Stuck in an elevator with EA

 Kill me.

The year is 2023. Do you understand that? 2023 and from the very first day of the very first month some incredible how EA still manages to steam into the front of my rage centres with the ferocity of a thousand sounds. To say that I think EA is mismanaged is an understatement, to say that I disagree with their company directions on a great many topics goes without saying for most people out there; but I'm afraid to say that for me it goes even further. Though I try my hardest to avoid them like the plague to not think about it, recently I was confronted again with the how much I bitterly loathe every sinew of their being, every fibre of their fabric weave, every individual particle in their molecules. I hate- hate- hate- hate EA with a passion so fiery and pure not even the block rock mountains of Mordor could contain it. If you took my feeling towards EA and dropped them in that lava, the mountain itself would perish in reverence to it's intensity. And why- because they are consistently, unending, pathetically, inconceivably, irreconcilably, irredeemably and constantly utterly incompetent.

I feel like I haven't stressed that word enough. Incompetent! It just doesn't feel strong enough. But I fear that were I to match the inside of my heart to my outside written words then the Google eye of content moderation would swivel around on me. (I had that before in my Watch_Dogs 1 review; I sure you can probably figure out why.) Let's just say there's a very good, history based, reason why I avoid that company like the pox-struck plague. I remember the days of EA Origin where EA enslaved all of their games on an underserved marketplace to a launcher so pathetically mis designed that there was a regular issue in which the launcher, which force-started itself by default, would lock the bottom right-hand corner of your desktop screen. No matter what program you were using, if you were simply browsing Youtube or in the middle of a Steam game, the bottom corner of the screen would become completely unresponsive for unknowable reasons. Or at least, it would seem to be unknowable. Whereas in truth, it was EA's crappy launcher trying to start and hijacking your computer functions to do so. That is EA operating at it's fullest, most disruptive, functions.

But that was behind me. A lifetime ago. Since then I had moved on, uninstalled Origins and then chucked the computer that was once contaminated with it's stink in the back of the rubbish truck. Since then, Origins has become depreciated entirely, and life was so good that the world could enjoy games like Jedi Fallen Order completely free of the absolute parasitic organism of a company we endow false value to by calling it an 'entity'. Of course, this irked the pustule-ridden gremlins who 'run' EA between bouts of drunken stupors and hazy orgies. "People having fun? Playing our games? Well this absolutely cannot stand!" And so was birthed the unholy successor to EA Origins, the EA app. May god have mercy on our souls.

Now, increadibly, I have to say that the EA app is better than Origins was. But that's literally only because the App hasn't yet hijacked a forth of my computer to faff about doing nothing. (again: "Yet") But don't mistake that miniscule victory for me claiming that the EA app is good! It, moreso than any totally antiquated and unassay launcher I've seen litter the industry of late, is a total trainwreck of a system serving no greater purpose than acting as a roadblock between people who buy games and getting to play the damn things. How do I know this? Because I made the mistake of buying 'Mass Effect; Legendary Edition' and believing I would be able to play it! How utterly moronic of me to assume that my Christmas present would be anything approaching functional! What silliness must have infected my mind to believe that present fallacy? Why am I sweating? Is it hot in here? My head feels dizzy... oh, I'm seeing red...

Step 1 was me clicking play, at which point Steam popped up a warning about how it was going to install the EA app and all the blood drained from my body. Then, predictably, nothing happened. The app was installed and didn't run, which is great. You know, any other third party program that Steam needs to install typically ends with that program running itself after installation so that you can continue your play experience as seamlessly as possible. But not EA; "Mediocrity is our creed!" So I had to click play again. This time an EA window popped up, attempting to connect somewhere, only to come up short. Great, I sighed, these traditional single player RPGs are fitted with online DRM. That's so great. I'm really happy about that. Can you tell? (Apparently this is only necessary on the first launch; after that both programs can happy launch offline. Fantastic.) Oh yeah, and that hand-shake protocol failed. The window popped up, it hovered with a blank, haunted face, and then vanished from reality like the Ghost of Christmas tedium.

