100 Blogs in.

Next milestone at a thousand million. Wait, is that a billion?

Would you believe it, this is my hundredth post. That's right, I've made 99 other posts that all boil down to little more than inane ramblings about a world I know and love, the world of gaming. (Or 98, considering the very first post was just me setting the stage so-to-speak.) That means that I have officially been doing this for at least 3 full months without missing a day, (We'll see how long that keeps up...) and that is about 2 months and 3 weeks longer than I expected to be doing this. A couple of weeks back I saw this milestone impending and decided to hold a little state-of-the-blog, for my own sanity as much as for any actual record's sake. Plus, this means I get to write a little diary-esque entry, which is fun considering the fact that I've never been good at keeping a diary. (I figure that if I wait for every power of 10 to write my next diary entry, I should be safe to think up another one for at least the next 4 years.) WARNING: This blog is entirely just me talking about myself and nothing of value is to be gleaned here. Please move along.

First off, let me start by saying that I am very appreciative for the cathartic effect that writing this blog has had on me. For the past year before I had started this blog, I was undergoing the natural shedding of contacts that happens to some people once they leave full-time education. As I possess something of an abrasive personality, (Which you may have picked up on.) no one wanted to put up with me longer than they physically had to and so I found myself completely devoid of people to talk to practically the second that I entered what is known as 'Adulthood'. On the surface, this would fit my person fine, as beneath my British snark I am, and always will be, shy. But soon you find yourself grow increasingly lonely as you realize that you have less and less people to relate to.

Most of my peers had quickly moved on to the things that they were doing, and the rest just drifted away from me. (Sometime pointedly.) It hurts to lose people that you consider to be friends, but that is the natural progression of life so there's no point bemoaning it all. Even my own family (I come from a particularly large extended family.) never seemed to enjoy my company for any longer than they had to. At the last family barbeque I went to, I was literally the only person sitting around the grill for a good 2 hours, and the second I moved to visit the toilet everyone else seized my spot like a pack of vultures. (I would have been okay if they just asked me to move.) To be fair to them, everyone else in my family is at a different part of their lives to me and so I don't blame them for avoiding talking to me, I just wish it they were more amicable about it.

Even those that I used to be somewhat close to, like my (admittedly older) cousins, have moved on to semi-successful careers and even started getting married and having children. I vividly recall, during one of their weddings, I found myself standing next to my taller cousin (the one who wasn't getting married) after having tapped myself out of the dancing. (I am an unstoppable force on the dance floor and nothing save for abject exhaustion, will quell my dancing wrath.) He must have felt awkward standing there in silence, so he offered my what, in hindsight, probably amounted to 'wedding small talk' in his mind. He joked about how the next time we all got together like this would likely be for my wedding, and it really struck a cord for me in just how distant we were to each other. Here was a man who had a steady job, a stable relationship and would soon have a daughter along the way; whilst I was a kid fresh out of Sixth form, who couldn't even secure an interview to save his life. (Still can't, by-the-by, 2 years later.) It made me realize just how lonely I felt with having literally no in the world who I could talk to on a peer-to-peer level.

This was one of the factors that led me falling into a depression around the time of my first actual job. "Wait a minute, I thought you couldn't get interviews." and I can't, this job was attained through the virtue of nepotism. (My Aunt was a manager.) I've mentioned this job in passing before and how poorly it was run and managed. (By the head manager, that is. My Aunt did a fine job.) That may seem a little rich for me to say with my limited experience, but work in any job that averages a two-week turnover and some things are just plain for anyone to see. I spent most of my time afraid to lose my job whilst the boss woman, may she burn in H-E-double-hockey-sticks for all of eternity, reminded me each and every day how close she was to firing me. (For 3 goddamn months.) Needless to say, I quit the day I realized that, if I stayed there, I would end up jamming a pencil through her eye, and that was the first positive decision that I made as an adult.

If there was ever an experience to dissolve your self worth, try that, alongside being turned down for every job since without so much as a face-to-face interview. Again, having no one to talk to meant that it wasn't long before I was consumed by my depression. (although, believe it or not, It was actually worse when I was still working for that company.) I can't remember much about that time, as much of those days just blurred into one; all I remember is feeling tired everyday from dawn to dusk. I was tired of being worthless, friendless and futureless and was never a few aberrant thoughts away from thinking about how I could just end it all. I couldn't speak for whether or not I would ever choose to act on such inclinations, I truly don't know; but merely having those thoughts scared me into searching for something to fill my time with.

