Have you ever had one of those moments when you just stop dead in the middle of the street and shout "No". I did, just now. There I was, walking home with the shopping not a care in life. I was bopping to some music, as I often do, completely ignorant to the travesties happening in the world all around me every second of every day. But I wouldn't stay that way for long, happenstance would have my head turn to face the side of a bus across the road from me. I saw the advert and looked away, thinking nothing of it. But then I stopped, 'That couldn't have said what I thought it said' I thought, incredulity overpowering reason. I literally did a double take in order to absorb the magnitude of what I had just read. The Angry Birds Movie 2.
And before you start getting onto me about how 'This isn't supposed to be a movie blog', let me remind you of a more innocent time when Angry Birds was just a low-effort high-yield mobile game. Oh, how blessed those times were. Not that I ever played Angry Birds, teenage me was too much of an insufferable hipster to stoop so low, but I always begrudgingly respected it. How could you not respect a game so popular that they managed to get away with a Star Wars Crossover, and that was after the Disney acquisition! Even before the dragon EA managed to curl it's scaly lips open enough to form the words "10 year exclusivity", Rovio Entertainment had their foot in the door to make the first Disney licensed Star Wars Game. So much for quality control.Yet even with all the money in the world, no one took them seriously when The Angry Birds Movie was first announced. How many times did projects like this get announced, presumably during a coke-fueled office rave, only to be canned after everyone sobered up the next morning."Oh yeah, I'm sure actual human beings sat around a boardroom and decided to greenlight The Angry Birds Movie." We sarcastically thought. "When there are still genuine heartfelt stories left to be told in the world, Hollywood would obviously rather tell the story of the Angry Birds." In hindsight, there was no way this movie wouldn't get made.
For those who haven't subjected themselves to it and may believe that I'm being harsh, let me reassure you. The Angry Birds Movie is cinematic garbage. Oh sure, it might try to get away with itself, marketing that it is 'just a comedy' and also 'a film for kids'. To that, I would like to propose that neither of those labels count as satisfactory excuses and in actuality are even more damning. Firstly, when did it become generally acceptable for comedy movies to be trash? I know that recent comedic ventures may paint the picture that this was always the case, but one merely needs to go back to the classics to see it was not always so. 'Life of Brian' is genius, 'Airplane' is absurd gold, 'This is Spinal Tap' goes to 11. These movies show you that 'comedy' isn't slang for 'low effort'. Comedy is hard to pull off, it requires empathy, wit and timing. Comedy can be crude, highbrow, dark and cheerful. It can open up your audience and make them vulnerable to other emotions. A great comedy can even make you cry.(For the right reasons) Comedy is an artform when handled correctly. The Angry Birds Movie does not handle it correctly.
As for the 'just for kids' excuse. Since when do we not care about the things we show to our kids? Would you let your kids watch a snuff film? How about Game of Thrones? Or >shudder< season eight? Of course not, we curate what we allow children to see so that we can remain watchful over their developing minds. That shouldn't just apply to extreme content but to trash too. Who remembers the Disney renaissance? Disney have always made their movies for kids but rarely do they half ass projects on account of that fact. Just look at Aladdin, Hercules, The Lion King, Pocahontas. (Okay, maybe not that last one.) We also have the movies of Don Bluth to prove to us that children love movies that are allowed to be dark and scary. Just look at 'The Secret of N.I.M.H', 'The Land before Time' and 'All Dogs go to Heaven'. All these movies are remembered, not because they spoke down to kids but because they respected them and treated them like adults. These are the properties that go onto define a generation, not this cynical corporate crap.
But we are no longer in those golden ages. Don Bluth doesn't make movies anymore, half of Monty Python are dead now and Disney is more interested in remaking (ruining) their old movies. What right do I have to call myself an amateur writer when we live in a world so devoid of authenticity that writer and producer John Cohen can win the Jussi Award for best film with Angry Birds. Okay, I'm getting a little bit personal now, I'll admit that. But maybe everyone involved should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves. Come on Peter Dinklage, you were in Game of Thrones! Have some dignity Josh Gad, you were in Frozen! (You were arguably the worst part, but still!) Stand up for yourself Jason Sudeikis, you were in... huh, literally nothing good. Okay, maybe he deserves it. (Or maybe he deserves to finally be in a good movie.)
The Angry Birds Movie 2 is not the death knell for creativity, that was sounded long ago. It's just a member of the mourning procession, here to carry integrity to it's final resting place. You may think I'm overreacting. And I am. But you would be acting the exact same way if you just saw a giant billboard of reasons why you, and everything you ever try to achieve, is, and will always be, insignificant. Before you've even had a chance to try, you've already lost. Despite thinking so desperately that you're right, you fail nonetheless. It's frightening. Turns the legs to jelly. I ask you to what end? Dread it, run from it, destiny arrives all the- wait, I'm quoting Thanos, what was I talking about again? Angry Birds? Yeah, screw that movie.
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