Space Marine II

 Blood for the blood god?

You don't always need that personal, intrinsic, connection to the source material in order to feel that crescendo in excitement around a new announcement. You just have to endure the endless references, the unsolicited loving call backs, the recommendations every other day. Not that I bemoan it all, that just shows someone out there really loves what they're talking about and if this property has fans that into it, then I can only assume it's worth at least a bit of the fuss. But then there's always that level of subdued fandom around Warhammer in particular, for which if a fan observes the slightest whiff of this topic they'll go on for hours, but they'll never go into their love unprompted. Perhaps that makes them one of the more polite nerd fandoms out there, but for me that made it hard to worm out what exactly it is that makes this universe so darn great. I want to join in on all the excitement guys; why won't you help me? Games, however, cannot by the very nature be quiet niche little projects going on in the corner out of my earshot; so I've made sure I'm receptive to hear all about this.

Warhammer has had something of a tumultuous history when it comes to adaptations from the tabletop to video games, or even decent support for the breadth of the tabletop source. Or rather, Warhammer 40k has those definers. Warhammer Fantasy was apparently so underloved that the owners, Game Workshop, turned around and rebooted that entire franchise. I don't even know how that works for a tabletop game! I mean, Wizards of the Coast don't even bother to wait until a new edition before making odd changes like subtly removing all references to evil races enslaving others for some quiet reason they refuse to clearly state. But Warhammer Fantasy must have been beyond saving if it needed a whole 'Age of Sigmar' resurrection. 40k, however, has been alive and kicking for a while now, but not quite always as 'lively' as some fans it to be. I may not be a fan myself but even I hear mumbles of certain factions going totally underrepresented, popular ignored corners of the lore and, most pertinently, a licence which is rented out more than the village bike.

For 40k alone there are VR Games, lane defence games, a virtual snakes-and-ladders style game, twin sticks, 2D side scrollers, a card game, an FPS looter-style game and 4X strategy titles out the arse- including one made by... Steel Wool Studios? ("Great going, Supersh*t. How'd ya f**k that one up so badly?") And this diversity is by no means part of some far-reaching unified mastermind plan for the franchise, it's the result of everyone and their mother being given a go at the franchise. Including mobile makers. Because nothing says "We respect our brand" like letting the leeches on mobile sink their claws into it. (I see that Game Workshop apprenticed under EA in the school for 'How to grow your brand as quickly and unscrupulously as possible'.) But with the scattergun spray of misses, the 'throw everything at the wall approach' did land a few significant successes; the famous Dawn of War series for one, and the less-famous-unless-you're-in-the-right-circles: Space Marine.

Now the original was a game about being a Space Marine, very straightforward, but the visceral, in-your-face, and exciting way that Relic realised that concept stood out from the crowd for a lot of fans. And that's because it was an adrenaline-fuelled third-person action game which sent players out with their Chainswords and machines guns to rip and tear through enemies in bloody dances of well-animated ultraviolence. Even just watching some snippets of gameplay it's very easy to see why a game like this would do so well for a franchise frequently dominated by more off-hand strategy style games. Sure, ordering a marine to slay a unit of Orks and watching them mop up the scene from the your detached, sky-high vantage point is just fine, but taking control of the man in blue, emblazoned, power armour and driving the response of each powerful swing with each satisfying press of a key is a whole other world entirely. And Relic must have pulled it off well for the amount of reverence that original regularly receives.

Of course, it only makes sense that Game Workshop would commission a sequel- 10 years later. (Was the original a commercial flop or something? What the hell?) And that exact sequel set off fireworks with it's debut during the game awards, even if what we saw contained just the slightest sliver of real, glorious, action. (A little bit of gameplay is better than none at all, afterall.) Even from an outsider I have to admit, seeing the Power Armoured Space Marines drop into a battlefield and carve their bloody path, even in a CG trailer, made for some striking visuals, and the trailer itself was exceptionally animated. If this is the sort of effort which is going into just the showmanship of presenting the game than it makes one wonder for what calibre of surprises that are being kept behind for the full game, waiting to blow fans away. (You've got to have some huge, impressive set pieces tucked away if you want to drum up hype in this day and age.)

