I'm going to be honest- the small window of time within which Borderlands was a respectable franchise disappeared long ago. Borderlands 1 is actually a fun concept wrapped around a game that is passingly humours. A few good jokes and a lot of loud obnoxious attempts at humour that might get you on a first time around but the second- Earl made me want to tear my eyes out, I swear. They got better as the DLC came out. The Armoury of General Knox is genuinely hilarious. Borderlands 2 was obviously the height of the franchise in the eyes of the audience- polished, funny, replayable, perfect. Tales from the Borderlands? Best writing the franchise ever saw. But, of course, that wasn't really the last we heard of Borderlands, now was it?
Then we've got Borderlands 3, the long awaited sequel that... I mean the gameplay was good. Their attempt to follow up Handsome Jack might be the single most mis-casted voice actress I've ever heard in a video game. (Sometimes I can hear the concept artist crying about how badly they translated all of their incredibly strong design concepts into actual life.) The game didn't really appeal when it came to characters and story- but at least they brought actual unique weapons back. (Thanks for dunking those Pre-Sequel.) Then New Tales from the Borderlands dribbled out such a pathetic successor to the original it's actually stunning to think it borrows their name. I am astounded. And Tiny Tina's Wonderland caused such a horrendous stink show around the community, only for Pitchford to come out and declare it the companies biggest success without the slightest hint of irony.
What I'm trying to say is that the writing has been very much on the wall for the Borderlands franchise. Not only is the quality of what Borderlands provides outside of it's raw gameplay decaying, but the creepy little weirdo who runs the show is growing so unaffably isolated from the community he serves I'll bet he's taken to not even referring to his 'fans' as sentient beings anymore. He screams delusional self importance complex. So what happens when you have a studio adaptation of a video game franchise that is so embattled that even the original creators have no clue how to put out contents fans are happy with? What do you do when there's no Nintendo knocking on your shoulder telling you exactly what you can and cannot put in your adaptation?
The Borderlands movie was handed over to Eli Roth, a man never known to be interested in the video game world, (maybe he is privately, but we don't know about it) written by Craig Maizan who was so ashamed that he decided to be credited by the pseudonym 'Joe Crombie'- red flags thy name was Borderlands. It felt like the kind of movie that only ever saw the light of day because of other video game adaptations that actually ended up doing well. Look at 'The Last of Us' for comparison and you might see the opportunity for an Oscar in one of these productions, Fallout sealed the deal. Then scan the industry and see who's desperately hopping on one foot begging for a big movie studio to come in and swoop him away and you'll get the disaster of a lifetime.
From the very first moment I heard this movie was even conceived of I knew it would be a bad idea. And that was before I was even into the Borderlands games genuinely. I'd played them but I didn't get it yet. And still I knew it would be bad. Only to have Randy himself solidify those doubts in that legendarily off-base diatribe wherein he filmed an unhinged jaunt about the Borderlands set practically sniffing the scenery for all of his boyhood wonder at a fairly mundane movie set. Then those concerns were exploded into the stratosphere with the trailer that just so happened to demonstrate an ill-fitting cast reading a bad script amidst colourful, but sparse, environments.
And yet by some miracle it seems that I was wrong. People aren't just saying that the film is bad- they're reporting it is apocalyptically bad- to an almost unreal degree. The writing is tired, the characters are sucked of their personalities and key defining traits (For one it seems the team have literally never seen a single second of Tannis and how she acts.) It actually is starting to make me feel a little jealous over here. I figured I'd already watched and supported the year's biggest stinker with Madame Web but now... now I'm wondering whether or not it's worth it going to endure the next biggest Warcrime that Hollywood has cooked up.
When it comes to asking the serious question of 'what in the heck went wrong'- I'd like to posit a theory. I believe that Randy Pitchford has been such an embarrassingly childish detriment to all art and life around him- as he has proven to be for most of his professional career- (and perhaps even his life before that- but I can only assume, we'd have to interview his family for confirmation) that his inputs where what set this movie up to fail. Casting legendary actors who in no way fit the roles, but would just happen to be idols to someone around the age of Pitchford? Yeah, I'm betting this was his boyish fantasies brought to screen. Of course I'd be foolish to accuse him of jeopardising the whole thing. The writer, director and- from what people are saying- some of the cast: dropped the ball too.
At least we have a silver lining to all of this. That being Strauss Zelnick, the Take-Two CEO, letting us all know that the film will not be a prelude to a coming deluge of video-game-to-movie projects. Unless it's 'really superb', they won't be funding any more trite like this. But then again, Strauss does seem to think that Borderlands is a worthy franchise so who knows- maybe we're get a 'Lemmings' movie next. But if there's one thing I am absolutely certain of, it's this. Randy Pitchford will, at some point, come out and try to gaslight reality itself by claiming the movie was 'really great' and an overall 'success' for them. Mark. My. Damn. Words.
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