Skyrim Anniversary Edition? Really?

 When there's no more space in your back catalogue; the Skyrims will walk the earth.

Okay, I'm not entirely sure how I'm supposed to get past this. I mean as a society, as someone who prides themselves in championing progression in the human race, I cannot fathom a world in which Skyrim will receive another rerelease. I don't know who's worse; is it Rockstar Games or Bethesda? Both have tried to fleece their fans for nearly ten years using the same base software, both are showing no signs of stopping. At least Bethesda pretended that they were working on something else to fill the void, even though at this point I'm convinced that The Elder Scrolls Six is little more than an animated wallpaper for Todd Howard's Macbook. But then in some ways doesn't that make this worse? An even bigger betrayal of trust. They promised their next TES game would be a new one, and they freakin' lied! Bethesda lied, because unbeknownst to us, and spitting in the face of all we hold dear, Skyrim Anniversary Edition is barrelling towards us for a 2021 release. (Good god, no.)

Now let me start by saying that I like Skyrim. Heck, I'll go so far as to say I even love the damn thing. It numbers in my top 10 favourite games of all time, (or at least it did; this announcement might cause quite the shake up) I still consider it the gold standard for open world fantasy games and there's few other titles out there that trigger my full 'roleplaying mode' switch like Skyrim does. When I sit down to play that game, I become a Nord in the frigid northern climates of the reaches. I endure the harsh realities of survival mode, descend into the pantheon against hardy snowy creatures, and persist the heavy debugging process of fixing my 100 mod playthrough. (Actually, 100 mods is a light playthrough for me, I'm usually around 150.) So when I say, nay scream with the fury of Star Platinum's Ora when he threw that one tower in the OVA, (you know the one) that I am sick to death of Skyrim; know it's from a place of utmost authority.

I know Skyrim. Heck, I have it's burlap map on my wall from 10 years ago, I can just about make it out from the dark of a room lit only by my computer screen; because despite learning of this new edition at 2:00 AM I knew I had to get my thoughts down when they were as raw as possible. This is the kind of game I'll think back on in my death bed, whether that be a year away or twenty, because it's impact on my life has been that significant. The way a lot of folk out there think about Baldur's Gate- that's Skyrim for me; a game which defined what it was to Roleplay. And I've finished it. I've finished it countless times. I've finished it with mods. I've finished it vanilla. I've finished it on console. I've finished it on PC. I've finished it Legacy edition and I've finished it in Special Edition. I can't do it anymore. I just can't. For the love of god, Bethesda; GIVE ME SOMETHING NEW TO PLAY! I'm begging you guys, scratching up my knees, wearing down my prayer beads, desperately praying for SOMETHING NEW! ANYTHING! Wait- no I take that back. Not anything- NOT ANYTH-

So the reason that this Anniversary Edition is coming our way is not, as some might have assumed, in order to stick a new engine in it and prolong it's appeal to the new age. Because if Bethesda did that then they'd have to give it to people who already own it for free again, and they ain't skipping out on profits like that again. No, this time Bethesda are giving us what I can only assume is a repackaged version of Special Edition only reloaded with 500 pieces of Creation Club content, and good lord I don't even know how there is that many Creation Club pieces. There was absolutely not that many entries in the store when they retired the system in the wake of the Pandemic. (and not because of the widespread bad press it was constantly generating, warranted or otherwise)

My only guess is that Bethesda are counting each individual item in the various Creation Club mods as their own piece of content, which is technically true, if misleading. Or heck, maybe they've been busy during the year-long hiatus, hiring more contractors to make Creation Club content which they then... didn't sell... for some reason... (I'm sticking with my first explanation for now, it makes more sense) Whatever the case, this is going to be Bethesda's big ploy for justifying selling this Anniversary Edition to people who've already bought the damn game enough to cover Todd Howard's car insurance for the year, like I have. And yes, it's not yet confirmed that this is the case, but I pull up evidence A: This is modern Bethesda we're talking about, that's obviously what they're going to do.

Hmm? That's not true? It's free? No hidden costs? I don't believe you. I don't believe anyone. Moreover, I can't believe you, because if I did than I'd have to accept that there's no good reason on this earth why I shouldn't play it. Even if they slapped a £2 price point on the thing and shoved it at me, that'd be my excuse, but if it's genuinely going to show up in my download list without me having to lift a finger; then that's another Winter of mine sacrificed to Skyrim. You can't do this to me, Bethesda, it isn't right; it's cruel. Moreover, it doesn't even make sense. Isn't the plan to port Skyrim to everything from Last gen to Switch to VR to Alexa? Well, why not phones? Don't tell me that your average phone can't run Legacy Edition of Skyrim because I will insist that you're wrong. Or are Bethesda waiting until next year for Skyrim Mobile Edition? Spreading their growth portfolio out, are they?

To think that currently we're looking at two remasters from the industries most prolific homework copiers, and if rumours are to be believed (and I'm thinking that they are) then Rockstar are actually the guys who have a more interesting offering on their plate. Churning spittings off the rumour-mill are saying that Rockstar are looking to remaster their 3D era of games (III, Vice City, San Andreas) for the new generation, and that sounds genuinely interesting and like it could herald something really special. Meanwhile what can we expect from Anniversary Skyrim? A new update to the graphics to slather onto this aging engine? (I swear to god if my computer can't run the new Skyrim that just might be it for me, I don't think I'll be able to take that humiliation. I might just off myself.) Oh, wait; no they're adding a fishing module into the game... Which I actually want to play... dammit.

I can just see Todd Howard right now, pacing around in his black and white jumpsuit, swirling his cape as he plots. "Oh Anniversary Edition is real all right. Real enough to drag pathetic fans like you back into our active player figures! And we bought you back without ever having to resort to 'making a new game' or 'promising an impending sequel'. You're not getting Elder Scrolls VI, you're not getting Starfield; I'll give you Skyrim. And not just that, I'll give you most spectacular Skyrim you've ever seen, on every device you can access! And when I'm old and I've had my fun, I'll sell the code for porting Skyrim; so that everyone else can keep porting Skyrim to new systems! Every new Bethesda game will be Skyrim. And when every game's Skyrim..."

"No game will be."