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Showing posts with label Hollow Knight. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Hollow Knight. Show all posts

Wednesday, 26 June 2024

There is no Silksong

 

On this blessed day I want to sit and talk to you all about a video game. Not just any video game, mind- but a Video game that I love. A spectacular video game. A game called Hollow Knight. Why such a topic comes to mind? Honestly I don't know. Maybe I just want to get things off my chest. Maybe I just want to expel some pent up air that has been stuck behind my heart for the past few years in a throbbing sense of expectation that, at last, I'm giving up on. Maybe I'm just trying to remind myself why it is any of us wanted to see this thing expand into a universe in the first place- and maybe in the exploration of that past I might touch on some nugget of why that can never be. Like a pool gazing at the majesty of the stars through the murky gleam of the gutter- maybe through the murk of defeat some deeper truth can be gleaned.

Hollow Knight was one of those games that I heard about in the same breath as other Indie Platformers that just never seemed to gel with me. Celeste and Child of Light and all those other high fantasy titles that expand some small metaphor out into a grand, and sometimes a little bit overindulgent, tale. (Not to denigrate Celeste by lumping it up with those others, mind- I just didn't like Celeste because precision platforming is not in itself a satisfying game mechanic to me.) It would earn the praise and love of many but I filed the game away as more of the same. I'd try games like that and fell off- which is in itself very unusual for me. I completed the bloody RPG Assassin's Creed games- I stick with trash! But, of course, at some point I was to learn how off base I was.

I couldn't say what drew me to buying Hollow Knight- probably a Steam Sale of some sort- but I know exactly what made me play it. I had tried the game out some little bit and gotten as far as the resting place of The Hollow Knight before kind of drifting away. (Yeah, I really wasn't giving it the time of day.) But if there's one thing you should all know about me, it's that I'm stubborn. And ill mannered. So when I saw someone else playing Hollow Knight on a Youtube steam, and they were clearing in a different area to where I was when I last played, (the background was green instead of blue) the petty in my awoke. "Who the hell does this guy think he is- making me look bad? Why, now I've got to reach this green area so I know what's going on! I didn't stop because the game was hard, I can do this!" Which is what sparked my attention, soon-to-become obsession.

Those familiar with the Metroidvania style of gameplay know well the appeal of exploration that opens up in a manner that feels organic. There's a maze of exploration opened up to you not limited by different coloured doors but rather the movement abilities you unlock throughout the game. It required an impressive amount of forethought on the level designer's end to not only intelligently design these roadblocks but to have them comprehensive and foreshadow-able in the early game so players can file away the complication and remember their way back the moment they earn the solution ability. But not every Metroidvania out there goes the extra step that Hollow Knight goes- to combine their movement abilities with honest to goodness battle powerups!

There's another thing unique about Hollow Knight- platforming is not the key most focus of the game. It's actually the platforming combat that steals the show, showcased in eye-poppingly tight and cut-throat boss fights against some of the most impressive grand, dignified and grotesque creates possible to conceived in the nearly monochromatic, simply cutesy whilst emotionally vacant art style. Style, is the word I'd use to describe the game the best. Across it's bug kingdom you'll find so many layers of horror, faded grandeur and primordial blasphemy it's hard not to envision the insectile world of the game as the stage for some sort of grand epic. And in fact- it pretty much is.

Personally I'd always considered one of the highest pieces of gaming artistry to be the Dark Souls franchise for the way it captures fantastic gameplay, memorable set pieces and unique sensation of reward within a deeply woven world narrative that simply could not be told nearly as completely in any other medium. Which is why it is with the utmost reverence that I consider Hollow Knight, a game which derived clear inspiration from Dark Souls along with other properties, as it's equal. Praise I offer nearly no other non-FromSoftware Souls-Like. The story of the Hollow Knight created to hold back the Radiance is weaved so beautifully into the canvass of the world I just want to jump in an experience it all over again everytime I think about it.

Whatsmore, Hollow Knight is complete. So fully realised. It is a story with a conclusion and wrap up that solves every loose end to such a perfect degree that future additions to the story both added a totally new plot thread to play through- largely disconnected to the happenings of the Hallownest- and added another conclusion to the story that ended in pretty much the exact same way. Just cooler. (I think the original true ending is still canon though. For what it symbolically represents.) That freeing aspect made it so that any follow-up could do literally whatever it wanted. Go anywhere. Star anyone. There was no need for the last surviving member of the Hallownest Royal Family to be seen ever again- and yet still we celebrated when we saw our main girl Hornet take centre stage for the doomed 'Hollow Knight: Silksong.'

It's hard to put into words how ravenous fans have been for this follow up- many champion Hollow Knight as one of the greatest games of all time and I don't exactly disagree with that sentiment at all. I think it's a remarkable game with so much to offer I would be a selfish fool not to recommend it. And perhaps that very hunger- the height to which Hollow Knight was foisted upon it's pedestal, is what is standing between us and our game. We know Silksong started life as DLC, but expanding that out to a full game seemed to have required a total reworking that has utterly floored the team- atop with the ever increasing expectation from a people who expect Team Cherry to match a game they literally consider perfection. 

I'm not going to be one of those terminal pseudo-psyche coded naysayers who will insist it simply isn't possible. Expectations have been built so high that Team Cherry are doomed to disappoint. There are so many examples of the buck being successfully risen to in recent years alone. Across the Spider-Verse, Endgame and I hear preliminary reports declare Shadow of the Erdtree is a legendary DLC- the best FromSoftware have ever put out. But those are examples of sheer excellence, and 'sheer excellence' is a heavy spectre to be sitting on anyone's shoulders, let alone that of an indie team. I can't pretend to know what a group of Australians get up to when totally cut off from the Internet, but I know if I were in their position I'd be doing my best Yoshikage Kira- biting my nails until I draw blood, wondering how far I need to stick a that golden arrow up my neck before the problem goes away. Here's hoping that Team Cherry release the game sometime before turning into time travelling serial killer bombers.  

