Game of the Year 2022 predictions

 Let me glance into my crystal ball...

It's about that special time of year. The temprature drops to nigh-on unbearable, every time I go out I come back crying with my fingers dropping off, and everyone in the game's industry gathers around for a game of "Nuh-uh! I deserve that award more!" A truly silly and reductive exercise when, if you think about, the real reward of making a great game is the substantial bonus you get for it being successful. At the end of the day, what else matters; you dig? I ain't going afford no down payment on my flat with your ugly little angel statue. What's that even made out of? Plastic? I can't melt down and flog no plastic! It's all meaningless pomp and grandeur for the sake of keeping up appearances for an outside world that couldn't care less about looking in. But it's funny, so we abide by it regardless. Now I'm going to be honest; I ain't played a single game that came out this year, so this is going to be an especially uninformed lightning round of predictions hence forth. 

Firstly is the big one, the knock-out punch, the daddy of them all; Ultimate Game of the Year. The line-up that features such titles as 'Plague Tale: Requiem', 'Elden Ring', 'Xenoblade Chronicles 3', (What a shocker!) 'Stray', (Really?) and even a novelty candidate like 'Horizon: Forbidden West'! Okay, I'm being mean for sure; but we all know Horizon doesn't have a chance in hell at the reward, not when it's own publishers are dead set in ensuring the games do as badly as they possibly can. I wouldn't be surprised if Horizon's publishers are actively bribing the game awards not to vote for them, just to cater to their own sick, self-destruction fetishes. And of course, then there's the game which is already going to get the award; God of War: Ragnarok. I'm more of an Elden Ring, FromSoft kind of guy, so they get my vote; but make no mistake, I know Ragnarok is going to win this one. It's just a too big to fail kind of game.

Game direction is a funny category, with unclear rules, and an even more unclear line up. We've got Horizon, Elden Ring, God of War, Stray and-  Immortality? What the hell is Immortality? Apparently it's this year's latest 'live action interactive story' game, which certainly triggers my fight or flight response just off rip. But assuming 'Best Game direction' counts for the most interesting concept, I'll go with 'Stray'. The cat game fits better here than it does for 'ultimate game' in my opinion. Best narrative is practically the same line-up except 'Stray' is replaced by Plague Tale. It's funny how incestuous all these top awards tend to get, isn't it? How far down the list do we have to go until something unique pops up? Now again, I ain't played a single one of these games so my guess is going to have to be random. I heard good things about Plague Tale and I know that's a largely narrative driven action game, so I'll pick the rat game.

Art Direction is where things get good and subjective, and when we get a new contender to pick through. Elden Ring, God of War, Stray, Horizon and- Scorn? Good lord, Scorn is up for a game award? At least it's in the only category that game could dream of winning. And you know what, I'm willing to actually give them this. The art direction is perfectly atmospheric, even if every thing else fails to carry a satisfying experience. Scorn gets the vote. Which brings us to the music round! Ohh, very interesting; Sonic didn't even make the line-up! Plague Tale, Elden Ring, God of War, Xenoblade and Metal: Hellsinger? Pretty cool; Metal: Hellsinger is actually a rythym action FPS title which delights in it's metal music roots, it would almost be an embarrassment if they didn't win! But lets go crazy; even though I haven't heard a single track; I'm picking Xenoblade. That's right, I'm a maverick; I can't be stopped!

On the same wavelength, we have 'best Audio design', for which the options are 'Modern Warfare 2' (A COD in the major awards? Who'd have thunk?), 'Elden Ring', 'God of War', 'Gran Turismo 7' and 'Horizon'. For which my only frame of reference is actually COD. So, shockingly to myself, I'm going to vote for COD. What is wrong with me? I don't know. Best Performance is a big one, but an easy one; lacking any eight-foot pale-skinned vampiress women, I have to go with the tall pale man instead. Kratos, Christopher Judge, final answer. Games for Impact is a bit funny this year, as not a single game featured caused enough of a splash to qualify for this award outside of the game reviewer scene. I'd only heard of 'As Dusk Falls' and 'Citizen Sleeper', which means I guess I have to flip a coin- Citizen Sleeper, sure, whatever.

