun those hallmarks of the genre (self inserts, drifting narrative focus, paper thin characters) quite vehemently whenever I write, but it doesn't matter what you say; you make a piece of work based on an established lore and it's over for you, buddy! Self respect goes 'bye bye'! If only I had any modicum of personal confidence or self belief, I might be scared to actually ever try to make something I might consider decent which is also a Fan Fiction. And I sure as heck wouldn't talk about it on this publicly accessible blog, regardless of how few people actually read it. But I do lack all of those things, and I have no respect. I could shrivel up and fry under the mid-day sun and the Earth would scarcely know that I was gone. Although... now I've got a full piece of written work under my belt, so that's something at least.

Maybe in a way I see it as my only personal rebellion cry out to the cold vacuum of the world: "I exist and I can write mediocre fiction, world!" Maybe it's the idea of actually being alongside with something from inception to adulthood, simulating my latent paternal desires which will surely wither and dry up as I do down here in this pit of existence we've labelled 'Croydon'. (Urgh, a more dull and dire pit of hell I cannot even begin to envision.) And maybe my fan fiction is just a way of giving back to a story I quite like. Nothing more complex or intricate than that. But I'm delaying, what was my Fan Fiction about? Quite a popular franchise actually. One I've spoken of here quite a bit and one which is actually on it's way to try and break into the mainstream with a TV series. That kind of makes my Fallout fan fiction seem even smaller in the grand scheme of things, honestly.

Yes, Fallout. Universe of the apocalypse mixed with fifties futurism and stirred up into a darkly twisted comedy franchise which is slowly getting worse as the game go on but we forgive them because we remember how good it was in the middle there. I was spurred to tell a story of the Fallout world not so long after I finished my heavily modded New Vegas Playthrough. Despite saving 'The Frontier' until the end (urg, what a bizarre finale mod...) I simply adored what I consider to be my most interesting playthrough of a game I've enjoyed for over a decade now. I loved my time so much, in fact, that I didn't want it to end. Or at least, I didn't want it to end without the right send-off. In a way that was what this story was, a character send-off for the Courier that I lived with. (Even if he is never referred to as 'The Courier' throughout all 5 of my chapters because I'm sadistically hostile to my own creative function, apparently.)

By the standards of the usual things I write and abandon, I consider the narrative to be complete and the story to be told. I do sort of flip a narrative concept on it's head and end the story 'in medias res' whilst giving the beginning a very flat and traditional introduction, but that's not to 'leave the audience wanting more' so to speak. It's more to highlight the significance of what the story is actually about and not the actual physical events themselves which serve as the vehicle of- why am I explaining this here? You don't want to hear about my limp narrative techniques! At the very least I should do that in a dedicated blog. You want me to wish happy new years upon you and send you on you way; of which I will do... in a bit, just let me rattle on a bit more!

Because you see, I'm at a crossroads. This story I have exists on my hard-drive and my email, and is floating about in a few other places. I haven't posted it online yet. After I get an external look through for editing, it is my intention to just slap it up somewhere. Maybe Fanfiction.net maybe the other one. Maybe both. But what about here? Would that be weird? I mean- we don't have a concerted topic of conversation that we never deviate from under any circumstance around here or anything- but we also don't really dive into original fiction stories either. But I just feel like it's right, in a way. I started this blog for many reason, one of which being that I've tried several times to start a diary and just can't find interesting enough things about myself to jot down there. So I talk about stuff I do find interesting, be it pop culture or significant world events or current events analysis or arbitrary reviews. But would putting my own fiction on here be a step to far?

So much of myself it already present on this blog, but the barrier of the man I portray when I write is like the only vestige of pyjamas I maintain between myself on my posting. Genuine fiction shatters that thin fabric and leaves me bared, open to judgement. I'm afraid what I'd be sharing about myself, even if it is in a silly little fan-fiction story about a man who wanders without a destination. I don't know why I'm airing my doubts. No one will respond. But it feels good to write. Like I said, this is my diary. Just a public facing diary I speak out loud in the middle of a public park whilst people walk past and pointedly ignore me. I think I will probably upload it here, but in January. Give myself a five day break for all my hard work writing the thing. You'd let me have that, wouldn't you? Whatever- Felix Navidad. You can go now.