Friday, 19 May 2023

NO! Not again! My Silken Song...

The circle of reality gets smaller 

Silksong, why art thou Silksong? Why, in this most brutish and billowing of months must we loyal bug kingdom fans be subjected to that news we've long suspected but dreaded to believe? When can the cold steel claws of disappointment relent from around our throats and allowing in the life-giving gulps of... release date air? Okay this bit is getting away from me. Hollow Knight Silksong has been delayed out of it's tentative release window and I just want to jump in front of a landing jet plane. Honestly, at this point I hope Team Cherry just shut down all communication and stop making promises, or teases, or trailers all together. Just drop the game the day it's done and be done with it. Honestly, Hollow Knight is probably big enough at this point that word of mouth would spread and the title would still be a smash hit. I just can't take the disappointment again!

Which seems so bizarre for someone like me to just say given how long that particular person avoided playing Hollow Knight all this time. Honestly, I just didn't really think Platformers were my thing anymore. Sure, I loved a few of them back in the day but Rayman hadn't hit it's stride for a long while and it was telling how the only developers willing to actually try the Platforming genre were those with nostalgic hearts; almost saying out loud how there's no great innovation left to treat that 2D world to. Of course, that was what the old me thought; before I was introduced to what such a game could be capable of thanks to my small affair with a little game about bugs and royalty. And mind-eating viruses sealed away within the expressionless minds of weaponised stoicism. God, I love a story that can make me question my own cohesiveness by mere summary alone!

I think that the original Hollow Knight struck me so hard with the fact that it seemed to wear it's influences on it's sleeve without betraying itself as being some overly large 'reference factory' like some games do. Hollow Knight was ambitious, but serious and ponderous, wielding the mysteriousness of Dark Souls with the sleek visual designs and complicated background scenes of Metroid. Honestly for it's narrative and world alone I would have fallen for what Hollow Knight provided, it didn't have to be a tough as nails but brilliantly intuitive souls-like slasher ontop of all that. And if I couldn't love the thing enough for what it presented; Team Cherry even had the brass gall to give us one of the most satisfyingly cool send-offs one could hope for. Just thinking about the true ending makes me want to load back into the Hallownest and do it all over!

Of course, my praise has been shouted again and again- the reason we're here is to talk about the coming sequel, and question if it ever will make it. Already it was clear that Silksong was going to be a thornier matter than it was originally intended for. The game was conceived as an expansion for the base game before plans changed and it became a standalone ; I'd been seriously concerned if the project underwent that level of shift without any sort of delay whatsoever. Standing as we are, in the dark, after several years since a reveal trailer- now fresh with no clue about when the game will launch... well, patience can wear thin after a while. I suppose they must have enough of a safety net in operating funds to allow for all this development time, which is encouraging- but I'd prefer if they didn't stick up that false hope to begin with. I'll never understand the value of devs doing that- surely that just stresses out their own workers and disappoints their own investors in one fell swoop! (A bizarre trend, I say. Bizarre.)

Not that I oppose the idea of post announcement delays- that would be silly, wouldn't it? If the ironclad promise of a release window was so binding that one simply couldn't go back on their word, even if the final delivered product turns out to be a jumbled mess of haphazard code and buzzing electric wires. No, I think we can all agree that a game delivered in a solid and polished state is the best case scenario for everyone involved. We moved away from the 'early access' mode of development because of the bad light it always shined on the games involved; (and the rampant exploitation indicative of it) we really don't need to go back on ourselves anytime soon. All I'm trying to say is... well, it's a frustrating turn of events to deal with as a consumer, you know?

Time and time again we have these elaborate celebrations of upcoming releases designed to ramp up the coming audience into a buying frenzy before release. From trailers to gameplay walkthroughs to teasers to interviews and behind the scenes and pre-release streams and every marketing trick under the sun that might score over a curious bystander. These giant song and dances only really work when there's a finished glistening product at the end of all the build up, otherwise it all feels like it's for nothing. Grand Theft Auto V delayed itself by nearly half a year, then spent that time building up hype for an online mode that would be delayed by several months more! Cyberpunk threw everything including the kitchen sink at it's audience to prepare them for an unfinished disaster that took years to get functional. By those standards, Silksong just gave us a few teasers- but it's still a bursting of a bubble.

I'll bet at some level, perhaps even a major one, the rampant success and love of the first Hollow Knight has played a part in the decision to delay this one. Any creative will tell you that the worst part of hitting it out of the park with one project is being expected to follow it up with something better the next time, even when you sank everything you had into that last project. I'll suspect that's why some of the most prolific creative talents in the entertainment world make their portfolio as disparate and diverse as possible, so they can pour every part of their soul into on endeavour before embarking on something else entirely new. Before starting on Deltarune, Toby Fox (of Undertale fame) spoke as much in a frank post where he stated how he may never make another game which can get his audience to feel in the same way that Undertale did... I would tell those people to pick up a Persona game to relieve that part of their heart being rekindled, but I understand how heavy that sort of pressure can be. And Team Cherry are no doubt beneath that weight now.

So as much as it pains me, as much as it make me want to cry, as much as my rim gorges at it- I want Team Cherry to be as happy with the game they put out as we are. Because the original Hollow Knight was just so special. Its world was so well designed and laid out, its metroidvania touches so exquisitely and perfectly crafted, it's narrative so grand and beautiful, and it's gameplay so precise and exacting- only another masterpiece will follow up what that game was. If Silksong can match that mastery, nevermind succeed it, than Team Cherry will have made their development worth the time, however long it takes. That being said...  do you think we could find it in our hearts to maybe still get the game out in 2023? Pretty super duper please... 