Now for the funny categories. Best ongoing game? The same options as last year. But why, there's so many new Live services! You've got Babylon's Fall- oh that shut down... Final Fantasy VII: The First Solider'- oh that shut down... Umm... Avengers? Nah, I guess I'm just going to go the high road and say... uh... Fort- no. Gen- nah. Dest-Ap-fantasy? Crap... Final Fantasy, final answer. I have no clue. Now the indie game of the year is actually pretty competitive this year, we've got Stray, Cult of Lamb, Sifu, Tunic and Neon White; all big splash indie titles that hit the map hard. Personally, I have to give it to Sifu, but pretty much every entry here is worth an award; they're all great. And best mobile game has... wait what? Apex, Genshin, Marvel Snap (hmm), Tower of Fantasy (Ah, Sci-fi Genshin. Of course...) and... Diablo Immortal? Are you... Geoff is happy sharing the same stage as those literal vampire slugs? I don't... just wow. I pick Apex, but it is a crime for that game to share the same stage as Diablo...

Who is getting best community support? It all really depends on who is in what community and which game commands the most interaction, but I'm going to go the high road and pick FF. I have a bone to pick with the 'accessibility options' award. An RPG designed to be playable by the blind got snubbed in favour of a car game last year, and now I'm mad so I'm going to just say Monkey Island. I don't know what options it has, I'm just bitter. Bonelab's is the best VR game I've ever seen, so there's no real reason to even acknowledge the other games in the VR section; which will shovel onto the next big category; best action game. Very curious this one, for the range of options available. Bayonetta, Sifu, Neon White and Modern Warfare 2... (There's a Turtles game but that's not even really in the running anyway.) Neon White shouldn't even technically be applicable, it's puzzle platformer with shooting, COD is a shooter; so this really brings it down to Bayonetta and Sifu. I haven't actually heard anyone talk about Bayonetta 3, (beyond that controversy) so I'll just default to Sifu.

Best Action/Adventure game is where we get even more competitive! Plague Tale, God of War, Horizon... and Stray plus Tunic? Stray? Okay... whatever. As much as I'd love to put down Horizon, I really think it deserves a serious consideration here. Only a consideration, my money still goes towards God of War, but I want Horizon to know I'm thinking about her... Best Role Playing game is straight nasty with what I'm seeing. Elden Ring, Pokemon, (Arceus not Scarlett and Violet) Triangle Strategy, Xenoblade 3 and... Live a Live? Wait... isn't Live a Live a remaster? It is, that original came out in 1994? Was the award ceremony that hard up for RPG games? Seriously? Also, the spin off Pokemon gets a vote but the mainline gets snubbed? Yikes, that is some hard luck, buddy! Elden Ring gets my vote.

Best Fighting game actually has enough choices to exist this year! Isn't that nice? We can choose between DNF Duel (Never heard of it) Jojo's Bizzare Adventure: All Star Battle R, (Another remaster but I'll allow it) King of Fighters, Multiversus and Sifu. Okay, look. Sifu probably deserves this one. And Jojo doesn't have rollback Netcode. But I'm sorry, I don't have a choice. Fandom dictates I must nominate Jojo; there's no free will in this decision. I'm guided by higher Stand powers. Best Family game actually surprised me, because I never even knew a Kirby game came out this year. (Did you know that?) Splatoon, Lego Stars Wars, Mario and Rabbids plus Nintendo Switch Sports came up to face it... There's a Nintendo Switch Sports? And it only came out now? How much is it... £30?! Screw that- Mario gets my vote... damn...

Simulation Strategy is a broad and spacious topic, as evidenced from the fact we're picking from Dune Spice Wars (didn't know that came out already) Mario and Rabbids, Total War: Warhammer III, Two Point Campus and Victoria III. I think you'd be hard pressed convincing anyone knowledgeable that those are all the same genre game; but Warhammer is the only one there I've been personally interested in. (Not enough to actually go out and buy it but... hey-) Which brings us to the very verge of the abyss, the point at which all the topics become less and less interesting. What's the single best Sports game? How about Blood Bowl III? That isn't out yet? Okay than, Forza. That's not an option? Damn, you're really backing me up against a wall here... Olliolli world! I've never heard of it but... that's why I know every other game on that list is total trash. Oh, and Mulitversus has the best mutliplayer; that category isn't even worth an internal debate.