So of course, I had to install and run the launcher manually, since the Steam package had made a dog's dinner of that, and then launch the Steam game afterwards. You following me, still? Good, because we're just beginning! Now the Handshake window takes form and it wants me to sign in. I already automatically signed into the launcher when it opened. (I can only assume me and that program had some sort of run-in long ago in the past that was so frustrating that my mind has totally blocked it out to protect itself. The pre-registered account was already linked to my Steam and everything!) The problem here is simple; I don't know the password of the EA account on my launcher- I tried to forget it alongside everything else that terror subjected me too. Which is good, in a way; if I can't remember the password then that's probably a sign that the password been static too long and needs a change. But now I have to start that process.

So I have to navigate my way through the app which is designed with just annoying enough UI that I have trouble bringing up what I need to. There's two 'account' screens that don't appear to actually lead towards anyway to change the actual particulars of, you know, the account. And then I find it, a large widget with the prompt 'Account details'. Great- click it. And it just sends a page to open up on my web browser. So then why pretend like I can do it within the crappy app, EA? Why stick the 'web page' link within a bloody widget to begin with? It just makes me want to- screw it, I'm on the right path! So I go to the account page, hit the 'Security' tab, thumb down and my only option is 'change password'. Wait, what? You didn't put a 'recover password' button on your security page? Or anywhere within the accounts web page? I'm sorry, EA: are you new to what Websites are? Because there's a standard of design shared by literally the entire Internet, but not you!

Screw it, I'm in too deep: what now? EA directs me towards using their fancy widget directory: fine. The directory sends me right back to the account page which doesn't help me: GREAT. I have to find a direct link leading to account recovery page... and EA servers die: FANTASTIC. Go to sleep, wake up eight hours later, cry a little when I remember how I have to work with EA systems again, go through resetting password. Log into Steam app. Back to Steam, hit launch- nothing happens. There's no Handshake verification launch, no loading game. It starts to run, it stops, and nothing. I click again and again, driven not by hope but a zombie-like fascination in the way the little blue 'loading' wheel spins a bit before sputtering out and turning back into a big  'ol Harlequin Green 'Play' button. I have broken. I wanted to play a game that I loved, reimagined for the modern age, I gave EA my money to buy the damn thing, and I get frustration, and anger, and pain. And nothing else. This is my reward. This is my legacy. This is my legendary edition. You win this day, EA. I give up. You've taken my money and given me nothing for the exchange, your deepest dream as a scum-sucking, waste-spewing, disease upon the industry. But even in defeat- to the last, I grabble with thee; From Hell's heart, I stab at thee; for Hate's sake, I spit my last breath at thee...

Mass Effect is back, baby!

 Time to back to the Milky Way, when these games were still good!

After all these years finally, my favourite Bioware franchise is ba- okay maybe not my favourite, but their best space ser- okay not that either. Best modern seri- Nah, 'Dragon Age' has really outstripped them there. Why is it that we want Mass Effect back again? Okay, I'm being a little facetious, Mass Effect has been as much a beloved part of my past as it has been for a great many others, actually going some way to solidify my definition for what makes a solid Science Fantasy world. It's a setting with just enough science in it to seem kind of believable if you tilt your head and squint your eyes, an undeniably epic narrative that set's it's scope so ridiculously high that we're literally talking about the fate of the sentient galaxy and, most importantly, a whole cornucopia of really well-designed and interesting aliens to make the whole affair more interesting. (are you paying attention Starfield?) Even as I heard news of this series and tried to act all aloof and uninterested, all it literally took was that glorified teaser trailer in which new character models were shown off to win me over whole heartedly. I want me some old school Mass Effect.

But what new trailer am I talking about? Well that would be the trailer which was released on N7 day to finally reveal that which the wider gaming audience have theorised to be true for an obscenely long time now, that Bioware have been working on an all-in-one remaster pack for the Mass Effect trilogy. (Talk about the worst kept secret) Following the trend of profiting on your already released content so late that this game is going to come out solidly rooted in the next generation of consoles, 'Mass Effect Legendary Edition' proposes to do the impossible and smoosh together these three humungous games into one affordable package with all the DLC intact. (Would you believe that I still haven't played the Mass Effect 3 Citadel DLC? I actually have some reason to buy this!) Of course, there are still some finer details that we don't know regarding this pack which we can only hope the coming months will elucidate us on, like if the final game has been retrofitted in order to make it so that the multiplayer isn't heavily necessary to get the best possible ending, but I just wanna bask in the glory of the announcement right now, thank you very much.