Video games have always been a huge part of my life (A sentence that I've written so much I think my fingers shadow-type it in my sleep) but during these months they were essential to me, as they were my only method of breaking up the monotony of the day to day. I won't bore you with the specifics and details regarding my 'situation' around this time, but let's just say that my hands were pretty much tied when it came to moving forward with my life in any meaningful way. In many ways, I'm still at that stagnant stage in my life with one huge exception, now I have this blog.

Some three months back I happened across Blogspot on a YouTube video I saw and remembered my Father, whilst trying to get me to stop talking to him, telling me to write about the topics I want to discuss on a blogging space. For whatever reason I decided to just go for it, (in hindsight that was really unlike me to share myself like that, I wonder what came over me?) and I found a forum in which I could speak to someone who truly listened to whatever crap I felt the urge to talk about; no one whatsoever. That may sound facetious, but I'm being serious about this; talking to myself through these blogs (Much as I'm doing now.) has really helped me overcome the rut of nothingness that used to rule my existence. (Oh god, that sounds so narcissistic. Ah well, I guess I've always been a bit of a narcissist.)

Everyday since I find myself unable to find any comfort out of daily routine unless I have penned a blog at least once that day. Somedays I find myself expanding on my horizons, promising to research into a topic for a few days (or weeks) to ensure that my blog on the topic is as informed as possible. (Such as with my Star Citizen and Transhumanism blogs.) All of this has collated to form some sort of purpose for me to continue what I'm doing and, most importantly, to get up in morning. Without this blog, I'm not sure if I would still have the motivation to even do that everyday.

Which isn't to say that I intend to continue this forever. Indeed, I have a long history of disappointing myself and others, so I'm astounded that I've managed to maintain the blog flawlessly for this long. I cannot speak to the quality of my posts and or writing, but I am happy with each and every blog I upload, (at least at some point in time, that is.) so that's all that matters.  With that being said, I don't know how much longer I'll be able to keep this going or even want to. Perhaps I'm only sticking with this because I'm still in the 'this is new' phrase, and the second I become used to it I'll drop it and sink back into despondency. Who knows? All I can hope to do until then is to keep going and see if the skills I build here (In writing) can be transferred upon the real world at some point.

The more I write, the more I feel it sounds weird to claim that the act of writing this blog is like having a confidant, even when no one reads it, but I feel the enjoyment comes from the writing itself. Some of my favourite blogs to write have been the Hitman series, (Understandable seeing as how I've done so many of them.) as it allows me to revisit and analyze aspects of the medium that I love so much, gaming. The themed 'list-blogs' are the most gruelling to write, as they require me to look into info about several different games; and the long form researched blogs are obviously the most intimidating. By soldiering through them all, I feel a sense of accomplishment that I haven't felt since my days at school, and perhaps just feeling that is enough to make me feel the security that I felt back then.

What I'm trying to convey is, don't expect me to keep this up forever. Maintaining things for 3 months alone is amazing and I already feel like I'm hitting the milestones that I set out for myself. When I started, I wanted to expand upon my writing craft to such a degree that I could write as much as Hunter S.Thompson could in one day without becoming irritated and deleting everything. (Although, the comparison may be a little unfair as Hunter Thompson was an incredibly celebrated journalist with several incredibly creative and/or well written books to his name. Plus he was on every drug in existence for most of his life.) It wouldn't be until my first review (or lateview) last week, wherein I found myself spending the entire day feverishly writing like a madman. At one point I thought that I was going to have to go through my blogs to see which was the longest and most in-detail one that I had written, that was before last week when I wrote 60 paragraphs on Shadow of War in one day. (I both impress and scare myself.)

I'm not sure whether or not my next 'off the cuff' blog will be on Christmas or my Birthday. (10 days after Cyberpunk, ya'll) Or, even, if I'll still have this blog when either of those two milestones land. I could drop off the face of the earth tomorrow, for all I know, so I can't make any promises in regard to this blog. (Only That I have already started to work on my Birthday blog. Yay me.) If I stop posting, I want you to know that it is likely either due to me having found a good job that I'm passionate about, (pfft, unlikely.) or me just growing tired with this whole thing and moving on with my life. Or maybe I'll just wake up on the wrong side of the bed and decide to off myself. I'm really in a weird place of my life and psyche right now. Whatever happens, thanks for sticking by me, me, and I hope you find some guidance or direction to your existence, whatever that may be.

P.S. I know that if I reread through this, I'm just going to end up deleting it all, so I'm choosing to just upload it as is. If that means there are grammar mistakes then, so be it. Plus, this is my blog. You should be used to this stuff by now.