Peter Parker. What a trainwreck. I mean honestly- just an L of a human. My man get's all the powers he could ever want- I'm talking unbelievable, reality shaping, abilities. I'm not even on his super strength or the ability to stick to walls- I just mean that Spider-Sense stuff. That is literally the power of precognition derived form a horrendously shaky assumption on how arachnids avoid getting squished. Man can sense the actual future before it happens and the sense can even, on occasion, reason out potential harmful outcomes of seemingly mundane activities and ward Peter off it. That is a god tear ability. And still my man can't balance his check book, can't keep a relationship straight and can't be anything more than a disappointment to Aunt May. I mean seriously.
I'm not saying that Peter has to go around robbing banks, but maybe browse the stock market a bit? I'm pretty sure Spidey Sense can figure out stock options. Maybe with a bit more sustainability around his life the man would be able to keep a single romantic partner down whether that be Gwen Stacy, (who he accidentally killed) Felica Hardy, (who's dialogue options he regularly flubs) Kitty Pryde (Can't believe they ever were together, literally have no idea what that relationship was about) Kamala Khan (Okay that was Miles, I'm cheating now.) Michelle Jones (He annoyed a wizard until he erased his existence from her mind) And of course Mary Jane. Although I think what happened to Mary Jane might have been the absolute worst flub Spidey ever did.
You probably know the story if you know literally the first thing about modern Spiderman, but I love to tell a story so bare with me. Imagine this- the Devil pops up and asks you for a deal. Why? Because your ancient aunt was shot by a bullet that was meant for you and was going to die. Spiderman, who apparently was not coming to terms with the fact that even sans-bullet the old girl was probably going to sunset in a winter or so anyway, decides screw it and erases his marriage with Mary Jane from existence including their unborn child who I can only assume was going to Spidergirl, Mayday Parker. Why? Because one conservative-ass Spiderman writer was getting scared at the prospect of having to come up with new situations for a sixty year old character and just wanted to hit the old reset switch and go back to the good old days where Peter was a bachelor struggling to pay rent out of his two-bit apartment. I dunno, maybe that's more relatable. Sure.
But here's the thing- that's stupid. And though the Marvel comics team at the time were very adamant that this hilarious regressive stab at Spiderman's comic line was absolutely not going to be walked-back: come on. Didn't the Marvel Comics team insist the exact same when they took one of their most famous brands, a character created by two Jewish artists, Captain America- and made him a racist Nazi canonically, no alternate universe, no brainwash, absolutely zero cap? Only to then go "actually it was brainwashing" hardly a few issues later? They didn't need to stick with their guns on the whole 'erased Marriage' thing. That was never going to go anywhere good. But they did and what resulted is one of the funniest eras of fictional storytelling I've ever witnessed from a distance.
So I haven't been up to date with Spiderman comics since I was a kid, too expensive, too little time. But when I hear someone tell me that Spiderman hasn't been good ever since they turned Peter into a cuck- you can bet I'm going to start doing a little research. As it turns out that is kind of exactly what happened thanks to another story designed directly to take a shot at Spiderman which saw the webhead whisked away to an alternative dimension from Mary Jane for a couple of years only to come back and find her married with kids to perhaps the most annoying human of all time. I truly do think that Paul's design is part of what ticks people off- he seems like a genuine background sketch character that has been promoted to the main cast in a manner that boggles the mind to compute.
Pencil strap beard, thin moustache, glasses- there's something aggressively specific yet generic about Paul- he feels like a conjuration of some exact personage despite that person's apparent plain-ness. To be fair his original appearance, in the midst of some sort of apocalyptic scenario as I vaguely recall, is more predictable for a newer Marvel character- muscles, man bun, the like. The follow up comic series is where the character was 'sanitised' into this odd OC amalgamation of the very stereotype of millennialism. I'd call him a Self Insert but unlike with some other recent controversial characters that doesn't appear to be the case. He just appears to be designed to be as annoying as possible, even from a design level. And I respect that in a way- they knew what they were doing.
What gets Spiderman fans riled up, I think, is simply the way that Paul feels inserted specifically to heighten the 'torture of spiderman' that Marvel seems to delight in. Even as life returned to normal Paul was kept around as a barrier between Mary Jane and Peter's potential rebudding relationship. Not as a hurdle to be overcome like in a Romcom- but a permanent fixture barring the two. And note- I'm not a Mary Jane purist myself. I always thought that Spiderman always had much more in common with Felcia Hardy and no writer was brave enough to develop their relationship towards what would be a much more compatible finale. But I'll take MJ over this misery party that the Spiderman writers seem to be forever throwing over Peter and his personal life. I mean, damn!
Still- nothing lasts forever. And that counts double for Paul. Despite haunting the latest run of Spiderman with his stink, Paul and his controversial run has come to an end following months of first irate, then increasingly disinterest fandom from the already niche comic reading crowd. Zeb Wells' contentious reign is reaching it's conclusion and what follows next will likely be a spring in the exact opposite direction to a universe where Peter Parker isn't being nearly killed by the Vulture whilst Norman Osbourne berates him over the phone. Maybe they'll even go the high road and give him his relationship with MJ back. (But Felicia would be better.)
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