Saber Interactive are the guys behind this one, and if that name rings a slight bell in the vast recess of your recollection only to go dead the moment you go and look, that's likely because they were responsible for the flash-in-the-pan World War Z game. Although according to what I can find on the Internet, it would appear they have an insanely eclectic history of helping out in other game franchises from Vampyr and the Ghostbusters Video game to Crysis and Halo. So don't let that one commercial flop fool you, these guys have experience and enduring talent behind their walls; no doubt. They may not be the original developers, but if you want to give the sequel to what is considered one of the best Warhammer games of all time to anyone, it's going to be someone which the sort of resume that Saber has. That doesn't make any guarantee, but it certainly tips the odds in the game's favour.

And the public seems to have heartedly accepted what they've seen thusfar, and it's not hard to see why. The gameplay shown off so far is about substantive enough to fit inside of a thimble, but it's all incredibly striking. Watching the player bat off swarming creatures like he's recreating the front cover of DOOM has an insane amount of movement all on the same screen at once, that one slightly lingering shot of the wider battle is buzzing with small loving details filling a huge portrait of indomitable scale, and there appears to be a jetpack. Not enough games out there have jetpacks, which makes me want them all the more whenever and wherever I see them. Even 'Warhammer-Community.Com' is confidant enough in the game as it is so far to call it 'More epic than it's predecessor in everyway'; which is quite the challenge when you acknowledge the insane reverence that predecessor still receives. I hope that confidence pays off for them.

As you've likely picked up from the way I'm talking about this, I would love to get into this sort of universe and it's games like these, rather than the hugely complex RTS 4X games, (I was always bad at RTS anyway, to be frank) which provide that open window. And when these games are fitted with this almost AAA gleam to them, that reflects very highly on the strength of the brand behind it. Does this mean that I'll someday get to a point where those terribly awkward 40K Youtube comedy skits I sometimes come across does anything other than make me cringe out of my skin? Probably not, you have to be reborn into the fandom to become that invested, but maybe once I've delved into this game and maybe given Dawn of War another shot (I know I'll need to) I'll be able to watch 'Astartes' again and appreciate it for more than just the outstanding animation and modelling work. So there's evidence of real time perspective conversion before your very eyes, proof of the transformative power of a damn good game announcement.

The Evil Dead

Groovy

 All the way back in 1981, then amateur director Sam Raimi would drive into the woods with a few friends a handful of actors and some recording equipment and they came back with footage that would make them immortal. For such a humble beginning, the Evil Dead franchise really has gone to shape the horror genre substantially in its time, helping to totally evolve the melodious, often slow, pace of those terrible hauntings into something punchier and more commanding. It changed how gore was looked at in movies like this, and in doing so was influential in changing views on movie gore in general for at that point it was still all very taboo. I think it's safe to say, then, that the current climate of Horror movies that we endure in today's world (largely repetitive trite) is likely, at least to some degree, due to their influential trendsetting. As such it's probably The Evil Dead's due to pay horror fans a little reparation work, no? The TV show was fun, but how about us Horror gamers who were affected by proxy due to how Hollywood horror influenced Video game horror? Hmm? We're getting a game Evil Dead too? That'll do for starters...

Horror is one of the most oversaturated markets of games out there right now, because everybody and their mother thinks that making a horror game is the easiest in to the video game world. And to be honest they're all absolutely right, because making a Horror experience can be a great way to develop skills of setting atmosphere and influencing the audience, without having to worry about developed and satisfying gameplay loops. But the consequence of this horror deluge is that the genre does sort of lose it's lustre on the modern stage and one can even come to question whether gaming horror is a thriving genre at all, or merely one that flounders the most as it drowns in a sea of it's own waste. The Evil Dead game which rocked up in full force at the Summer Games Fest certainly holds it's horror associations loosely, but the name alone ties them back into this market; thus I wonder how well it might do, especially in a market which (unfortunately) largely doesn't seem to remember it's name at all. I suppose that potential success will come mostly down to raw quality at this point.

When we first saw this title teased, it sort of looked like a horde-mode survival game made on the cheap that was looking to place itself as a small fun party game like 'Friday the 13th: The Game' did. Just a little fun adventure full of violent murdering with a tad of asymmetric multiplayer thrown in there for prosperities sake if you're really lucky. Now given it's full gameplay reveal, in a trailer narrated by the legendary Bruce Campbell himself, that is pretty much what we're looking at except I'm surprised to note that whatever studio is working on this project really managed to get their development dollars to work for them. I mean the animations look clean, the models are great and, though this is just my impression from having observed the thing, it looks like a supremely robust experience; maybe even a fun one. Then again I suppose this wasn't a Kickstarter affair, so some party really did have the money and confidence to make this thing real.

