Someone cover that thing up!
Video games, most of the time, belong nowhere near the silver screen and any attempt to try and change that is an affront to god. I maintained this when the Halo show was announced all those years ago, and was vindicated when it launched, I tried to look at the potential when the Resident Evil show was announced, only to be punished for my optimism when that launched; and I've felt that way during the entirety of the pre-production for The Last of Us Show, and we'll see how that turns out shortly. There's just a much larger chasm of difference between what makes a piece of interactive media work compared to what makes a tv show work. Almost every conversation in Grand Theft Auto games are stretched out commands with exposition hidden beneath a, sometimes witty, back and forth. That would be terribly boring and uninspired in a TV show, but when brought to a video game that's the perfect balance you're looking for. It's not a matter of inexperienced video game writers being trounced by TV writers (Like I've seen proposed) it's a fundamental different style.
Most traditional media creators stubbornly refuse to acknowledge this divide and it leads to ideas being greenlit that should have never survived in front of a boardroom. How did we get 2 Hitman movies? Incompetence and lack of insight. Why was Uncharted adapted back into a film despite the original concept essentially being Indiana Jones adapted into a game? Incompetence and lack of context. And why are video game adaptations becoming more plentiful in a market already over saturated with adaptations of every kind? Incompetence and a lack of imagination. All of which is my lead up to presenting my utter disdain towards video game to movie adaptions. It will take a very special brand with a very special creator to pull that match off- which brings us to the Super Mario Movie.
Mario... is actually quite a strong choice for adaption. He's universal, iconic, versatile and malleable. Such to the extent that he has already been adapted a bunch of times over the years into everything from TV shows to one increadibly... loud, movie. We've seen live action Mario, 2D animated Mario and now a 3d animated version. All we need is an anime and- oh wait, there was an Anime too! (Silly me.) My point is, when Nintendo turns around and announces they want to make a step into film production and Mario will be the lightning rod; that proposition is able to slip past my natural guard and touch upon my "Huh, maybe this will actually be good..." senses. Because after everything we've been through as a society; isn't it just about time that we get a good Mario movie? Something to wash the taste of the old live action one from our mouths; a taste that somehow returns every time we're even reminded it exists?
But then they partnered with Illumination in order to make that movie and I just don't know how I feel about the whole thing anymore. Out of every current major animation studio making movies, Illumination is the only one not to bring out a single indisputably high quality product. Universal Studios has The Land Before Time, Sony Pictures has Enter the Spider Verse, Pixar has... 95% of it's filmography, and Illumination has... Minions? Sure, Despicable Me was financially big, but not quite an impressive bit of animated film making, and yet that has remained the singular height of their filmography ever since it was released. They know how to make money, no doubt; but when it comes to doing it's movies justice, one might be better served going to literally any one else. So of course Nintendo went straight to the riskiest choice. (N loves to live on the edge!)
Maybe Miyamoto was seduced by the line-up of big name Hollywood actors that Illumination promised for the project like Jack Black as Bowser, Anya Taylor-Joy as Peach and Chris Pratt as... ah, I can't even lie. Chris Pratt was just a bland choice for a character with a memorably iconic Italian voice. And the only time he wasn't given that iconic Italian sound-board, the plumber was granted an equally as iconic New York accent. So what did Chris bring to the role, now that we have an actual real trailer to judge his performance from? Um... he bought nothing. Not a thing. Just like we all knew he would from the second his name was announced, my man just rocked up to the roll with his own voice and hoped that the world wouldn't notice. Jack Black is putting on his best growl for Browser, Keegan-Micheal Key nails Toad so well it isn't even funny. And Chris... phones it in.
I mean, man! After all the time memeing about how lack lustre Chris would be, joking that he'd literally just walk into the booth and do his own voice and hearing Chris himself gloat about how proud he is of the voice they struck... and it's just his own voice with a slight tinge of Manhattan on top. It's just sad, is what it is. As if we didn't need yet another reason why hiring celebrities in animation roles for their star power is a losers game. I wouldn't even mind so much if Chris was just going to voice Mario for a single standalone movie, but we already know that Nintendo are suing for an entire animated cinematic universe resulting in a crossover Super Smash Bros movie, so this is going to be our lead for the duration! (Oh, quick: who is going to be the after credits badguy to tease the extended universe? I think it's probably going to be something boring like Master Hand; but there's a chance they'll tease Ganon. My utmost dream, however, would be a Sephiroth tease.)
And of course there's going to be those absolute fart-sniffing pretentious dorks out there who cram on about "Why do you care? It's a kid's movie! There are more important things going on in the world!" Yes, by all means make wild allusions and evaluations to pump up your own self worth, whatever helps you sleep at night. But I'm going to rant on about lacking effort and commitment anyway. Some have pointed to the other trailer dubs and noted how the French Dub for Mario actually pays homage to Charles Martinet whilst toning down the wackiness so it'll fit in a movie where the man has to hold conversation. So there is a balance that could have been struck without slipping into potentially offensive Italian stereotype territory. It's a balance of how much you put into the performance. And apparently Chris was just feeling like a half-hearted New Yorker for this one.
Apart from that obvious flat note, the movie looks visually fantastic and even Mario himself doesn't look too bad. He'll take some getting used to, but I absolutely understand why certain visual features needed to be toned down for a greater range of emotion. (Don't know why they gave the shirt under his dungarees a collar though. That's an odd choice.) With Nintendo hyper vigilant of letting anyone mess with their golden boy after the last film disaster, there's a chance that the Nintendo axe will spur Illumination to really put effort into making this a good movie. And when they aren't being relied on to conjure up designs or world building; there becomes a chance for this to feel like a visual treat. Is this going to be the slamdunk master piece that propels a cinematic universe? No. But am I going to watch it with high, but not soaring, hopes? Absolutely. If anything my hope is that everyone around Chris cared enough to actually act. That would be nice, wouldn't it? Some acting...
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