Monday, 19 December 2022

Level 1

 First Impressions.

It's a commonly repeated refrain that you have to nail your first impression because it might just be your last impression. Wait- no, that's not how it goes. 'First Impressions last longest'? Less threatening, but that still doesn't sound right. How does it go... "You never get a second chance to make a first impression", that's it! (Hmm, that still sounds pretty threatening...) But the point stands strong. The very first time someone starts an experience, meets a new person, or does pretty much anything fresh to them, it will be that first moment which colours their proceeding experiences. Which is why when we bring that philosophy to gaming, a lot of games that are beloved to small subsets of people fail to land with larger audiences. You can tell me all day how amazingly interesting the Avenger's combat apparently becomes once you hit the level cap; but I don't have fifty hours to spend grinding and being bored so I can be mildly entertained by an anaemic game from that point onwards.

Which is why nailing that very first level which the player comes across is so important to establishing the interest in the audience that is going to make them stick around for the long haul. And sealing that interest can't be done in the same way that we do with movies or TV. That stinger scene hinting of the later events might work on some very fringe cases, but most of the time it just highlights how boring the proceeding beginning sections of the game are, or just reveals how unimpressive your most exciting section will be. Perhaps the worst example of this is the legendary 'Ride to Hell: Retribution' which begins with a playable smash cut to all the action set-pieces of the later game, neatly allowing the player to experience right early how unplayably bad all sectors of the gameplay were. Almost like a warning to stay away, which I guess makes Ride to Hell's intro the most conscientious of all other games.

I think this late realisation has been what has led to the slow decline of the 'tutorial', as most games operate with the 'standardised control scheme' anyway and thus most players don't want to sit around being told how to move and shoot for the fiftieth time. The trend has gone towards action-oriented and explosive intros that propel the story and let the player get into the action and narrative immediately, even when the game in question is not a full action title. Some people might have been very surprised when playing the Mass Effect Legendary edition to be reminded how that first game begins with a fairly tame introduction that has you walk around the Normandy talking to the people that will become your crew and learning about the world through simple conversation. Mass Effect 2 has a more traditionally orchestrated tutorial action scene which sets you in a workplace ambush that bears a striking resemblance to the opening of Deus Ex: Human Revolution. And Mass Effect 3 has an even more overblown set-piece that leans more towards interactive cinematic than an actual firefight with stakes and peril. And that is just 5 years of 'first level' development clichés being developed by one company.

First levels have become such an entity unto themselves that comedy themed games, such as Far Cry Blood Dragon, have precedent to make fun of them. Why they had to do so in a manner that is equally as tedious as the cliché they were mocking is beyond me, but the expectation of fourth-wall shattering meta comedy is established by the display. Which is, of course, another function of the 1st level. Setting expectation for the audience to come back seeking a pay-off for. It's especially important to do this in long-form media like games and books because neither are expected to be finished in a single sitting. As a designer or writer, you have to be making the case on why your audience needs to return from page 1. Which is why 'Ride to Hell's' cliché 'fast forward' intro was in the right head-space, if flawed in other departments.

Souls games are great examples of this for how they endeavour to always ensure their reputation as unforgiving and brutal experiences is reinforced from the word 'go'. Practically every Souls game has a moment where you end up face-to-face with either the first boss or a tough early-game foe, totally unprepared for that encounter. The original Dark Souls has the first fight against the Asylum Demon, which transpires before you even have your class weapons; Bloodborne has the close quarters brawl with the werewolf which is attached to an almost scripted death sequence. Sekiro pits you against the final boss, and scripts your defeat no matter how well you do. And Elden Ring has Margit; a wound still fresh enough in it's players hearts that I don't need to tell you how unprepared people were for it. The message is very simple; 'prepare to die' and the humbleness of being killed is the first lesson FromSoftware teaches every one of it's players

There are some game types, however, that have confidence enough in the genre within which they exist and the precedent of their peers that they don't need to slap you in the face for attention. Some take their sweet time to establish atmosphere, or world building, confident in the fact that you will stick around for the prolonged amount of time required for the real excitement to start. Hollow Knight is a masterpiece that begins with a particularly subdued thematically desolate introduction to the Hallownest. And Japanese RPGs like Final Fantasy and Xenoblade usually avoid the big exciting events so they can allow the player to acclimatise first. This is because above all else, these games aspire to establish immersion, not just stimulation; and only when the player has sold themselves fully into the world do they come and supply the action and danger to the world they've built. 

I think there's one game I know, and love, which balances all the points I've picked out beautifully; and you won't be surprised in the least to see how that game is Yakuza 0. The prequel Yakuza game that revived this franchise to the Western world, Yakuza 0 had very big shoes to fill when it proposed to tackle the very beginning of Kiryu Kazama's journey ten years after his original outing. And they began with a shock, but not an explosion. Kiryu beating a man, in a cutscene, to a bloody pulp for protection money. What follows is actually a very subdued sequence of discovering the 80's Kamurocho, meeting the characters and beginning to get hooked into a plot that prioritizes intrigue. But by that same merit; Yakuza doesn't leave action fans waiting. The finale of the first chapter is perhaps one of the finest action set-pieces that the franchise has ever had. Built like the finale of a whole story with the focus on making the ultimate sacrifice by taking responsibility, the player is then thrown into a relentless no-punches-pulled onslaught of enemies in a perfectly paced gauntlet headed off with a climatic boss fight against one of the key villains of the game. It's over-the-top, awesome and supremely satisfying; that is how you start your game.

