What on earth is Gank.

 Gamers Sans Frontières?

Prithee, does anyone out there recall Bullyhunters? I remember it as one of those moments in history where everyone collectively furrows their brow and go "Huh, what where you thinking?" For those who were blissfully unaware, let me ruin that peace by enlightening ya'll right quick. So 'Bullyhunters' was this prospective service from a few years back that sought to combat toxicity in online gaming lobbies. Sounds wholesome in premise, no? But how does one go about combating the concept of toxicity across all competitive games everywhere? You'd need so genius level idea, no? Well those idiots thought that the best way to do that would be to create a hitman service whereupon someone who's receiving harassment in-game would contact their organisation so that an agent can be dispatch to- bully the bullies? Yeah, the idea was that they would join your game and just repeatedly kill the person who was harrassing you in order to teach them a lesson. It feels almost painful to try and assess all the ways that doesn't even make sense as a concept, so I won't even bother; but safe to say that the idea has sought of tainted any and all third party gaming services.

It was such a stupid and braindead proposition that I'm still not completely sold on it being so sort of elaborate troll job that just fell flat on it's face. No one would ever be stupid enough to try and revive something like that, would they? I can only hope so, however I found myself reminded of that doomed venture just the other day when I was scrolling through Youtube videos, deftly trying to avoid what few spoilers haven't already hit me regarding the latter episodes of Golden Wind. (I literally know which episode every main character dies in, I hate Youtube spoiler thumbnails) During this mine-field navigation, I happened across a bizarre advert for this service know as Gank., something targeted towards gamers (so instinctively something that has me throwing up in my mouth) whereupon folk having trouble in online games can hire 'professional gamers'. Wait, why is this all starting to sound horribly familiar?

Now to be completely fair to the service, this isn't Bullyhunters and is nowhere near that dumb, they were just unfortunate enough to advertise themselves in such a way that it invoked that unholy concept. (Really should be more careful with advertising materials, guys.) Gank. is, in their own words, "A platform for gamers and... professionals...to earn money through freelance work through-" (Yes, they used 'through' twice in the same sentence. Who wrote this crap; me?) "providing in-game assisstance or participating in industry related work or events." That comes from the FAQ and is easily the single most coherent mission statement they have on the site. However it does seem to characterise this service in two odd directions. On one hand it sounds like a 'rent-a-friend' service where you can buy a game partner if you can't wrangle up real-life people to spend time with you. I guess there might be a market for that but I can't help but find that a little... sad. (And this is coming from someone with literally no friends; so you know someone's missed the target market with that pitch) And the second half just makes this seem like a networking platform for gig-work; which is totally fine and I think that's a great service to the industry. Connect these event organisers with people who can actually know what video games are, please! I can't stand another E3 game showcase with 'faux game-chat'!

But I want to get back to that 'rent a friend' part of the service, because that isn't just a side-project that they allow through their service. No, Gank. bills itself on that aspect, I didn't even know about the Gig connections until I searched the site, the ad I watched was all about the 'time renting', so lets see what any of this is even about. The site has actually listed a few helpful examples for why you would ever need to use this at all. 

For one there's coaching, and this is something I already figured for myself. Gank affirms that it just isn't enough to try to get better at a game through practice and that you need one of their experts to show you which way up to hold your controller. No clue what it is that denotes one of their 'gamers' as being 'skilled enough' to coach, but I can only assume that they're the best of the best because Gank just seems so reputable like that.

Then there's carrying, and this one I can genuinely see people going for; heck, I might have even put money down on such a service myself once upon a time. (My MMO days were hell, okay?) Who hasn't had that one match-up where you're just so far out of your depth that you need someone there to keep you up? It might not be your proudest moment by any stretch of the imagination, but gosh darn it you just want the pride of a victory, it doesn't matter how much pride you need to step to get there. In fact, I might just need a carry-buddy to get me through the latter half of 'Divinity: Original Sin'; these late-game enemy hordes are just nutty.

Now there's scrims, and this is when I really start to get the furrowed brow. 'Scrim', for the uninitiated, refers to stake-less online matches that are typically held in practice for actual ranked matches or even tournament bouts. Hiring someone for that could make sense if you want to ensure your match-up is going against a decent team rather than a bunch of disorganised randos. (If you aren't challenged during a scrim then it's not really worth the practice time, afterall.) But most teams usually end off practising against themselves in order to reinforce their tactics as well as counter around them. Hiring outsiders to play fill-in sort of seems like an overcomplication of the issue. (But hey; I ain't no tournament gamer so what do I know, right?)

The next category, my favourite, is Gamepals. Yep, this is described as 'Find like-minded companions to play with.' This is literally just Tinder for gaming. You want someone to spend time with, you could go online and try to prowl through forums of the sorts of games your interested in, put yourself out there and, be proactive. Or you could literally pay someone to spend time with you. Is this what rich people do? Is that the stuff they spend their money on? Is loneliness really so terrible that you gotta spend away your dignity like that? Okay, I shouldn't judge, I'm a wastrel. It's just- imagine spending hours opposite someone who's employed just to play games with you. That sounds so... Orwellian doesn't seem right, I'm sure not even Ol' George saw this coming. Just... Bizarre, I guess. And a little gross. Just a little.

