The Problem with Rebel Moon

 

I know, I know "Stay in your lane" and all that, but by god can I not shake the absolute train wreck that was 'Rebel Moon' from my mind even if I try! A genuine disaster piece of modern cinema wasting untold millions of development funds into a boring, uncreative exercise in futility that served only to show further that Zack Snyder might not be so much a film artist as he is an artist of confidence. But I can't get it out of my head. Why? Not because of it's underlying passion or deep-seated quality: but because with everything the film had going for it there should have been more. I don't know if I'd even go so far as to say that the film had potential but it had soil. There was a foundation. And somewhere between the crew setting up shop and the cameras rolling- that seemed to rot and crumble into a sinking ship that no one could save.

Would you believe me if I told you that Rebel Moon has lore? Oh yeah, just like all of us incessant writers out here Zack went out of his way to try and flesh out a whole universe within which his series would consist, and beyond that being adorable it shows a drive too. I genuinely think the lore about the hearts of these void-ship looking travel barges being enslaved gods from another realm is awesome. Genuinely. And do you know what that might have assisted with? Making the world feel worth exploring. You know, if they spent any actual time divulging this information anywhere other than the bloody Rebel Moon Wikipedia page! Lore is merely idle thoughts until it makes it into the product in some way shape or form, which makes all the best parts of the Rebel Moon universe utterly ephemeral! 

And then there are the very clear inspirations for the film which, genuinely, feel like stable building blocks to create something special. Star Wars is a little played out right now and trapped within its own confines, so taking some aspect of what they made and running with it is a really good idea. Space magic, prophecy, it all sounds great. But then Rebel Moon decides to play coy with itself. It won't even tease at it's supposed fantastical elements, refusing to spark any imagination whatsoever. What about the clear Warhammer parallels? Do they lead to something? Is there a dogmatic religion of worship based around the ruler of this world? And if so, why don't I know that after two movies?

Which reminds me- how much do you think they spent on the cast? These are good actors, everywhere you have a solid name or an attention stealing face. Or rather, they would be good actors that steal scenes if they were given material that could anything but clean latrines with. I know that Zack is under the erroneous belief that he is a good writer as well as a visual director, but I think if anything should be a wakeup-up call it's hiring Anthony Hopkins and wasting him on a CGI murder robot that barely speaks. Not even one contemplative speech on the nature of existence given it's charm by Hopkins' delightfully dulcet tones? Was that beyond you, Zack? Or were you just vying for more time to squeeze in slow-mo farming?  

Now if we were to instead make this a Warhammer movie, think of everything we could have introduced to the film watching audience! Showing a truly dark fantasy sci-fi world would not only shake expectations but compete with the likes of Dune for vibe. Extolling a maximalist wet-dream of intergalactic imperialism would similarly slide neatly into Zack's talents as a stunning visual compositor, and I think the sheer brutality of a world hewn from that canon would neatly align with Snyder's own creative vices. Heck, Rebel Moon already feels like it's trying to drum up it's own diet version of the heretically devout Imperium of Man and their ever swallowing war machine. The only sacrifice would be such- the story of men standing up to the system would have to- ultimately- result in the crushing of the human spirit. Which in my mind would make a more interesting and engaging film already.

Now, let's instead imagine this as a Star Wars film. Horrible as that thought might be. Well that might actually solve some of these movies painful bloat problems. Afterall, Zack gets stuck up trying desperately to introduce this world and it's characters to use- whereas Star Wars borrows such simple to understand societal constructs that setting is almost never needed to be explained. Star Wars also comes with an inbuilt wreath of morality which serves as a clutch for intelligent debate that could have forgone some of the more overt and eye-rolling villainy that Zack had to force out of characters to ensure they were the bad guys. Simply make them Sith and all this could have been avoided. Honestly, I don't think this idea would have made for a good Star Wars movie either. Not unless there was an actual sentient Moon or something- that would slap!

And what else? Hmm... well perhaps this could have been a Seven Samurai movie. You know, like the actual inspiration for the entire story was supposed to be? A story about Seven heroes from various walks of life, most of which were washed up in some fashion, looking for a modal of redemption coming together to ultimately do good for the sake of themselves as much as the embattled town. It's a pretty character driven tale with looming purpose underlying it. Rebel Moon kind of failed to create any characters. And driving purpose. Even the villain had confusing motivations that were kind of undermined by the fact he could have just popped home to stock up on food- I assumed they couldn't make the trip but apparently they absolutely could have the entire time. Oh, and then there's the fact that they don't even manage to amass 'Seven' heroes for the final fight. Wonderful.

Rebel Moon was a trite, boring, uncreative, overfunded, overbloated, emotionless, charisma deprived, disgrace to science fiction. But by god was it entertainingly bad. In a manner I just simply know won't be fixed by the six hour supercut with all the gore and sex added back in like Synder has promised us. In fact, I'm so excited to see how even more over indulgent and dull the movie can get without an upper limit on run time! (I still remember the five minute walking montage for Justice League- my expectations are rock bottom.) At the end of the day the lesson should be thus: Stop giving Zack Snyder the chance to prove himself a fool- he's too good at it!

Rebellious Moon

 There are no do-good evil-fighters, only celestial bodies.