So who are they? The mysterious developers who jumped aboard a movie licence project in the modern age with investors? You may think that sounds like a boring query, but I'm actually super curious considering how vehemently such projects have been rejected by the industry over the years making them almost always cursed ventures for both developers and Hollywood to embark on. If someone is looking to single-handily bring back movie licence gaming I want to see their face. Well on publishing you have 'Boss Team games', who I mistakenly first mistook for 'Boss key games' and nearly had a heart attack. (I thought you were dead!) No, Boss Team are responsible for a Cobra Kai mobile game too, so they're new to this world of licencing. No, it's Saber Interactive who are the brawn behind this decent looking game.

Saber have been alive since 2001 and have the lucky privilege  to be have gotten involved with and helped develop some of the most impressive titles it's possible to have on a resume. They helped 343 Industries create the remastered version of 'Halo: Combat Evolved', handled the remaster of the ever popular Ghosterbusters video game, worked on the remaster for Crysis (You know, the one that came out just a year before the upcoming remake was announced) and are working both on a Switch port for Kingdom's Come Deliverance and the Next gen version of the Witcher 3: Wild Hunt. So these are no fresh faced fellows, completely new to this field; the know what they're doing. Oh and to slide into that 'licenced game' niche; they were also the team behind the impressive looking World War Z video game which I always felt like never got the long-term due it was deserved. (I guess Left 4 Dead style gameplay only works for the masses in first person or something...)

So now everything the trailers have shown off makes a little more sense, this is a game made by folk with the experience and resources to make it as good as they're saying it looks. (could this be one of those mythical 'honest trailers' that the prophecy spoke of?) And it would have to be considering that what The Evil Dead is going for is perhaps the perfect trifecta of multiplayer titles like this so they're not going to be short of competition. 4 Players, wave survival, Asymmetric elements. (It's not exactly the most unique ingredients in the kitchen) As such I think this is a game that's going to have to rely on the strength of the Evil Dead franchise it has behind it and the heart of the movies that such imbues. Or rather, the heart of the movies after the mid-point of Evil Dead 2, as before that the franchise was trying to be scary and from then on it evolved to a sort of self-aware creepy action silliness which makes this series stand out like no other. Now conceptually that does create a bit of a catch 22 when that franchise needs a great game to stand up on, but the team seem confident the formula will work itself out and I defer to their, hopefully more researched, opinion.

From the trailers we've seen that the game will take from the 'Ash vs The Evil Dead' TV show, both for characters and in the rendering of the main Ash himself. That of course means the return of the iconic Chainsaw hand, shotgun combo with the blue shirt and brown pants that at this point I'm starting to believe Ash has never taken off. But we're also seeing some of the supporting cast from that show and I think, although we only get to see some of these characters from the back so it's hard to say for certain, a few of the original cabin members from the 1981 movie. Including elements from that does go a way to making this a celebration of the franchise that is just going to drawn in fans like a mothlamp, that and the fact the original cabin is going to be a battlegrounds on which to fight off the demon spawn. Bruce teased multiple locations, but apparently that's something the team want to keep dubious for the moment. (I'm hoping for an appearance from the S-Mart store from the show)

The big reveal for this gameplay, in my mind, was the aforementioned asymmetry, which could be the extra spice to really give this game a little much-needed staying power as long as they don't do a Dying Light and lock that feature behind a preorder DLC. (people love killing their friends, don't charge them extra to do so.) It looks as though there will certainly be AI enemies to keep players busy so it's not going to be a case of split lobbies where you can never find a full team because everyone wants to play the monsters. (One of the things that killed 'Evolve') From what we've seen, the variety available to 'demon players' has the promise to be actually impressive, with your everyday Deadites being playable alongside that creepy teleporting Eligos Demon from the show whom I always thought had a fantastic, almost Doom-esque, design to him. Keep pulling from the sources like that and Saber Interactive may not have a ceaseless font of content or anything, but they'll be enough to build a solid foundation that may just pay for itself.

Four player multiplayer chaos seems like the obvious choice for The Evil Dead, even if it's not exactly what I would have done with the storied franchise. It's been over 10 years since anyone tried an original story for the Evil Dead games we've seen over the decades, and maybe that'll have a stronger effect on the masses. Removing my love for the franchise and approaching it from the viewpoint of someone who knows nothing about it, I can understand people looking at this and thinking it's cool but not seeing anything exactly special, and that feels like a huge loss when there could be a truly brilliant darkly comedic horror single player title hiding in the DNA here somewhere, Maybe Saber Interactive aren't the ones to bring that out, and given their history of games that wouldn't exactly be their wheelhouse anyway, but maybe a little renewed franchise interest after this would open up the way for someone a little more creatively ambitious. But I'm courting hypotheticals again, for the present we have a solid looking survival game with a badass leadman on the front cover and that's all I'm asking for. 