The beginning can often be the most challenging part of any work of art, and the amount of forethought and intention it demands will never cease to amaze me in the special instances where all works out with flawless delight. A great introduction will play in your head forever and make you want to dive back in the second after you finish; a bad introduction will kill your momentum and maybe even make you uninstall the game before it gets good. (I literally cannot replay Blood Dragon because I always automatically uninstall the moment the intro wraps up.) So think about the next game you start and whether or not the game you're playing touches on all the notes an intro should, and whether level 1 alone is enough to keep you hooked until the last level.

Wednesday, 10 August 2022

The game's not made for everyone

 Made for someone

Given that the development of video games are such a huge and expensive production, it's both beneficial to the growth of a genre and the potential profitability of each product that every game be designed to be 'made for everybody'. It's a wonderful sentiment, encouraging interconnectivity and propagation of one's loves towards the masses, as well as the corporate desire to permeate absolutely everywhere but in the effort of positivity I'm going to choose to ignore that angle to all this. Games are meant to be celebrated and shared which it's why it's great for them to become as inclusive as possible with all of the accessibility options which are slowly becoming more commonplace. (Very slowly, mind, but some progress is better than none.) Because entertainment should be laid out as everyone's feet for them to enjoy and all that smiles and happiness talk which we all love so very much. Now here's the counter.

Not every game is made for everyone. Obviously. Or the concept of genres wouldn't exist. But even more specifically than that, sometimes games aren't made for new comers and genre experts to enjoy in equal measure, largely because such a balance always comes with drawbacks. You can't make such a game too in-depth and systems heavy for fear of alienating new comers (Trust me, I've been trying, and failing, to force myself into learning Homeworld for more than a year at this point) and you can't make it too basic and bare bones for risk of being boring to genre fans. The in-the-middle balance is typically recognised as the ideal game balance; but not every game is suited to fit that. Sometimes you'll have games that strive off in the direction of alienation driven to explore one extreme or the other, and I wanted to consider a collection of games that I believe, in some sense, were designed specifically not to foster genre new comers. (Or at least; games that significantly leaned towards the learned and experienced.)

Pathfinder: Kingmaker was perhaps one of the biggest wake-up slaps in the face I had leaning towards this realisation. Because any CRPG fan can enjoy the plethora of great genre titles out there in this impromptu resurgence of this unique game style, but not everyone can role up to Pathfinder: Kingmaker with that same carefree attitude. Just as how Baldur's Gate 2 is fundamentally designed not to be played out of order with 1, even if you ignore the story, the gameplay is set-up to be literally next step in terms of difficulty; Pathfinder wants you to know exactly how to play this style of game from the get-go. You are encouraged to build effectively, to the point where the game itself will actually take over the levelling unless you know exactly what sort of character you want to be at endgame. No, this isn't the blind autolevelling system you can expect out of Mass Effect or those sorts of RPGs; Pathfinder picks your life path for you.

And it is for good reason. Pathfinder: Kingmaker adapts a module designed to see players through an entire campaign, and wants you to bitterly earn every scrap of progress you make in fire and blood. Even from the early game you're facing the sorts of bosses that will drain every last spare item you have to take them down, and end game mega-bosses who will simply eat you up and spit you out. At normal difficulty levels (I always play in levels that most accurately match the scaling of the table-tops) Kingmaker is easily one of the most difficult CRPGs on the market right now, but by that same merit also one of the most exhilarating. In the same way that Dark Souls (Yes, forgive the reference, it's pertinent.) forces players to climb a mountain so they feel the weight of their trials on the otherside; Kingmaker drags you through hell so that you earn your kingdom and every moment of peace. That sort of challenge just isn't possible to present in a game designed to coddle newcomers and can only really be presented from a title that expects you to be familiar and will punish you raw anyway.

Another game I want to highlight is 'Stellaris', although to be fair to this assessment could broaden out to most every single 4x game on the market. Most of them. Because 4X as a genre has gotten to the point where those who love it recognise it, and those you don't can't really be persuaded into it. Some games like Stellaris, therefore, tend to lean towards the more intensive crowd with systems and interfaces piled ontop of one another and only really offers a perfunctory sort of tutorial to explain it all. It's hard when looking at these sorts of game to differentiate between titles that genuinely don't try to bridge the gap beteeen newbies and experienced genre lovers, and games that just have a really vapid and weak tutorial (like I would say Kenshi does. And yes, I think Kenshi just about counts as a 4X/RTS/ survival hybrid game) but I think Stellaris and similar games can recognise the divide and choose to go the other way.

Which does not mean that every game of this genre does, however; and though they are the rare exception I do recall some 4X strategy titles that are built specifically to cater for new crowds. I think Civilisation as a series has always kept itself accessible enough for just about anyone to find it's charms if they want to, and Humankind is said to be welcoming. I consider this to be the ideal balance; great games to introduce people to the genre, just as good games for them to enjoy once they're inducted into the fold. The best of both worlds. Although I'm sure there's got to be some game I don't know about from this genre which pushes even that to it's pure elitist extremes. (No, I'm not claiming that game to be Homeworld; I wish I could withstand it long enough to be able to make that determination.)

Which brings me to the general state of platformers and how they currently are; because pretty much no platformer made today is taking into account a newcomer to the genre. One might argue that there is no feasible reason for them to, given that Platformers are so intrinsically tied to gaming that they are somewhat second nature to any gamer, but that is a wad of hand-wavey logic when you break it down. Modern platformers can actually be pretty challenging to people who aren't intuned with that style of play which can result in them being a little hard to penetrate. Hollow Knight, for example, requires tough reaction times, pinpoint dodges and complex movements. (Although HK is kind enough to introduce these elements carefully as the game progresses.) I think that it's actually difficult to make a newcomer's platformer without it feeling hopelessly outdated or simplistic; which is why we just let Platformers carry on their evolution to become more specialised and tough.