Content Creator of the year seems a bit bloody loaded, doesn't it? Ludwig and his girlfriend are seperate nominees, but Charlie is nowhere to be seen? Scandal! Shenanigans! Chicanery! I expect Lud to hand his award over to the Moist Supremacy the second after receiving his award! Best 'debut' indie kind of feels a bit reaching if you ask me. Neon White and Stray already got their run of the big leagues, I want to surrender this round to Tunic, Norco and Vampire Survivors. And though it was a flash-in-the-pan hit, I think the very rudimentary nature of Vampire Survivors makes it my vote. It's nice to see that even the simple games can run gambit of pop culture.

Ohhhh! Best Adaption? How tantalising... Uncharted is just, a laughable contender, get that movie out of here. Cuphead has it's fans, I'm not one of them. Sonic the Hedgehog 2 looked fine, didn't care for it. Arcane or Cyberpunk Edgerunners? Now that is a very tough line-up! Arcane is a visual masterpiece, but Edgerunners slips into it's anime skin so deftly. This is going to be subjective as heck, but the cultural wave of Edgerunners has effected me deeper than Arcane ever did. I know they're both top tier adaptations, but I can't just snub my main girl Rebecca. She might just climb out of the show and shoot me if I do, you know how she gets!

Most anticipated games is as loaded as an award can get; celebrating the thoughts mafia for a good marketing campaign. And any selection of games is going to leave someone feeling shunted! But out of Final Fantasy XVI, Resident Evil 4, Hogwarts Legacy, Starfield and The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom; this really isn't as easy of a selection as it was last year. I guess I'd end up picking Zelda, but only because Tears of the Kingdom has been on my radar years before I knew it's name; I want to own all of these games at some point in the future.

Esports time! Esports time- lighting round- initiate! Who could be so callous as to ask what the best Esports game is when the answer is clearly the only Esports game responsible for finally ending Kony 2012, thank you, Valorant, for your service! (Overwatch 2 doesn't even get a nomination? Ouch.) Best Athlete is a tough one, because I'm 90% certain that Finn Anderson is just Oleksander Kostyliev with his chin-strap shaved off. But I gotta go with my man Lee 'Faker'; he's giving me a thumbs up! He knows he deserves my vote! I love me some 'best Esports team' choices, especially when FaZe clan seems to be listed twice, only their second nomination is under the name 'LA Thieves' for some reason... Well, FaZe is the only Esports team in this lineup to meet and collaborate with Batman in order to solve a crime, so it has to be them. (I'm not lying, look it up.) Esports Coaches are looking gruffer this year. I'm pretty sure Andrii would mug me if he ever saw me in real life and I think Robert Dahlstrom already has. Only Go Dong-bin had the good graces to submit himself a professional headshot with a fine night-sky tie. That is a man I'd be happy to give my wallet to as he held me at knife point! And Finally we have best Esports event- a meaningless competitor, as I always pick the competition with the most distinct colour scheme. All the others are close to blue on the colour scale, League of Legends was red. The LOL event was the best, empirically.

Which marks the end of my utterly informed and intelligent predictions for the next game awards, if any of my predictions end up going astray, it's reality which is wrong, not me. This year I am proud to say I haven't played a single game that I judged, (which released this year) and only the adaptations were made with full knowledge of what each product contained. If that isn't cause for pride, I don't know what is. I cannot wait, like of you, for the night of the event wherein we'll spend every moment complaining about the awards and waiting for the video game reveals between each award. I wonder what painful celeb cameo will disgrace our eyes this ye- oh wait, it's going to be Chris Pratt, isn't it? Yep, I already know. And he won't even be bothered to show up, he's going to give us a pre-recorded message. Urg; I'm going to start actually disliking this man by the time the Mario movie comes out, I just know it.