Someone wake me from this nightmare
So it's that time of year again. I'm another year older and that's a very fact that hurts me to accept thanks to that chronic Chronophobia I can't shake. (I know it's not actually 'Chronophobia', but I just like invoking the name of Chronos, okay?) Another year- what total crap. I'm pretty sure by now that you know how much my persona on these blogs hates the concept of aging, but let me assure you very definitively that even out-of-character I'm not even remotely okay with any of this. It's as though every single time I look at that number tick up I'm seeing another opportunity slip by to- take hold, if you will. Of what? I have no earthly idea. But it both haunts and torments me every damn day. And it's arbitrary, of course it is, we all age every second of every day, Birthdays just serve as the landmark to remind us it's happening, but to me it just symbolises that point in the year where I can't bottle up the nervous stress and it all comes spilling out. Which brings it out here as well.
As to how this translates to what's happening on the blog right now; I don't know. Yeah, I'm usually strangely more organised when I come to do these wrap ups, with theories and suppositions pointing me in some direction but this time I'm just at the end of my hairbrained scheming. Writing a blog in this is my daily charge that gives me purpose and meaning, and yet I feel trapped to it. A sleeping slave, if you will. I wish I could justify maybe toning these blogs down to just three or four times a week, but I feel like if I do it's going to lose that effect on me. That invigorating sting which reminds me "Wake up, you've got something to do". Depression isn't a topic I talk about too much on this blog, for many reasons that really roll up into: 'I'm English and repression is kind of like our racial starting ability from the character creator.' But if what I've heard about the effects and causes of such an 'affliction' is in anyway accurate (or enough to reach a comprehensive conclusion. Even though I already know it isn't) then I'd say that's probably what I have. Most certainly.
And it's not as though this is some new development, from my last birthday to this one. No, I'm pretty sure depression mixed in (or caused by) loneliness is what drove me to start this blog in the first place, spurred on by the offhanded comment of someone who likely doesn't even remember this unwitting suggestion. But even after two years I don't feel much better, I just feel like I've learned to think about it less. For one, I've haven't suffered from a single panic attack since I started this blog. Well, actually there was this one time- but that wasn't really an attack... the point I'm trying to say is that I know I'm getting better, even if I don't feel like I am. Yet none of that makes the existential dread of marching ever further in the years any more comforting. I think I'm coming to realise that I might be someone who hate's the journey, and just wants to rush the end.
Yet luckily I've had much in way of distractions to keep me preoccupied over the past year, including my discovery and absolute adoration for Jojo's Bizarre Adventure. You've probably noticed in a few blogs around here where I've littered a reference or two (or eight) into the another topic completely. I just love it so much. It's a great example of narrative weaving with great characters who are never 'dumb for the plot'. (Excusing the Part 4 finale. That was just really loud rain, okay?) I adore the humour, cherish the creativity and am ever in awe of the artistry behind the show. David productions did a simply unbelievable job of bringing the manga to life and keeping this artistic heart behind the presentation without devolving the story into self aggrandising pomp like 'art-house entertainment' is sort of known for. The show is accessible, and touches on grander concepts subtly. (For the most part. Part 5 certainly leaned on the wagon a bit heavier in that regard)
Unfortunately all good things must come to an end, and coincidentally the day I write this blog (Which is actually six days before the posting date and my actual birthday) is also the day where I finished my last episode of Jojo. God that sucks. Especially since this particular finale, the end of Golden Wind, veered off in such an atypical fashion which left me wanting but satisfied in a sheer paradoxical tsunami. Man, if it weren't for the next series, Stone Ocean, getting announced literally earlier this month I'd be spiralling out of control. On the bright side, this does open me up to focus more on other things like writing more on this blog. Which I think I still like doing, even if it's giving me troubles right now.
When I said I wanted to take the load off earlier, truthfully that was a projection more of where I was at a week ago, when I was struggling to think of what on earth I should write about. Obviously, the answer is that I should change things up and keep chugging, duh, but someone I couldn't reach that conclusion. With my 'Road to Ironman' blog on XCOM, I've started doing something I've truthfully wanted to do for ages, and though this has always been the sort of thing I wanted to share with others, (going on a journey to get good at something with other people so that we can all improve together) I don't have any friends so chronicling this to myself is really my own personal compromise. But then, that's actually been my philosophy behind this whole blog, hasn't it? Becoming my own phycologist because I have no one to talk two and my innate stubbornness refuses to pay money to a professional shrink. Hell, I don't even care if one took me on pro-bono; it's the principal of spending time talking to someone who's paid to be there. If I got that desperate I might as well just hit up some poor soul on GANK. to vent to. (But I couldn't just straight dump myself on some rando like that, wouldn't be right.)
Today I'm honestly feeling the will to write more than one blog a day, which is a feeling I'm desperately fighting to control unless I fall to it and then really end up with no time in my day-to-day. (What a disaster that would be) Which isn't to say that this won't completely turn on it's head tomorrow, or the day after that, I'm just oblivious at predicting myself like that, as much as it upsets me to admit. I could be tearing my hair out about my next blog this time tomorrow- but I hold myself off from feeling that creeping despair/pressure through the power of repression! (See: It's a great racial bonus!) 9 times out of 10, when I sit down and start writing it all just comes to me naturally anyway. And those 1/10 times I'm sure you can tell apart very easy just by reading the darn things. (they're atrocious) Does this mean I'm slowly becoming a natural writer? Maybe, I don't know. Hopefully.
But look at that! I managed to completely avoid the topic of my Birthday and growing older for most of this blog. See what I mean- repression and deflection man; that just comes naturally to a Brit like me. Who needs to come to terms with yourself when you just never face it? That's what I'm talking about! Meh, I think I'm mentally healthy enough to persist, more than I have any right to be given what I do and where I am. (I write a blog about gaming every day; by the media's reckoning that should have made me a mega mass-shooter years ago!) Or maybe I'm just one mood swing away from a complete psychotic break. Who knows? Who cares. At the end all that matters is I keep up this blog because I have no idea what's waiting at the end of the path where I stop. Is that fear talking? Probably. But I've come to terms with it all by now. (Oh. Sorry about all of that; I'm getting ever more ramble-y during these, huh?)
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