ASH IS BACK! Evil Dead: The Game

 I ain't that good

There was a moment during the Video Game Awards where the virtual room I was watching with got quiet, it was one of those scenes of contemplation as the entire group tried to decide if the trailer they were watching was something new or something that they should know. Thus I felt special, if also lonely, to note that I could tell what it was straight away. (At least for the most part) I immediately recognised that voice, those intonations, the words he was speaking; even just the mention of staying at a cabin with his friends was sufficient to spell it out for me. Because at long last this was it, the thing that we had all been waiting for, what it was all about, after almost years of pouring cold water on us and telling us how very wrong that we are, Ash, or Bruce Campbell, from Evil Dead is making his way to the gore-ridden world of Mortal Kombat where he belo- what do you mean this is a standalone video game? Are you serious? We've been thrown for a loop again!?

For the love of- WHY? Someone literally has to sit down and explain this to me because I am losing my freakin' sanity here; why in all the fresh hells of this Earth has Ash not already joined the pantheon of carnage that is Mortal Kombat? He's perfectly suited for it, being a character from a Horror franchise that, as the movies went on, became increasingly renowned for it's slapstick and gory effects; he's not someone who threats about the image of his character cutting into people; (he has a literal chainsaw for an arm) and he's a damn cool movie hero that would fit right at home with all the other 80's icons that have made it into this generation's Mortal Kombat. Just look at Robocop, Spawn, Terminator, Rambo and Joker. Joker isn't even particularly violent in most depictions, he's only there because he was in Injustice! What's more, wasn't there a sort of "Red handed, gotcha" moment when we literally saw 'Evil Dead' listed as a licenced franchise in the credits of some post? Was that all lies? Someone tell me what the hell is going on here!

And to be clear, how invested I am in this makes absolutely no sense when you consider that I am generally terrible at fighting video games and have never owned a Mortal Kombat. That's true. I've played a great many, and if I were to start getting into the franchise I would absolutely start at 9 and then work my way forward, as I know it's where the story pretty much starts again, but I haven't bitten that bullet yet and honestly am unsure if and when I ever will. Yet regardless I find myself swallowed by the anticipation of Ash showing up in Mortal Kombat simply for the principal of the thing. It's come down to pride, that's how messed up the situation is. We know he's destined for the franchise, we can feel it in our very bones and the longer they deny us the more maddening it becomes. The more Bruce Campbell seems perplexed by our very assumptions the more I begin to question reality around me and descend into an existential slip stream of insanity, torn between misguided, lied to and wrong. And finally, I would love to have been lied to, because darn if I can't help but love it when a game developer tells one of the good lies. The "People are asking but I don't want to give it away so I'm going to directly shut this down" kind of lie. I'm watching you Ed Boon; come on, lie to me.

Hmm? I'm getting severely off track? Oh right, there's an actual game here isn't there... and It's based off of Evil Dead, no less. Well ain't that a twist of the screw? Evil Dead: The Game (not be confused with the 'Evil Dead' game, 'Regeneration', from 2005) appears to be a co-op action adventure title with arcade-like vibes to it, and doesn't that just fit the Evil Dead license? I mean, not too long ago the Evil Dead name was revived for 'Ash V The Evil Dead', and the show had this wonderfully tongue-in-cheek behaviour to it that I find embraces fun casual viewing. Thus is makes since that the game in turn would promote fun casual play. Now to be sure, this isn't exactly an adaptation of the show, in fact I only spotted one character from that show and Ash looks markedly younger, but I think the renewed interest that the show bought to the franchise is what allowed for this in the first place.

As for the actual gameplay, we haven't seen a great amount from the teaser provided apart from the fact that we will be privy to Ash's signature weapons; the boomstick and the chainsaw arm, of course. This will definitely be advantageous given that the enemy Deadites typically can survive a lot more punishment than your typical zombie, at least if the lore of the series is taken into account. But apart from that, it does seem like this is a simple zombie survival game with an Evil Dead skin slapped over it, I can't lie. Almost like the Treyarch COD zombie maps were all cut from their base games and stuck in their own package, (Which I would honestly be down for, if they did) only without their masterclass level design and weapon variety. All that being said, there's nothing explicitly terrible about the trailer to complain about.