Rather confusingly, these remasters are said to be headed our way by Spring of 2021, yet the only consoles listed currently for release are of the current Gen. (Which I think can now be considered officially 'Last Gen', no?) The team have promised there will be some targeted upgrades made for the 'next gen' consoles, but it does seem like a trick has been slightly missed in not letting newer consoles have their very own copies. It's just sort of weird for such an anticipated release to come out and then immediate expect it's audience to get on the backwards compatibility train in order to play it. (I mean, I would totally be down for it, it's just a little odd is all.) But even with that sleight blemish I have to admit that the prospect of diving into this adventure once again is more than a little tempting.

The original Mass Effect trilogy is perhaps Bioware's greatest achievement to this day, in that there's a three act epic resplendent with memorable set-piece moments, unforgettable characters, emotional highs and Aliens. Mustn't forget the Aliens. Personally I consider it the watershed moment for Western RPGs where they learnt the ways in which they could define themselves distinctly from their Japanese counterparts. There was choice and consequence, events that would bleed into multiple games and multiple endings realised through slideshows. (Oh those multiple ending slideshows, how I don't really miss you but a lot of other people out there seem to think they're really important so I'll pretend I care too.) I genuinely do believe that every significant Western RPG that has launched since Bioware's first renaissance owes something in it's inception to Mass Effect and Dragon Age; they're an immutable part of gaming history now.

Personally I've always held these games very close to my old ticker. I was first introduced to the franchise through an article in a gaming magazine which remarked in the complexity of the lore, and that was enough to get me interested. (Games back then were almost insultingly straightforward, I wanted something with a bit more substance) Then I found myself lucky when a friend straight-up offered me the first game from their recently acquired collection after remarking that it was a game they probably wouldn't enjoy. And in stark contrast I enjoyed the game tremendously, too much, one might say. I completed the first game in a week. (For those who haven't tried it, that's pretty darn fast considering the amount of side content alone.) Since then I have completed Mass Effect 1 almost as many times as I would a Bethesda game, I'm that helplessly hooked!

Of course, being this familiar with the franchise does mean that I understand a lot of people's concerns when they remark that it's a little strange to include the first Mass Effect in a pack along with the next two. Whilst Mass Effect 2 and 3 are logical escalations from one another, both in story and gameplay, Mass Effect one feels like a messy and like a slightly too-experimental jump into the world of third person action by Bioware. The gameplay is clunky at times and the difficulty levels clearly haven't been balanced, the characters in animation and ability are incredibly stiff during action moments and the talents are either pitiful weak or so essential that your entire gameplay experience will revolve around spamming them. Essentially, Mass Effect 1 had huge gameplay issues that were almost entirely rectified for Mass Effect 2, and many hoped that ME 1 would therefore be granted a slight remake for such a collection pack. If that is the case, however, Bioware certainly aren't telling anyone about it. (Almost definitively indicating that it most certainly is not the case.)

However, Mass Effect Legendary Edition isn't the only 'surprise' that Bioware had up their sleeve for N7 day, because the team also took the time to reveal (once again) that they are working on yet another Bioware game and they haven't abandoned the franchise the same way that they abandoned both the DLC and plain patching plans for Andromeda. (Good thing we've all forgotten about that betrayal.) To celebrate this momentous re-announcement, Bioware greeted us all with a single picture representing the new game and yep... that sure is some concept art... I don't know what we're really supposed to say about the picture, there's nothing identifiably Mass Effect about it whatsoever and, in fact, with the 'whole wide-open tundra' and 'twin celestial bodies' vibe going on this sort of looks like Tatooine from Star Wars. You guys are going to have to pull a little more out of your hat if you wanna charm this old lug.

But that's all in the future and this event was all about unashamedly cementing ourselves in the past like the nostalgic windbags we all are deep down. (I guess not so deep for me, eh.) For now we have opportunity to entwine ourselves in the war against the Reapers whilst feigning complete ignorance to the mediocre sequel series that is desperate to start budding itself despite literally showcasing nothing thematically unique about itself. (Deep breaths, focus.) In many ways I see this as an impending reunion with old, beloved, friends; the likes of which makes me smile to think about. To see Liara, Rex, Mordin and, most importantly, Garrus, again, is a late Christmas gift I could have never anticipated, and am already thankful for. Good move Bioware, if severely delayed.