Chocobo Down!

 Won't somebody think about the chickens?

You know, it wasn't all that long ago that I was writing a blog about Square Enix which led me to make the lamentable challenge to Square Enix that even though they've shut down two failed live services in this year alone, there was still a few weeks left in the year to make it three. That was supposed to be a harmless joke aimed at the utter cluelessness of the Square Enix brand and their inability to stand behind a concept they drop the second it doesn't hit the market audience that was never there to begin with. And then news dropped that Square pulled on Chocobo GP just before the end of the year. Right before Christmas, they just had to throw a little coal in their own stockings; although give an early gift to me who was running out of stuff to talk about.

It really is like I'm destined to stare quizzically at the bizzarity of Square Enix's modern trajectory, because I appear to be the only one struck by how flailing and desperate it all is. Sure, official outlets and gaming pundits will point a snicker at the Square Enix flop-ups, but none seem to be adding them up and coming to the trouble conclusions that I am. The conclusion that Square Enix don't seem able to sell... pretty much anything! And I know the obvious retort would be to point me towards the Final Fantasy series and it's undeniable success, but my point stands. I said Square can't sell their own games, it's lightning-in-a-bottle visionaries that are slapping up and selling the only Square games worth a damn these days, and the thing about creatives like that- they can get fickle. They're relentless, and if they jump ship to do their own project with someone else, they ain't coming back. Square needs to have the backbone to support themselves without being held up by the talents of a few industry legends who are wielding dedicated teams; and I just don't know if Square has that anymore.

And before you roll your eyes and dismiss me, just look at the evidence! They're hilariously ill-timed and dead on arrival Battle Royale fizzled up before a year was out. The Final Fantasy 7 themed online multiplayer game was an obvious ill-fit for Tetsuya Nomura's grand plan to retell the most famous Final Fantasy story of all time, and fans just didn't flock to it. But pulling away from ruining great franchises, Square even tried to publish a whole new IP launched by Platinum games, the co-op slash-em-up game called... it's name is... hang on, it's on the tip of my... Babylon's Fall! There it is! Can you believe that game came out this year? Looking at it, I wouldn't be surprised if you called me a liar for claiming that. Babylon's Fall was a legendary flop, raking in single digit player counts within a month of launch. It too was killed off. These were both projects that fit in Square's online vision for their business model, and they both died inglorious deaths.

But doesn't that fit Square's own misgivings? Afterall, the way they jettisoned all of their Western studios earlier this year was supposed to represent a rejection of all the detritus of Western game studios who regularly made games that Square just didn't know how to sell. What they preferred were those fancy low-cost Nintendo Switch RPG games that they can publish without any real work and the odd Remaster that already has an established audience and thus is low risk. The Dio-field Chronicles, Chrono Cross Remaster, Harvestella, Life is Strange Remastered, Triangle Strategy. None of these are fresh big budget titles that take chances and risks, just remasters peppered with smaller studios that Square is pumping money into.

Now of course, Square are putting their money and hopes behind the big budget success of Final Fantasy XVI, which is why they can be quiet with personal efforts for a year, but it hardly speaks to their competency as a functioning developer if so many of their pumped out online games fall flat on their face in less than a year. You can establish an audience for pretty much anything on the Internet if yo put enough effort into it. Ubisoft still has a fan base, and people will vehemently defend the soulless card collecting sports game models; so it's not as though none of these crappy Square games could find their own niche; Square just can't be bothered to help that happen. Who knew Chocobo GP even existed apart from me? Where was the marketing? The fanfare? The advertisements? Nah, they'd rather spend money on marketing the big FF that isn't even out for a year!

This means, as we can see, that a precious little game about racing around Chocobos is getting the axe for it's poor reception. And yes, I know it's a dogs dinner of a racing game, we all do. Mario Kart clones started to grow old about ten years ago, now it's just sad to see any 'legitimate' game developer push them out on dusty tires; but Crash Team Racing got itself a player base, didn't it? There are people out there who idolise Chocobos to a frankly unhealthy degree, who actually farmed the Chocobo racing minigame from FF7 because they loved the mutant Chicken horses that much! Why can't they have their Mario Kart clone to obsess over in the dark corners of their bedrooms at night, in one of their few moments of reprieve from the gruelling daily work of conducting horrifical and completely unethical gene-splicing operations on various breeds of hens to birth their own real-life Chocobo?

What's more, Chocobo GP is a mobile game! (It's also been ported to the Switch, but the game was obviously started to thrive on mobile.) For all their talk of impenetrable and complicated Western Markets, you'd have thought Square could figure their way around a mobile game, given those are the styles of games best loved in the East! A mobile game based on a largely Japanese franchise which failed in the east and west? Huh, makes you wonder if Square has any clue how to sell games to... well... anyone. Unless their plan is to focus on the utterly untouched Southern and Northern markets! I'm sure the denizens of Santa's Workshop and Antarctica are just itching for the next mediocre Square Enix game launch!

So there is Square Enix with yet another hard boiled egg to the face. The kind that doesn't splat and leave a comical yellow splatter, but which connects hard with the forehead, bounces off and causes a nasty purple welt to swell. Square cannot, without a shadow of a doubt, keep an online game alive for the life of them. They're like one of those people who just can't own plants for one week without killing them, only for other people's livelihoods. The only Live Service of the past few years that they started which is still, inexplicably, going is the much derided 'Marvel's Avengers'. But then, they sold that off with the studio when they abandoned the west earlier this year, so I guess we can't really consider that one of theirs anymore, now can we? Maybe it's time that the heads of Square Enix are wheeled off to that retirement home they've been fighting for ten odd years now, the senility is starting to leak out into their business decisions.