Finally, and to me most confusingly, there's the section entitled 'Industry'. Aparrently their service will allow people to learn about "Behind-the-scenes in the gaming industry." I don't know what that means, are they going to employ ex-developers to hold one-on-one lectures or something? This section is vague. Unless they mean to refer to the gig work they're apparently offering; I guess literally getting drafted to work in the game's industry as a contractor will confer the odd secret or two. I don't know; this last bulletpoint reeks of 'We designed the graphic to have five points but we've only thought up four, quick we need some fluff!'

So now that we know what Gank. is, don't you want to know how Gank. works? I sure need to work it out, if I'm going to hire my next best gaming buddy! Now from what I can pick up, you just download their app, (the FAQ seems to imply that there's a browser service too, but the website literally just directs you to a QR code for your phone) sign you soul away to the Gank. servers and then jump into their microtransaction economy because of course there's an in-app currency, this is related to the gaming industry, isn't it? Gotta have multiple currencies! Yes, instead of haggling over hours you'll spend with your hired pal with real money, you instead use 'Gank Gold' because, say it with me now: 'When you substitute real money for fake money it divorces the value of what your spending and makes you likely to spend more than you otherwise would.' Okay, in honesty I'm giving them a harder time then I need to, were I ever to actually use this service I'd certainly rather spend my money through the appstore than have Gank. servers act as my official vendor. Don't really want them having my credit card info, no offence. (Still, they could have used 'Gank Credit' so that values don't get muddied. It's just a bad faith practice, is all.)

So that's about the high and low of Gank., but is there anything else I could possible talk about regarding these, and I say this in the most affectionate way that I can muster, weirdos? Well as I was scanning their site, learning this and that, such as their separate support email specifically for 'No Shows', I came across their tab for Press articles (which as of the writing of this blog is empty) and the tab for general articles. Which was not. But, what could a service that sells gamer friends possibly be writing articles about? How about their Valentines Day post 'Love is Among Us'. (Get it?) Or 'Three types of friends you meet playing video games': That's 'Pro Gamers', 'Fun teammates' and 'Best friends'. (Feels like that last one is a bit of stretch, not gonna lie) '3 Groups that would benefit from Ganks services' which would be 'N00bs', (yes, they were the ones who spelt it with zeroes; I'm not that much of a degenerate) 'Social Gamers' and 'Elo Hell gamers'. (Okay, I guess I'm an 'out of touch' social trash scumbag because I've never heard of 'Elo Hell' before. Apparently it's a Chess reference? Guess it means 'bad', I dunno) And then there's my favourite. (Crap, I said 'Gamepals' was my favourite. Okay, my new favourite) What is an E-Girl? (Ah yes, that mythical creature. Please enlighten us, Gank-senpai)

"Brightly coloured hair", "eccentric", "Female". I hope you're taking notes for your anthropology journals; there will be a test at the end of this! "What do E-Girls do for a living?" The question that has stumped many a historian, truly a head scratcher that one. "Storming the ‘Just Chatting’ genre of Twitch, E-girl streamers do pretty much everything that the fans want but within the terms of service of Twitch." An important declaimer to make there; we certainly don't want any E-Girl live-sacrifices getting broadcast. Apparently they show off their "dancing" and "singing" skills and use various other platforms outside of Twitch to make money such as "Patreon" and "Onlyfa-". Hang on. Did my man just name drop Onlyfans? I- I just-. "E-Girls should not be confused with gamer girls" is the sentence where I draw the line. I'm putting down my research notes, clearly the enigmas E-Girl is far too mysterious for me. Literally anything I've said which can be interpreted even slightly negative towards Gank. I hereby officially retract for no other reason than in sheer reverence of that beautiful trainwreck of an article I just read through. Thank you, Gank., you made my day.

So Gank. is... I'm going to say confused. It certainly wants to be some new indispensable tool for the connecting the modern gaming world, and perhaps a part of it's premise was fuelled by this standoffish segregated society we find ourselves in due to the Pandemic. In my heart of hearts, my Kingdom Hearts if-you-will, I want to say that I see the intent behind this service and that it's a positive one. But oh my god the presentation is just so funny. It seeps with this inexorable sludge of "How do you do, fellow kids?" that both makes my skin crawl and glues my eyes to read more. Gank. Fascinated me so much I read the Terms and Service, for gods sake, I don't even plan on using the thing! But you know what? For all the vaguely dystopian vibes I get from this service, against my better judgement; I wish it well. I want Gank. to be something we talk about in the same breath as Twitch, because that would just be the greatest gift of all time. Let the gaming industry be the first to mass popularise the 'I'm bored please spend time with me' gig economy, I beg you. (Actually, now that I think about it I'm pretty sure Japan already did this first. Sorry Gank., you're runner ups now.)