I was wilting over here, you know. Melting into a cesspit of my own mediocrity and boredom. No, not just because of this pandemic and the chaos it's wrought on our daily lives, truth be told I've been healthier these months indoors over my times outside them, no my malady was much deeper seeded than that. There's just been nothing going on. Or to be more precise, nothing surprising going on. Even when the Covid cases started hitting I felt more "Yeah, that sounds about right given everything else that's happened this year." And whilst the world of gaming has kept itself moving through all this, it's almost as though the rest of the world has frozen still. That curse was somewhat broken just this past week when Epic threw it's gauntlet at fellow dirt-bag company Apple in some heroic battle against commission prices. Talk about giving me what I didn't know I needed!
Now I have a reason to pay attention to the news once again, and care about the happenings of real life outside of my digital escapism. Two greedy gluttons are slugging it out in the parking lot and I'm hear for every second of it, there is quite literally nothing else in the world right now that I'm more invested in. Do I honestly care about the extortionate way that Apple go about wringing it's app developers of commissions? Not really. I don't even own any Apple products, never have. Am I really rooting for plucky Epic Games to break the glass ceiling and change the phone app market forever, no and I never did support Epic. But if these idiots are willing to rip chunks out of each other I will holler like a howler monkey in excitement. And if you think that little metaphor there is a little heavy handed or melodramatic, just wait until you hear the latest developments/ new ultimatums, which Apple has levied at Tim Sweeney's door.
You see, Epic have very much positioned themselves in the role of the selfless freedom fighters, campaigning for the rights of everyone who uses the Appstore, but in reality they're just petulant whiners who purposefully broke the rules so they'd have an excuse to leverage the legal system against Apple. Does the ends justify the means, that's a question for your own time, but don't you fall for Epic's 'wounded hero' act, this was a movement born from that most selfish of emotions; greed. And if you don't yet believe that, then try this on for size. Apple were already aware of Epic's desire to break free from their commission model prior to the brazen circumvention tactics they implemented, starting this whole mess. How did they know this, you ask? Is Tim Cook prescient? Perhaps, but the heart of this matter is far more mundane. You see, in the filing against this lawsuit Apple has let a great many related documents fall into public domain, including recordings of correspondence between Apple and Epic where the game developer begged for exemption from the commission. Not abolition; exemption.
Now, of course, this probably wasn't an offer made with any serious intent in mind; this was likely just an establishment of a recordable dialogue so that it can paraded in front of the court and Epic can weave a sob story about how 'unreasonable' and 'closed to ideas' Apple is. They even went so far as to wind Tim Sweeney, Epic's CEO, into the correspondence to make it look like they really gave it all. Maybe there was a hail mary chance in hell that Apple would respond 'Wow, no one's ever asked for exemption before. Just for that, no more commission on Fortnite; and I crown you, king of Apple!' It was only after being tuned down that the narrative changed to bringing down the commission for everyone, but isn't it telling that Epic started this whole affair with themselves in the forefront of their concerns. They could have just, I dunno, go around the big App developers for the Apple store and got a petition written up to set this off, but they wanted the more personal touch, I suppose. How suitably 'Epic' of you, Tim.
But Apple went one step further than just tattling on Epic, oh for you see they've got a murder technique of their own. Ol' Tim Cook's been winding up his Divine Sandstorm for a while now and he's ready to let it loose on Sweeney at practically any moment. They were very blunt at first; Epic broke the rules and now they are in the time-out corner. This can all be over and normal relations can start the second that Epic bites the bullet and retracts their position like a coward. (And kiss the ring, obviously.) But then they slipped into threats, as Apple causally let it slip that if all this nonsense isn't dropped promptly (too prompt, in fact, for this matter to ever see the light of a courtroom) then Apple will suspend Epic's working relationship. Fair enough. Except, apparently that would ban all software that makes use of Epic's property from appearing on the Apple App store. Okay then, so how bad can that be? Well, ladies and gentleman, I hate reminding even myself of it, but Epic are the folk who created and license the Unreal engine. Oh man.
If you somehow didn't know, the Unreal Engine is perhaps one of the most used engines in all of the gaming industry, second only, perhaps, to Unity. (Which Apple has a very good working relationship with.) So yeah, banning Unreal is like taking a nuke to deal with a mole-hill, Apple want to make it very clear in this game of chicken that they have the biggest wheels. A straight-up ban on unreal would hurt countless App developers revenue and they would have no one to blame but the greedy company who kicked the hornet's nest to begin with, shattering Epic's working relationship. Honestly, this is an incredibly dirty move on Apple's part, and Epic's rightly trying to get the courts to forbid this before the deadline. (And I have to say, this really doesn't help Apple with the whole 'tyrannical dictator' angle which Epic is trying paint right now.) I just wanted a fair ballgame, and this underhanded little legswipe has even me calling for the Ref. See what you've done, Apple, you've got me siding with Epi- Urg, I just threw up over my keyboard in attempting to type that unholy sentence. For shame, Tim. For shame. (That's aimed at the Cook, not the Sween)
If Epic aren't able to get in the way of this death move headed their way then they'll have no choice but to step down and reveal just how self serving this whole 'Crusade against the app-store' ultimately was. Although, one has to really wonder about this 'mutually assured destruction' stance that Apple seems to be taking. Are they really under no threat at all of hurting their own consumer base by wantonly killing half their apps? I know who has more to loose in this stand off, and I'm sure Epic are in no delusions to that either, but are Apple really willing to saw off a forearm just to prove a point? I wonder. I really do wonder about the company that was too scared to air a biopic on Dr Dre's life that they themselves commissioned. (Okay, maybe that was more stupidity on the part of their smooth-brained CEO, but I think you get my point.)
To think that this is the sort of fallout raining down in the preliminaries, before anyone has even seen a courtroom, is wild to think about, and I just can't wait to see where this Anime fight leads us next. Will there be gladiatorial chariots? Is Apple going to enter the Avatar state? How far does Tim Sweeney need to be pushed before he "Reject(s) my Humanity!" and throws on the stone mask? And who's theme is going to start playing at the eleventh hour when all the chips are down? As you can likely pick up, I am freakin' enthralled by all these goings ons, and I loathe the lethargy of the court system which'll likely mean it'll take months for juicy court details to hit my hungry lips. (It's infuriating.) But when that day does come, when il Vento D'oro starts jamming out and we all become acutely aware that proceedings have started, you can bet I'll be there with my popcorn and coke, ready to eat it up!
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