So not every game is made for everybody, and is that a good thing? I'd argue; yes. Some of my favourite games out there are the one's designed to batter you down and destroy every once of confidence you believed you had, so that you can slowly build it back up in a pantheon of challenge and strife. To me that is a fun time. And does that make me a weirdo? Yes, to a good number of people out there who like totally different experiences. Just as we all hold different thresholds for entertainment, does it make sense for there to be differently catering entertainment products. Some made for the consumption of everybody, and some made for the consumption of the genre lovers. That's how you nail into a niche, afterall.

Wednesday, 20 April 2022

I hate: Platforming Puzzles where it doesn't belong

A said a Hip, Hop-

We all have our places in life, I am told. Our inexorable, inexplicable mortal duties to which we are chained and drawn like moths to a roaring open flame. To lash out against that fate, or to rove off in search of it, is the topic of many a philosophical piece; but the way I see it, the proposition alone contains the most salient tincture of truth. For if we are to accept the premise that somewhere out there, tucked behind the golden clouds, lays our marble-paved destiny draped and ready in anticipation, then wouldn't it track to say that there are plenty of paths in life simply not for us? Pitfalls to ruin? Dreams within which we simply do not belong? If there is one then there must be the other, and that's why I never shy to point out when I see an errant pilgrim, driven far from their field and languishing in a life not theirs. And today my finger points towards platforming puzzles.

For some reason or other, games absolutely love throwing sections of precision platforming into games that, rather pointedly, are not always platforming games. It galls because platforming is not some throwaway minigame you can just shove into your game when your think the loop lacks variety, like a match 3 tile game. Platformers are delicate and intricate machines, a masterwork of delicate control tweaking, mindful level design and balanced vectors for challenge. Platforming has been around for as long as home gaming as been (longer even) and still it's an artform being worked upon and reiterated towards; people have dedicated their professional lives to making sure their platformers play the best they possibly can. And then Valve comes along and just shoves a platforming section into their first person shooter.

Yes, Half Life, a game renowned for it's groundbreaking variety in mission structure, apparently abandons all vestiges of sanity near it's end act and sends the player into a notoriously fiddly platforming section. I haven't played the game myself so I can't attest to it from experience, but I have seen the section in question and heard tell of controls implicitly not designed for precision platforming. Because of course not, why would they be? The sorts of movement you need for a good first person shooter, smooth fluid movements, decent travel, subtle immersion touches; don't cross the Venn diagram for Platforming in the slightest. (intuitive movement weight, responsive and disciplined controls that start when you prompt and end when you stop.) And perhaps I can't add my own voice to the mix for this game; but I did play DOOM.

In DOOM (2016) there is one level in particular that tasks you with making large jumps over deadly pits of death whilst trading projectiles with a smattering of imps all scattered across a service pipe leading into your destination. This isn't the only platforming puzzle section, but it's the most frustrating to my mind. The large leaps to safety you are required to make, whilst the split second reactions you need for avoiding demonic balls of flame, often clash together to spectacularly frustrating effect. In the heat of it's action, DOOM is dance of call and response between waves of enemies and the suite of movement/violent tools at the player's disposal. All of which comes to a grinding standstill when you need to line up the perfect jump for fear of tumbling to your demise. For this one small section of an otherwise adrenaline fuelled game, it suddenly becomes most heavily advised to find a vantage point and pick off the imps from afar before getting all embroiled in the steelworks of the service bridge. It changes up the pace, I guess; but since when is DOOM not about getting up in the face of demons and blowing their jaw through their skull with a super shotgun? Consider me wholly unconvinced as to the necessity of that platforming section.

And speaking of platforming sections that wrestle with the genre of the game they're thrust into; who's played Dark Souls? Yes, the king of difficulty itself tripped into a vat of ill-advised platforming section for a few memorable awful scenes. Everytime it's been a case of 'you need to drop on these tiny ledges in order to reach the bottom of this pit', and everytime the result is you being reminded once again how pathetic Dark Souls' jump mechanics are. The way you hardly leave the ground more than a couple centre meters, heavy amounts of fall damage, the fact that the button to jump is the same as the one to sprint; everything about these sections are awful. Although little tops the platforming puzzle in the worst boss of the franchise. Which, incidentally, is the reason why this is the worst boss in the franchise. The Bed of Chaos requires a precision jump in order to finish it off, and that single leap alone is the hardest challenge Dark Souls has to offer. It's so unreasonably difficult, that this is the only boss in any Souls game where the progress you make on the boss (cutting his roots) actually stays completed if you die and respawn. Platforming so bad it challenges the traditions of an entire subgenre; that's impressively terrible.

Hollow Knight is a platformer. It's a lot of other genres besides just sharp and precise jumping from stage to stage, but the platforming element to the gameplay cannot possibly be overlooked or undersold. But does Hollow Knight dedicate itself to it's platforming? Well... yes actually. There's a plethora of abilities, some discrete others locked until found, that modify the way you explore the world in a way that meaningfully unwraps the corners of the Hallownest like any good Metroidvania demands. However, is that any excuse to give me something like the Path of Pain? For the entirety of Hollow Knight it's challenge proposition has been on the dance of boss fights, weaving between deranged swipes, crazy slashes and a prolonged assault of energy wave beams shot periodically at you from the boss who is currently rolled up in an invincible ball in the centre of the room. But the optional 'Path of Pain' forgets all that, and shoves frankly inane platforming challenges, squeezed one after the other with but a rare smattering of platforms inbetween hell to rest and checkpoint. They pull platforming tricks on you that the rest of the game never even hinted at. Suddenly you have to pogo bounce on thorn walls, jump-dash-jump through tiny slivers of free space between deadly spike walls and even master a bit of wall-dash cancellation. And what is the reward? For what do we endure these ceaseless attacks on our sanity and goodwill? An insultingly uncomplicated 3 second cutscene. Thanks for the rondo of pain followed by salt to fester the cuts.

