There comes a time every few years when the corporate world within which we resides just need to expel itself. No mask, no airs, no double-speak- just a straight squat and blast-out of all that gunk they've digested over the years into a purely distilled lump of capitalism. For the movie world that was the Bobbleheads Movie- oh yeah, I consider that even worse than the Emoji Movie- which was least entertainingly creatively bankrupt. And the video game world is not immune to such trends either, as evidenced by the recently released Funko Pop game which absolutely stunk to the high heavens for any and all who spared it even the most passing glance because come on- a Funko Pop movie? Really? Are we so out of touch- no, it's the studios who are wrong.
So there's a chance you haven't actually heard of this and are currently weighing up my mental fortitude after hearing talk of a Funko Pop video game but I swear this thing was announced at an actual industry event! It was brushed under the rug by an unbelieving populace desperate to insist that we weren't that far gone as a society just yet- but it happened, it was revealed- there's no hiding from your shame! And should that really be so much of a surprise? Does no one remember how a few years ago the only love that the Gears of War franchise saw was a mobile tactics game called 'Gears Pop' that stunned and bewildered the world? It actually lasted for a bit before predictably shutting down with a 'we did everything we wanted to do' kind of corporate lie message. So there was some weak level of precedent there!
What the actual fully fledged console-tuned Funko game wanted to do was basically copy the Disney Infinity Formula which in turn copied the Lego Dimensions formula which evolved the TTGames Lego game formula and turned it more cynical and cash grabby. Basically we're talking about open world levels draped across basic 3d platforming and puzzle solving only with a vast cast of cross franchise characters crudely inserted into ill-fitting franchise themed environments. A simple pleasure to be honest- and one which has actually made me want to play a Lego game. Give me a second, there's a bunch I haven't got around to yet and I'm gonna go install one right now. (Because that is what sensible people do when they want their kiddie game fix- they play the timeless classics that work just as fine as they always did!)
Where Funko perhaps stood out from the pack just that little bit is the sheer amount of properties that the Funko brand has gotten ahold of over the years. You might call them the Fortnite of the crappy merchandising world, creating figures of everything from Marvel characters to obscure 60's artists. I will never forget the absolute confusion by which I witnessed the Frank Zappa Funko Pop and just despaired at this desecration of a man who would have spat at such a property as this. Utilising those brands in a crossover capacity actually gave Funko considerably more flexibility than literally anyone other new comer to this space, if only they could get together and make a platform worth hosting them all on together. And to that end... well... games are hard to make, okay?
The Funko game is pretty much what you get when the mandate comes down to make as malleable of a children's game as it is possible to make because somehow this framework is going to need to be stretched to fit every property under the sun. This is the reason why those utter morons who preached about how WEB3 was going to totally revolutionise asset ownership within games were beyond help- they operated with the same one brain cell that these wierdoes do. To be clear- Funko Fusion appears to function as a game. But as a bland action adventure shooting game lacking charm or passion in pretty much any facet. And that goes from 'serviceable for kids' to 'kind of a waste of time and money' when you realise that this isn't a kids game- just look at the brands involved!
For one you have Hot Fuzz, yeah they kidnapped British comedy classic Hot Fuzz- I'm not happy about it either. That movie is pretty gory, excessively so for bizarre and usefully grotesquely humourous effect- but certainly not a kid's property. And this emulates that, playing out the beats of the story including that famous scene of a man's head being utterly obliterated by a falling church spire. (Terrible accident, that.) There's also an Invincible world, which may be a cartoon but... yeah, the children aren't surviving that season unscarred. And a JAWS world- wait- sorry I can't get over this. There is now a JAWS level in a video game... what am I supposed to do with that information other than weep? All and all- we have cheap kids game effort being put into a non kids game product. So what are the results?
Less than a thousand Steam players in the launch window. That's rough, buddy. What's rougher are the review scores, and the only defenders being those who go "wow these member-berries sure taste great!", because that is the literal only value this game represents. Otherwise it's buggy, uncreative, bland, repetitive, unloved, reductively derivative, thin boned, meagre and sad. And those are the adjectives taken from the kinder critics out there! Which I suppose in a roundabout way actually makes Funko Fusion one of the greatest adaptations ever made- because it captures the soulless hopelessness of the physical product itself to a startling tee. Truly admirable work there, I have to admit!
TTGames have a lot to answer for, both for creating a winning formula for children's games that have reverberated across generations for how timelessly fantastic it is, making it look so easy by producing so many of those games that anyone thinks they can do it, and then abandoning it with their recent ventures thus leaving the stage open for hacks to take their shot at the king. Truly you have created nothing when the mere sight of this game only drives me to opine of what new property TTGames could feasibly Lego-ise in their traditional fashion which would be worlds better than this... Honestly, I would unironically go crazy for a Game of Thrones Lego game- as much as that would absolutely never happen ever. Makes a heck of a dream, though... What were we talking about again? Can't remember.
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