The concept seems rather generic and the graphical design certainly isn't anything to write home about, but honestly, I get the sense that the biggest draw that this game currently holds is it's potential. Even though I know enough about hype to know that's not the bedrock you want to launch your title from. (It tends to invite disaster) But while we're in this unique moment of uniformed reflection, perhaps I might throw some hopeful suggestions into the aether? For one, I noticed that the team decided to tease the laughing Dear head from Evil Dead 2, and that has me thinking that maybe imamate objects might attack the player as the demons grab hold of them, or maybe even the players themselves might get possessed, as what happened in that same scene. And seeing that they're taking from the show, perhaps the, almost diablo-esque, demon designs from that show could wind their way into the game, I know I was thinking "boss fight potential" when I first saw them on screen. (Although that might just be further evidence of my gaming infected mind.)

I had a third suggestion, but by the good graces of osmosis it appears that they are already heading that way. Something that wasn't teased in the trailer, for some unexplainable reason, is the ability to actually take control of the Deadites and essentially play as the demons, allowing for PVP scenarios of zombie sieging. The idea has shades of Dying Light's invasion mechanic, only I'm hoping this one doesn't find itself being locked behind some preorder incentive. There's always a special allure to playing the villain, especially when paired against real players, although I doubt they'll be the level of duelling present in asymmetrical multiplayer games like Evolve, Resident Evil Resistance or Friday 13th. They'll be, at best, a casual back and forth with the excitement really culminating from throwing yourself on player's swords repeatedly. Maybe the less pressure-driven environment will actually be helpful for establishing a recurrent playerbase. (Or maybe the exact opposite of that will happen.)

Typically Video Game's based on properties outside of themselves are doomed for a cliff from the outset, but I have an unexplained optimism for Evil Dead. Maybe that's because I recognise the cult following behind these games and respect that fanbases dedication to these weird movies, they'll undoubtedly show up in droves to support this for it's name alone. Although I'd be remiss for saying that, as it looks now, there's nothing to really get too excited for, least we run the risk of propping up another game for it's name rather than it's ability. (Which never ends well) I'll certainly be keeping an ear out, however, because you never know what might be the next title to crawl out of the woodworks and utterly surprise you. (See! There's that accursed optimism again! I really should do something about that...)

The Mystery of World War Z's Game of the Year

Do the depths of human depravity never cease to sink!?

Did you know that there's a World War Z game? Well clearly you should, because afterall not too long ago Saber Interactive dropped their ultimate version of the game for everyone to see; 'World War Z: Game of the Year edition'. That's all the extra content, characters and campaigns all rolled into one easy-to-digest package, but that's beside the point right now- this was 'Game of the Year' guys! Don't you remember? When Geoff Keighley opened up that envelope to reveal his award winner to be... 'Control'? Oh right, maybe it was the Golden Gamestick's award. No, that went to Resident Evil 2. (Clearly their judges are gentlemen of sufficient culture.) But then, where exactly is WWZ's Game of the Year Award? Who awarded it and, more importantly, why? That is the mystery I intend to solve today, ladies and gentlefolk.

As I feel there might be a significant chance that you don't know, I'll be explicit; World War Z is a video game that was created from the same source material as the Brad Pitt movie, only this game chose not to quite forsake the 'anthological ' routes of the original. In gameplay it was essentially just a rip-off of 'Left 4 Dead' in the modern age, but seeing as how Valve had shown no interest in making one of their own; all's fair, no? Players would take part in chains of missions that would follow different survivors and their stories as they attempt to escape the Zombie hoards, often taking place all over the world and with very diverse casts for each 'chain'. Of course, there wasn't much in the way of story for this game, so the different cast for every mission-thread didn't really benefit the narrative, but it did provide a framework for slightly tweaked character archetypes which encouraged diversity in it's player base. And this was the sort of game that required a player base. Although I believe the title had offline play, it was really built with 4 player co-op in mind and that was certainly the target audience in all of their marketing.

And the game was... pretty good. It wasn't exactly the revolutionary ground-shattering game of the generation, but for a sleeper title that popped out of nowhere it was a decently good time. Around the weeks it debuted, one wouldn't be shocked to see it popping up across the Internet as a good time killer, with people enjoying it's benefits for what they were. But I feel it's safe to say that the title lacked staying power given that the wider world seemed to have forgotten it existed for several months now. But no more, evidently, as this title apparently won enough hearts and minds to secure a Game of the Year award, thus warranting the studio to stick it on their box. That is how it happened, isn't it? Because otherwise I'd have to give the rallying call of 'Shenanigans!'