And finally, the very reason which I bring this topic up: Blasphemous. Crossing over with another big Metroidvania should have been a cause for celebration, specifically when that game is 'Bloodstained: Ritual of the Night', the much-beloved spiritual successor to Castlevania! But then the team at The Game Kitchen conspired to have us associate Miriam forever with hatred after they unveiled the five Miriam platforming challenges that made up this collaboration. Movement in Blasphemous is decent, it's not the draw and it's platforming challenge typically comes from frustrating movement elements, such as the way this game breaks the rule of 'whatever your sprite can touch, it can climb on', due to the Penitent One's lengthy conehead that doesn't count to his climbing hitbox. Or the unexpected heft which makes you sink like a rock the second after your manual jump is done, so don't expect to angle-glide to your destination. Which makes the concept of challenges that are only platforming related just a nightmare. And indeed, the Miriam Challenges are that nightmare. Precision jumps when the Penitent One is liable to combust the second his pinkie toe scratches a spike's hitbox. Prolonged and timed stringed-together challenge hallways wherein a single death restarts the entire three minute sprint. Oh, and lamp jumping. A mechanic absolutely never explained in the game wherein you attack a lamp mid-air in order to stunt the momentum of your fall briefly. Sounds simple right? Wrong. Because the only time it works is if you hit down as you swing, a variance in attack with absolutely no visual indicator whatsoever, and which makes it difficult to make forward momentum for the way you have drag your analog forward-down and then forward again. Of course, a little tip on that front: you get the same Lamp-jump effect automatically if your just hold the 'dash' button whilst you hit, something else the game goes through great pains to never tell you! I completed these once and they were easily the most frustrating and unrewarding challenges this game had to offer; curse that poxxy Miracle!

And so you can see my problem; when you shove platforming challenges into games not built for them, you are no longer adding to the gameloop but you're throwing in the game's own controls as an enemy to wrestle with. Even games like Hollow Knight, with great movement, feel a little out of place sending us up against a platforming-only battle. Yet despite saying all that, I do recognise the desire to diversify content and would myself wonder about the viability of a game who's only battles are against platforming sections. I suppose at the end of the day this comes down to a question of how you handle it and if your game is built to sustain it; which in that case leaves no room for justification for games like Dark Souls and bloody DOOM; Learn to stick to you lane a little more, devs!

Wednesday, 29 December 2021

Hollow Knight Review

 Dream no more

Every year in this pleasant little industry we have on our laps, two major sides to the general gaming fandom arise from the disparity ushered in by the sparking of The First Flame. The big AAA world-burner games that are, to coin the name of that first achievement from Modern Warfare 3 that I've never forgotten after all of these years, 'too big to fail'; and the more demure and refined shade of independent fandoms which may not burn as loudly but often, due to the more intimate nature of the relationship between fan and developer, burns a lot brighter and longer. A great AAA game will usually flare up in popularity for a few months, in incredibly rare cases it may be good enough to last years, but typically the next entry will drag everyone's attention elsewhere. Good indie titles seem to almost imprint on the very souls of their fans to the point where those very people will swing their bulwarks in it's defence and readily sing it's praises from the rafters until there are none left who haven't heard of the game in question. That was how, after all of these years, I finally got around to playing the indie darling cult-classic Hollow Knight.

I tell you this story because, if you've hung around this blog for a while, you'll know that platformers aren't typically the sorts of games that I shoot for. I'm not good at them, they can get repetitive fast for me, and I even got bored playing the beginning areas of Metroid Dread, so you know I'm predisposed against this style of game. But after the third consecutive year of hearing this thing's name dragged into otherwise sensible conversation, seeing the infectious, feverous stupor behind these rapid soul's eyes, well I've had to give the source of the infestation a little look over at some point, just to see what all the fuss was about. Afterall, that was how I discovered 'Star Wars Empire at War', despite being a total strategy dunce and now that's my second favourite Star Wars game of all time! (Actually... I have played Fallen Order since then. Hmm... Nah, Order can take Third.) With a positive mental attitude and an appetite to be invested, I snatched up this game with the cute little stag beetle on the cover and dived into Hallownest for the first time.

In an utterly basic premise, because I would be totally sickened with myself were I to tread on the carefully manicured storyline that Team Cherry orchestrated, Hollow Knight is a game about bugs. But of course there's more to it. It's a magical society of sapient monarchist bugs, sprawled in a vast and undeniably deep 'dark fantasy' world called the Hallownest. You arrive in these lands as a voiceless Knight, find the solitary surface town of Dirtmouth practically abandoned and get to the work of unravelling the mysteries of this place and it's many decidedly truculent inhabitants. (98% try to kill you the second they see you; so that's a bag of worms to unravel all on it's own.) How everything plays out from even that beginning point is too interesting and intricate for me to lay out here, but I will say there's a clear and incredibly well-executed mimicry of Dark Souls-style storytelling on display here. Drip fed myth wrapped in stories and bequeathed in a box of mystery. And knowing the love I put upon Dark Souls' name, you know that's not a comparison I make lightly.