Hark, doth mine mortal ears deceive? Else be it true that dear Snyder, of the Zachary house, hath conjured with his labours his ownst copiee of the Star Wars? Ist true, one should be beholden to insist, how 'Rebel Moon' carries vast shades reminiscent of many a lament property within her make. Star Wars for one, Warhammer 40k for another, onest might even detect some rogue splash of Battlestar Galactica shouldst they delve some layer deeper. Truly thou hast brought the very culmination of their influence, mild and wild, unto a most potent broth. Whomst could forsee how such a concoction wouldst last in a world of forever sequels and forever franchises? What new nugget of brilliance hast the house of Zachary to offer the belated and beleaguered realm of action fiction, which ist had not before? Well hark well, friends, I hast the answer!

Boredom. That is what Zach thought our worlds of Sci-Fi were so desperately missing in his grand journey to ruin quite literally every last piece of goodwill he had amongst that ever shrinking portion of the world with their frontal cortex's mostly intact. Zach sat down and though- "Yeah, all these high flying sci-fi movies with their incredibly evocative and tangible worlds, strong and pervasive narrative themes that reflect deeply in the personalities and actions of the core cast? What a waste of effort! Effort- that could be going into exposition!" I truly believe that Snyder genuinely does not understand the point of storytelling from a basic level, and yet fell into the position of 'writer director' by basic merit of the 'fail upwards' society that the already successful enjoy over in the states.

I say this because that is the only real explanation I can stomach to explain how one takes the story of The Seven Samurai, a story told countless times in every medium, from movie to comics to books, (I'll bet there's a game or two that mimics it too) and utterly screws it up. It ain't that hard to do! We're talking a story about gathering a group of colourful characters with unique talents that come together to save a small community struggling under the boot of oppression. That's as basic as basic gets. Yet not only does the Zack manage to make this last 4 hours, but he fundamentally misses the mark on every single marker of this story that he possibly could. It is as though he set out to make a movie that purposefully mocked the very idea of a Seven Samurai setup, only he forgot the sarcasm to make it all stick.

Zack is enamoured by the spectacle of 'style'. He wants to be behind the scenes crafting this expansive and visually arresting world, whilst being in front of the charge setting up the piece for iconic scenes fuelled on the richness of that built world. It's a very specific art to master which he absolutely cannot get to grips with. All of the first movie is wasted telling us about how great and cool the various stragglers are who lump themselves with Cora (The only person who's name I remember) in her quest to find some rebels that might help them fight off 'The Imperium'. These stragglers seem to exist only as words of exposition, because in person they are drab, personality drained, occasionally barking, background clutter. No one interacts with anyone else in a way that highlights their traits or desires, it's all as sterile as a doctors ward.

Bring us in to the substance of narrative, birthing and growing characters, and you'll stump Zach blind. All he can do is write backstories that are spoken with perfect bluntness, as though reading the bio-section of your own top trump card, as within those overbloated narratives we're supposed to independently derive passions, goals, relationships, struggles and ultimately their lessons too. When the sword woman reveals that her family was killed, we see that as a perfect excuse to set up her coming to grow close with the people of the village as a surrogate. Instead, one of the kids tries to bug her with a bit of wheat once. They're best friends now, she thinks of this kid as her new son. Would you believe me if I told you that was the single most developed relationship these two movies present? Cora and her brainless boytoy are so pathetically underexplored I cannot even tell you a single character trait about either one that these characters could have been attracted to in theory, let alone what actually makes them a decent couple!

Action, Zack's one forte, is smothered under his ridiculous obsession with getting the 'trailer shot', which feels like his intention behind every scene. He's so desperate to get that one crazy moment where the hero is writhing in the midst of battle, slaying their foes whilst chaos reins around them in a highlight of their whirlwind frenzy, that this becomes every shot. Every character is launching themselves out of cover in every scene, standing right in the middle of a hail of laser fire that doesn't even land close to them, as they charge the ranks like children on a playground. You'd think our heroes were actually invisible for the way they never seem to be in actual, or even potential, danger of being shot at any time ever. They lay under the tanks, begging to be shot, and all the carnage would sail above them hitting... well... nothing actually. It's amazing how few good guys we see in any actual danger ever. I can remember maybe two or three villager deaths. We don't even see that many background extras being blasted. So what are the Imperium dunces aiming at, if not the heroes? Are they trying to off Zack in order to escape this movie? That might be it...

And can you believe I've touched on all that without even bringing up slow-mo yet? I never really thought something so trivial could be used as such a crutch for dynamic pacing- but here we are. Zack actually thinks the way you slow down a scene is by literally slowing down the footage. I know it's been memed to death but that mockery comes from a point of reason! He throws slow-mo on footage of grain being chucked around, on water being drawn out of faucets, of a man throwing a handful of dirt as he trips over, of a man jogging in the moments before a climatic jump. It seems almost insane to have to point out that such a technique is designed to highlight moments of excitement, drawing out moments and stretching that tension ever more thin before the bow snap of the payoff. He simply doesn't understand what tension is and how Slow-mo effects it. At all. And that is his one trick. He's not a one-trick pony. He is a no trick pony. Zack Snyder is an actual class clown who accidentally fell into a position of tortured regard! He is a hack.

But I will say this for the man- he is entertainingly awful. There are so many directors out there who put out movies that are frankly unwatchable, but the bare basics of movie making are not lost on the man. He can frame a great shot, construct a visually arresting scene and direct a fine looking sequence or two. The man is a cinematographer and very much should have stayed as such, but some moron told him he would make a half decent director and here we are! If only he could write just a little bit better, his movies could be a bit more memorable too. Still, Rebel Moon did manage to score the Netflix top box office awards so who knows- maybe we'll get our 'trilogy of six movies' following the world's most boringly cool-looking sci-fi series. I actually morbidly hope we do.