Now the cynical amongst you will likely be saying something along the lines of "What's the big deal anyway?" (Presumably in the exact same angsty voice that cool kid from a 2000's high-school drama covets) "'Game of the Year' Awards are meaningless anyway. Every outlet puts out their own award list, is it so hard to believe that one gave their 'best' award to World War Z?" And, quite honestly, my answer is 'Yes. That is exceedingly hard to believe'. Now, not to insult the talented team behind World War Z (Here it comes) but no outlet in their right mind would celebrate that title over the packed year we had in 2019. In case you forgot, that year saw the release of Resident Evil 2, Death Stranding, Control, Apex Legends, Jedi Fallen Order, Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice, Outer Wilds, The Outer Worlds, Devil May Cry 5, Disco Elysium, (which I still haven't played but I hear unendingly good things about) Metro Exodus, Borderlands 3, Super Mario Maker 2, Kingdom Hearts 3, Bloodstained: Ritual of the Night, and about 30 other games you'd think about before thinking of World War Z in a list.

So what's the deal? Have World War Z's developers fabricated their Game of the Year in order to sell their re-release? Woah now, that's quite the accusation to make off the bat without any evidence! Besides, I'm sure this is a huge misunderstanding that will be resolved the second we look at the wiki- Oh wait, there's nothing there... Maybe google then- nope, all that pops up is the name of the new release. (Almost as though this was an intentional move to obfuscate the SEO...) What about the official website? Nada. Okay, I'm grasping at straws here, guys! I want to give the benefit of the doubt, I'm trying really hard to find any mention of an award show that so much as sniffed some attention towards World War Z, but I'm coming up blank. Seriously, even 'RAID: Shadow Legends' got a nomination!

Okay, so perhaps I'm being a bit presumptive about things. Maybe when the say 'Game of the Year', they don't actually mean 'GOTY' but they mean to allude to their win for another 'best of' category. (Like 'best of clickbait'...) Okay, so the big Game Awards show from last year with Geoff Keighley and the build-up? Never even mentioned the game, so that's off the table. I've never watched a Golden Joysticks award ceremony in my life but I can browse through their winners. Nothing, nothing, nothing, wait a minute... 'Days Gone' won best storytelling? In a year wherein KH3, Metro Exodus and friggin' Death Stranding released? (Death Stranding was basically all story, and intriguing, mind-bending story at that! And you gave it to the generic "Gotta find my girlfriend in the zombie apocalypse" story?! I mean I adore Sam Witwer as much as the next guy...) But that's beside the point, World War Z isn't here either. Not even once. I've popped around smaller, independent, outlets and I'm getting the same results. 0 matches, try again next time.

Needless to say, I've sunken way too many hours into this budding conspiracy and now I'm pulling at my hair. Is this what we've come to, people? Are we faking Game of the Year awards now? Is nothing sacred anymore... Now I find that as I take a look at all the different folk talking about World War Z, only the bare few are wondering the things I am, and it makes me agitated. Why aren't more people talking about the fact that a video game company, backed by gosh-darn Paramount studios, is fabricating it's own merits for phantom acclaim? It's like padding out your resume with fluff you pulled out of your ass, only perhaps even more of a waste of time. (No one's gonna give a call back anyway.) Am I literally the only person upset by this affront to the holy system of video game award ceremonies? Yes, quite honestly, yes I am.

But maybe my investigative journalism sucks, (actually, I think we can erase 'maybe' from that statement) perhaps someone from Saber interactive managed to corner some drunken lout in an alleyway and trade his inebriated signature for the price of a lager, I just wish this transaction had a virtual footprint so I can stop tearing my hair out! Even as a sad, pathetic man writing in the dark at '04:00 am' with no talent, friends or redeeming characteristics whatsoever, I still feel belittled by this company in a deeply personal manner. As such, I offer this own deadly ultimatum to whichever member of Saber Interactive is man-enough to stand up for the honour of their company and game; beat me in a Deprived speedrun of Dark Souls and I'll make a full apology, tail between my legs. Your next line is "That doesn't sound too hard", but let me assure you; I may have literally never tried to speedrun a Dark Souls game before (or any game for that matter) but I'm bored and willing to give it a shot. The ball's in your court, Saber...