So then the obvious next question would be: is this a Souls-like? To which my answer is no. Whilst there is a mechanic of dying and leaving a wraith with your currency that you then have to hunt down, that's where the similarities end. This isn't an RPG with stat sheets and the like, and there's no tons of weapons and armour sets to go hunting down for obscure boosts to some ridiculous stat like 'Resistance'. Instead what we have here is a much more time honoured genre of game in a 'Metroidvania', which is to refer to the sort of game designed in the style of old school Metroid. (And Castlevania, I guess, but Castlevania grew into that sort of game, Metroid more pioneered it.) So the name of the game is exploration, discovering the environment, mapping your progress, spotting dead ends and then becoming intimately familiar with the place so that you backtrack across the land once you've got this one piece of gear that works in this certain area. It is perhaps one of the most time-consuming types of platformer one can make as it requires a 3 dimensional design philosophy to always account for the relationship between areas, how shortcuts might fit in, the places in which the story will lay itself out, and all that nattering organisational stuff. (It sounds like a headache.)

I've played a fair few games like this in the past and have a sort of love-hate relationship with the set-up. On one hand, when done well it can result in an incredibly organic feeling game world that you come to memorise as one might a childhood haunt, so much that you squeal with wonder a little everytime you uncover some wild new route that connects to areas you thought you knew so well. Hollow Knight performs this style of game incredibly well and discovering it's little nooks and crannies sometimes surpasses the handle on this genre that classics like 'Symphony of the Night' manage in their execution. I've stumbled into odd little caves and discovered whole new environments that are entirely non critical to the core story and just full of little secrets and charms, or sometimes even just a snippet of lore. Yes, Hollow Knight is the sort of game which is so proud of itself that it can place its hardest optional platforming challenge in an area where the only reward on the otherside is a 5 second cutscene, and it still feels somewhat rewarding. (Tell Miyazaki and I'll deny I ever said it, but sometimes I think this world might even be superior to some Souls ones!) 

That praise comes all down to the execution of The Hallownest, the subterranean collection of terrarium-esque distinct biomes the populate this rather hefty and dense world. These environments are lovingily drawn and rendered with that moody, eerie atmosphere of a rich world recently made utterly empty which Dark Souls veterans will be more than familiar with. Aiding this is the gorgeous musical score by Christopher Larkin which broods and gently whispers in the Forgotten Crossroads, skitters and crawls in the Deepnest and howls and whines in Kingdom's Edge. (Or Howling Cliffs- dammit, I forgot there's an optional area named after that!) It is unerringly beautiful, from the depths of the Abyss to the summits of Crystal Peak, and those who may have glanced the odd screenshot and feared for those dour blues need not be concerned; though the palette is typically demure, you do have explosion of greens and purples and billowing cloudy golds depending on the biome you're trekking around in. It's just one of the many ways the developers successfully segment their world in order to make the space feel naturally enormous whilst in reality being actually rather comfortably manageable. Going from one end to the other might take all of 10 minutes, (provided you know what you're doing and have all movement tools) but it feels like an epic adventurous trek, and you know that's what I seek most of all from my game worlds.

Speaking of 'worlds', I want to vent a little bit about how the Map works, because I think it alone tells you the sort of experience that Team Cherry want exploration to be for the player. When you first rock up to the Forgotten Crossroads, you have absolutely no map. At some point you'll happen upon a studious Weevil with a pleasant hum and a penchant for leaving discarded quills about the place leading to his location. (a clever environmental tool for finding him in future encounters from Team Cherry.) He'll sell you a map to your location (each area has it's own map), so that's already pretty eyebrow raising for not being a freely given map like most games prefer. Then you'll learn that the map has some locations filled out already, which doesn't cover the breadth of the area and nor does it update. No, you have to trek all the way back to Dirtmouth in order to talk to his wife to purchase a quill and then you can update the map. But even then the map only updates when resting at a bench. (this game's substitute for bonfires) Of course, even at that point you're using the map like an 18th century cartographer, trying to desperately match the shape of the world with the shapes on your paper, because you yourself don't appear on it! For that you need to source another item in the Charm called 'Wayward Compass'. And so you can glimpse the intentions of the developers; they want your exploration to be organic and fuelled by curiosity rather than "Well I haven't been to this part of the map yet" which sets you in the mindset for learning to look at the world and really start appreciating the helpful quirks to the world which makes every corridor distinct and new.

Which brings us, I suppose, to Charms: Hollow Knight's gear system. Rather than throw dozens of new rapidly depreciated spears and swords at the Knight, Hollow Knight gives the player a single blade (adorably called a 'Nail') Which it expects the player to slowly level up over the course of the game in a manner befitting a proper Metroidvania. But builds and playstyles do still exist in this meaty little package through the inclusion of Charms, little trinkets that the player can equip a certain number of (dependent on their power level and the amount of Charm notches owned) and which all provide a unique boon of some sort. We've seen these sorts of systems done before in other titles, but once again I have to take off my hat to Hollow Knight for doing justice to this setup. You see each charm is unique, which means you're not going to be digging up some minor bauble which grants plus 4% to attack damage, but beefy Charms like 'Fragile Strength' which increases damage by 50% but breaks if still worn when the player dies. Or 'Thorns of Agony' which lashes out some revenge damage everytime your little Knight gets hit. 'Quick Slash', which boosts the speed you swing you Nail, might work well with 'Fragile Strength' which also synergies with 'Steady Body' (nullifies player recoil) in order to make your Knight effectively able to pingpong charging enemies and do rapid damage around as long as that particular foe can suffer knockback. That's just one potential set-up and the game has a total of 40 charms. Mixing and matching is essentially setting yourself up for a different build and can be done totally freely at any bench, fleshing out topics like boss strategy to a whole new dimension through rapid build adjustment. I won't claim to be an expert and I'm still finding new Charms that I love for the day all the time, and that just goes to show you how well a deceptively simple system works at drilling depth into a game like this.

