Turning over in their Tomb
Have we been bad? Did some archaeologist somewhere knock over some ancient totem to a long forgotten god, invoking the wrath of ceaseless bad adaptations until the end of time? Because that alone is the only way I can rationalise the sheer amount of news we've had covering video game franchises that just can't be happy staying as video games. Resident Evil? Awful, scrap it. Halo? Even worse, burn that show with a bloody fire. Last of Us? These shows are getting on the last of my nerves. As least the Tomb Raider ganes have a history in movies, for some reason. In fact, it's actually been quite some time since the last time we got one of those movies. Isn't Alicia Vikander supposed to pop up in a sequel around about this... oh, seems the DC bug has been catching and now the series has been prematurely cancelled. So we're looking at another potential reboot? Just. Stop!
I know that the Angelina Jolie Tomb Raider Movies hold a very special place in some people's heart as the very first video games movies that weren't total ass. In fact, her Tomb Raider really ended up giving more personality to the decently blank slate of Lara Croft which ended up rubbing off on her video game character. It wasn't whole heaps of diverse characterisations, don't get me wrong; but it was suitably fitting for what a video game protagonist should be around that time. Sassy, adventurous and over the top. In many ways Angelina Jolie's movies are some of the most faithful video game adaptations ever made. Does that mean they're good movies? Lord no, I can't stand the things. They're a total bizarre mishmash of smashed together plot points offset by action setpeices that linger just that tiny bit too long and the obligatory terrible effect shot near the climax. Forgettable garbage.
But then, I am saying that as someone who played the original Tomb Raider franchise first when he was too young to really like it and later when he was too old to take it seriously. Honestly, when I was a kid playing that original with my dad we spent a whole week trying to find a missing cog to fit a wheel only to discover it was laying on the ground in the same texture as the floor. (A story my dad never fails to bring up whenever I mention Tomb Raider) And when I was an adult playing the game I couldn't help but marvel at all the unexplainable oddities, like how Lara is donning her iconic short shorts from the very opening moments of the game, despite the fact that those opening moments take place at the top of a snowy Himalayan mountain. That's how you lose your legs to frostbite, Lara, maybe try on some proper trousers next time.
However little respect I had for Lara before her reboot was totally offset once that reboot happened and I ended up being faced with an adventure series I was really drawn to. The remade Lara had a vulnerability to her that I found relatable and a self-discovery journey that I seriously enjoyed following her on. Not to mention the gameplay was great and the environments were excellent. The series seemed to just get better with the sequel and the end of the origin trilogy, whilst plodding, is one of the most beautiful games of it's generation. That was a great example of a Lara updated to fit in the modern age pantheon of characters, both respecting her origins and updating her. And so when the idea came to reboot the movie franchise, I actually think it made a lot of sense to lean towards those games' vision of Lara.
And that is exactly what they did. Way too much. Alicia Vikander's reboot Tomb Raider pretty much just piece-meals together a narrative from the two currently released Square Enix games at the time in order to try and speed-run both their stories with about a fraction of the personal investment, stakes and narrative awareness. Sure, maybe Trinity could have been introduced earlier in the game's narratives, but they weren't because Crystal Dynamic's games knew how to hyper-focus themselves in the necessary narrative beats they needed to tell so that they could do them justice. The first game was about becoming the survivor Lara, the second was about revealing the big bad in Trinity, and the third was about facing down Trinity and becoming that legendary hero character from the old games. (As clumsy as the third's beats were.) I don't think the movie, on the otherhand, had any real idea what it wanted to do or where it was going.
Which is not to say that the movie suffered from every angle of it's production. I think the performances were fine and cast was alright. Alicia did her job and she got paid, which is about as much as I can say about that. But these were supposed to be shakey baby steps that are foundational towards the future. Some necessary stumbles in the now so that tomorrow you can proudly bound forth with purpose. Except that MGM bungled it. They had the figurative golden goose of a franchise that has already once proved it's silver screen viability and profitability, and they just forgot to make a sequel. They ummed and ahhed and twisted their hair on a potential follow up for so damn long that the rights ended up defaulting not long after Square sold off the franchise, meaning that the movie rights now lay in the hands of some amorphous conglomerate known as Embracer Group; and who can say what a distopian-ly named business like that is going to do with it?
One thing is for certain; this means that Alicia's Lara Croft tenure is prematurely up, which is a bit of a shame because she really did seem invested in the role. At least a little bit. And this really could have been her action vehicle to stardom as it was for AJ; at least partially. (I can't actually say how Mrs Jolie became famous. It's like she just appeared out of a worm-hole, pre-famous.) I do feel a bit bad for her that everything has gone down the drain through no fault of her own, it's really epitomic of the chaos that is modern Hollywood; so desperate to nail that unshakable god-project that they end up totally losing sight of what they have before them in the moment. Like a potentially blockbuster series if only they put in the effort. I know the first movie wasn't as big of a success as they wanted; but giving up after you yourself never really tried to begin with is hardly good form, now is it?
But on turns the wheel and the mill churns ever more, because the profitability potential of this franchise mandates we see a new Lara take the reigns at some point. Yet another actress will don the iconic tank top only this time without the guiding hand of a fresh new reboot franchise to steal ideas from, which will either be a recipe for disaster or the opportunity for creative genius depending on which way the wind is blowing. I just pray that Embracer doesn't go the route of violence and pimp off the rights to Netflix; the last thing Tomb Raider needs is for it's resting place to be pillaged by a embarrassing philandering of it's freshly laid corpse stretched over a 9-part season arc with a new Lara who never leaves her estate and instead spends all day drawing Helluva Boss lewds of Loona x Moxxie. (If you don't know what that means, bask in your innocence and don't sully yourself.)
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