EA wants some slack their way

Gureto Desu yo, Koistu wa!

I was walking to the shops the other day and a thought struck me blind like a silver bullet through the head, a golden realisation that would morph and reshape my very perception of what I had understood to be real, a star written prophecy heaven-sent to me. CEO of Electronic Arts, Andrew Wilson, is Australian Yoshikage Kira. Now think about it- they both sport that 'clean-cut salary man' cliché look to them, with that plastered-on soulless face which says; "I haven't felt a genuine emotion in fifteen years". They both precede to constantly do just terrible things to other people, destroying lives (albeit, Kira more literally than Andrew does) and then seem actually galled and bewildered why that then invites scorn and trouble in their lives, depriving that quiet existence. They both sit in, and excel within, positions that lend themselves well to psychopaths. (Not armchair diagnosing anyone, just making an observation) And both like to take a back seat to the dirty work whilst letting the tools get their hands bloody in their place. So, I guess in this analogy, that makes Blake Jorgensen, Killer Queen. (Alternatively people have pointed out that Wilson is a dead-ringer for Handsome Jack, but I'm making the analogies today.)

Why does this matter? Because recently, headlines have been coming for Blake Jorgensen's throat over comments, which I'm sure he thought were throwaway, during an earning's call last Wednesday. Blake was doing the most, as is his job, talking up the company and their many successes as EA crossed ever more profit milestones. As usual the company is dripping with money, and in fact they've been getting a lot more than they expected, with the recent release of Mass Effect Legendary Edition apparently trouncing sales assumptions. Big boy Respawn knocked it out of the park to turn around and score simply record profits and promising growth with Apex. So all in all things are nice and toasty down in Hell this time of year, how nice for the demons. What's more, they apparently just got done buying Codemasters (actually that was back in February but I'll admit I had no idea that happened. Best of luck to the racing car people.)

Actually, the stealth of this acquisition was pretty much what Killer Jorgensen was raving about like an unhinged real estate agent. There was no fire to put out, no devil from the ninth realm to slay, EA simply bought the company and integrated them back into the swing of things completely by the book. The words he apparently used are "No negatives", which I guess means that the subsequent departure of Codemaster leadership only four months after the purchases is a plus then. (Great, I'm learning a lot about EA business today!) But the sentence that really rustled feathers is the one that belies either a gross ignorance for one's own company history (for which he himself had a hand in) or a malicious-strewn disregard for good taste. On commenting about how smooth the acquisition was, Blake said, after what I can only envision was a moment of him theoretically chucking the script to one side, loosening his tie and taking a sip of his wine glass: ""And you know what? We don't get enough credit for this, but EA is a bunch of people who really can work well together. And we do a great job of working with other parts of our company. And when we bring in acquisitions, we work well with them." Oof. That's a sentence you can only hope charred the lining of his mouth the second it left.

Because you see, one of the biggest reasons why EA is so reviled within the industry as well as without, is exactly because of the way they treat acquisitions. That's like- Vlad the Impaler going around demanding more recognition for his various contributions towards peace, because one time there was a village that he couldn't be bothered to raid after a long day of butchering and so he decided to save them for a week or two down the line. (Where's their Noble peace price already!?) But by all means, let us take a gander at the famed list of company's that EA Killer Queened into Oblivion. Westwood, the 'Command and Conquer' guys, died in 2003 after only five years under EA rule. Bullfrog, of Dungeon Keeper fame, got done in 2001 after six years. Pandemic lasted barely a year with EA leadership, perishing in 2009. PlayFish struck out for four years until 2013 was their last. I've literally touched on less than half here, I just can't be bothered to do the rest.

What I will say is that this reputation EA has fostered as the 'boogey men' of the Games Industry is there for a reason and well justified. The general consensus is that EA have an all-too-predictable pattern of preying on a Studio and luring them in under the promise of being part of a bigger industry collective, then sucking them dry of talent, autonomy and passion before axing the desiccated corpse so that they can munch up those all-so-valuable IPs. A despicable dance made specifically for profiteering down the line. And I'm sure that when faced with such accusations the predictable heads over at EA have their defence well-practised: "It's just the unfortunate way of business, sometimes partnerships work out, sometimes they don't". But the sheer number of times a partnership with EA has turned out disastrous for the little guy and beneficial to them just has to raise some eyebrows to anyone with a lick of common sense.

How about the 'Command and Conquer' games I mentioned earlier, which were stomped out of existence by EA only to bought by as a short lived Mobile game which is amazingly still out (how have they not shut down servers?) but nobody plays the obvious cash-grab abomination. Dungeon Keeper suffered a near identical fate when one of their games was bastardized and spat out of the EA machine, a shallow mobile mess, years after the original IP was ripped from the cold dead hands of it's founders. Star Wars Battlefront; stolen from Pandemic. As was 'Destroy all Humans' for that recent remaster. But the kicker; EA's latest tease project, the Dead Space remake/remaster thing, is only possible because EA murdered Visceral in 2017 and absconded with the IP. So they're still exploiting obliterated companys to this day, whilst bragging about their own magnanimity out the sides the of their mouths. (Killer Jorgensen, you rascal.)

And it's not just the straight-out murders. Because just like Kira himself, sometimes EA likes to treat studios to fates worse than death through their Daisan No Bakudan: Bites Za Dusto. Just ask Maxis, the creators of the Sims are technically still around, although that's only in name because their company was cut up and swallowed by EA like the Abzorbaloff from Doctor Who. (Quick tangent, I hated that episode bitterly and refuse to watch it as an adult) Or how about Bioware, who are in the midst of having their talent sucked out of them in order to either become EA's next snack or, as I suspect is more likely given the general negative perception the murders have gotten them, an assimilation into the collective so that EA can steal all of Bioware's Autonomy, yet still stamp their logo onto any RPG efforts EA makes in the future to trick people into thinking this new game is old-school Bioware approved. (Actually, they might already have done that. Someone check Bioware's pulse!)

To end this like a Dhar Maan video; So you see, Blake Jorgensen, all of that is the reason why you don't get an award for industry excellence just because you acquired a company and managed to refrain from ripping it shreds for all of 4 months. That's called 'normal human behaviour' you see, making it typically not applaud-worthy. It's the same conversation we have every couple of years, where EA loses track of why they're the badguy for a hot minute before the Internet slaps them around the head and they go, "Oh yeah, we're aligned Chaotic Evil. How do we keep forgetting that?" (Maybe we need edgy 2019 Billie Eilish to write their press releases for them; help them keep on top of the roleplaying) For the future: Try and keep your virtue signalling to a minimum, EA; it's oh-so jarring.