You know when you have a great game, right? A solid game with an established identity that is so set in stone that it doesn't need improvements or iteration because at this point to do so would be like... cultural assassination or something! I mean we like our games that have stood the test of time, our Mario's and our Space Invaders, but we need a little something extra sprinkled into those recipes in order to keep us interested, right? That's just the natural order of things! But what if there's a game with even more of a shelf life than even Mario? An evergreen sort of game! Well that would be totally beyond reproach if such a game existed, but I guess that would really depend on how much more staying power we're talking than that 40 year old franchise. How about a game so unanimous that it's basic rules and makeup haven't warranted an update once in the past 600 years? That would be pretty impressive, no?
Well that's the case with Chess- the true duelling game of the dark ages requiring a level of thought I am apparently anathema to. I can barely figure out what my next hour is going to be like, let alone devise and execute a twenty step plan to lure my enemies into the perfect position to capture one of their bishops. But I know of the game, who doesn't? Castles and Kings and Queens and Bishops and Knights and that one weird rule where the pawn can move two spaces in it's first turn but only at the beginning of the match sometimes. Or castling, a rule I'm positive that no one outside the professional circuit understands, and I don't think it's even allowed in professional tournaments anyway. (No, apparently it is. It's just such a rare circumstance that any professional would have to resort to it that we never see it.)
What I'm trying to establish is that Chess is the kind of game that is sacred at this point. Dating back at least 1500 years in some form or another, we've really done all we can getting to the core of the game at it's best, right? Because in most places in the world it is played with the same rules, using the same pieces, upon the same board. You would have to be crazy to stubbornly cling onto some antiquated ruleset simply for the tradition of it- and in doing so inflict your 'crazy golf' version of traditional chess that makes me question every impulse to keep existing in this hellishly accursed world. That'd be real messed up if you did something like that- Asia! That's right, this is a diss-track on Shogi. Don't know what Shogi is? Stick around, you'll regret you ever learned!
So when you've played through every single Like a Dragon game- some of the rigors of Japanese society are going to stick around in your grey matter, for the simple fact that it is a franchise dripping with minigames all based around cultural touchstones. And snowball fights. Them too. As such I have bashed my head against Mahjong, tried a few hands at Pachinko- and never once want to touch Shogi again in my life. I can take games of chance, comprehend my failure to be lucky as it translates to my real world circumstances- I am no stranger. But when it's a game of strategy, of skill- I like to think a guy as stubborn as me can bash his head against the wall long enough until it caves in. That some essence of the game will click if I just push it long enough. But just like when I went against Milena: Blade of Miquella- I was in over my head from the get-go.
Let's explain this. You ready for this? I mean you aren't, but you ready to pretend that you are? Good, let's go. So you know Chess. Everybody does. Simple board, two opponents, two rows of symmetrical forces- except, whoops! First change. Now there are three rows, and the forces aren't symmetrical. I mean they mostly are, but that middle line, which consists of only two guys standing on their lonesome, like the arches of a Torri gate? Yeah, they're different. Who knows why. Anyway, the game pretty much plays the same only with much more rigid troop movements. Lancers can only go forward, for example, unless they reach the lines (back three rows) of the enemy at which point every force develops limited full directional movement- basically making them surrogate kings in their own right. Oh, and you can summon units from the dead.
Did you read that? No, I mean I assume you read it- but what I mean is did you understand it? You couldn't have because you haven't shut down this page and declared I'm a liar because that sounds insane. But it isn't. That's in the rule book. Enemies that are killed (or 'captured', I suppose) can be placed back on the board. Which is... not the most insane part. That would be the fact that you are placing the enemies units back on the board as your own! Yep, that means when you capture that Bishop, it's now your Bishop! By some utterly nonsensical farce of nature, the prisoners of war totally flip on their kingdom within the same battle! What kind of rent-a-thug asshats are these kingdoms warring with anyway? They find their armies on Wish.com or something? Geez! And of course, this means that when you're losing in Shogi- you're really losing! Bad!
But what if I just slapped you around the face with another dunk of cold water? What if I just blew your tiny little mind? What if I said that wasn't the craziest part? You would be forced to declare I have lost my mind and am currently dancing around the land of faeries with my head up their glittery behinds, right? Except no, I'm not. The most insane part is that you can place these resummoned units anywhere on the board! That's right I said anywhere. And just for the sake of clarity- anywhere includes behind enemy lines. Which makes Shogi the Anime-version of chess where entire goddamn battalions can instant transmission behind the unit wall with a pithy "Sorry kid" before wiping out your entire line and calling it a day. And anyone is supposed to make sense of this utter chaos we call a tactical game? I'd have better luck going to actual war.
Shogi is the product of a stubborn madman who saw how the rest of the world was sanitizing his game and bitterly fought to retain his quirk eccentric variation until it entered the point of 'national heritage' and now cannot be amended. I truly believe that a study into Shogi mastery could double as an exploration into the minds of people incapable of participating in the Turing test for the simple reason that their minds don't operate like Human's either- so the AI would be totally stumped about which party was meant to be artificial to begin with. I hold my inability to be anything other than crap at Chess as a point of shame, but my utter bewilderment with Shogi is a badge of pride- because it means I retain some slither of Humanity in my twisted little head.
No comments:
Post a Comment