Enemies are, of course, a big part of the equation when it comes to Metroidvania games, as these are the many folks you'll be slaying to pieces on your journeys from one important story locale to another tough boss beatdown. Lots of games in this genre have these iconic trash mobs whom have you struggle almost as much as the end of level boss does; The Medusa heads from Castlevania, The Iron Knuckles and appropriately named 'Fokkas' from 'The Legend of Zelda II: The Adventure of Link' and pretty much everything with a pulse in Irithyll from Dark Souls III. I didn't really find that trash mob in Hollow Knight. Don't get me wrong, there were the odd tough enemy which had me sweating the first few times I faced them, but no one creature which had me sighing my guts out everytime I saw them. Which is somewhat indicative of the difficulty level which the entire game operates under. Hollow Knight is actually somewhat approachable to casual platform players in it's base body. Almost deceptively so...

Bosses are what the game is mostly about, although I will say that I expected them to take a much more prominent role in the structure of this game world. There were times when I had entered and explored a new area head-to-toe (as much as I could for that first time) and didn't encounter a single boss creature, which sometimes made me feel as though I wasn't exactly progressing with pace. (In my Dark Souls-addled mind) When they did take the time out of their day to come and meet me, they were certainly worth the wait. Great bug-themed enemy visual design, rhythmic and well animated attack sets and a fantastic array of unique tracks from the OST makes every single Boss memorable. (Even the silly throwaway bosses, like Gruz Mother) Although... and I'm being nitpicky here- they were all pretty easy. I mean throughout the whole game. I don't think a single boss from the main game had me actually sit-up and pay attention for the first entire half of the game, and even in the second half I never really sweated it out. This game didn't use me like a ragdoll and toss me aside like the Souls games usually do on my first run, and maybe that's a consequence of the comparatively straight-forward and easier to grasp 2 dimensional world, or maybe that's a conscious effort from Team Cherry to be accommodating to non-hardcore players. None of the base game bosses felt like throwaway trash, and I never found a vanilla boss moveset I thought to be 'unfair'. (In keeping with the general polished sheen of the whole game, I guess.)

Exploration was a somewhat consistent source of frustration for my early snippets of gameplay, and not just for that fiddly map system. Whilst this game's narrative drinks deep from the Dark Souls well of wanton obfuscation, Team Cherry actually dared to go one devotion higher by literally giving the player no motivation until they reach the middle of Hallownest. (which is a good chunk into the game, mind.) Meaning that for a solid few hours you literally have no idea where you're supposed to be going. This would be fine if not for the fact that a few of the directions you're supposed to take are so off-the-beaten path that it can be genuinely frustrating to walk back and forth feeling stuck about what to do next. Add onto that the fact that blocked routes (places in Metroidvania games that are designed to be dead-ends right now so that they can be navigated later with a specialised piece of equipment) aren't ever marked on the map. When you get to the middle stages of the game, and are juggling three different area maps in your overworld, it can be a real headache to try and figure out what routes you got caught off at and which you might now be able to traverse with your cool new gadget. And I know this is a genuine issue the developers themselves spotted late, because the first update for the game included the ability to buy little manual map pins that you can slap around yourself to keep track of niggling dead-ends.

On the topic of updates, there's a reason why I subtly specified 'the base game' when talking about Hollow Knight's difficulty. Everything was pretty easy in the base game, no bosses felt cheap or overly annoying in the base game. That's because Hollow Knight was treated to four rather substantial updates that each acted like free fleshed-out DLC packs to the game, most of which were decently embedded into the base structure of the world to feel like natural optional content. And whatever lingering glimmer of goodwill that Team Cherry felt towards their players when making the base Hollow Knight was clearly long expended by the time they reached these updates. Two of the updates in question added some mechanical things here and there, changed up small parts, sprinkled some extra depth to the odd bits and ends, and even added a couple of secret remix bosses. The last two were a declaration of war on anyone who found Hollow Knight too easy.

The Grimm Troupe adds a delightfully fun mini-story largely unconnected from the main narrative that introduces a few charms and one of the hardest boss fights I think I've ever endured. Oh yeah, Nightmare King Grimm ripped my Nail in half, stuck the sharp end down my throat and used me as a mop to scrub up the excrement I involuntarily released in response to the sheer ferocity of his moveset. Good. God. Every single pirouette, dive, spike, bat flurry and ball-shooty-attack-thing was layered with enough cheese to stink out the Louvre. Reaction times were as strict as they feasibly could be, and layered with special little 'F#@> You' flourishes that made every mistake a practical death sentence. Ask me no longer if I've ever danced with the Devil in the pale moonlight, because after NKG I've mastered the Backwards Atomic Breakdance Boogie whilst serenaded by the cacophonous throbbing pulse of the nightmarish heart of Hell itself dragged up from the lakes of Pandemonium to sear its grim beat into the white flesh of my ear drums. The only saving grace of this travesty is that Nightmare King Grimm's theme slaps stupidly hard. Thank you, Christopher, your music alone kept my head above the billowing furrows of abject insanity.

Godmaster is the final DLC/free update and is served as a fitting send off to the game from the team. Functionally a boss rush mode, Team Cherry spared no expense intricately crafting a narratively sound implementation for such a mode to exist within the world of Hallownest and crammed enough content for an entire small game's worth of gameplay to be experienced in this one area alone. Godmaster is essentially a challenge to prove one's mastery of the game, with Pantheons of bosses that stretch from sweat-inducing to "Oh, my god this is going to take an hour to even attempt", Challenge modes against each individual boss that range from "Oh, the arena is slightly changed and he hits twice as hard" to "Help, the boss will kill me in a single hit. Save me from this carnage!" and even a brand new ending thrown into the game with remixed bosses and a seriously cool last showdown that's its almost a shame how few of the fanbase will be willing to endure the 42 straight boss rush required to see it. (I am not exaggerating.)

The only part of this game I can't breakdown for fear of spoiling the fun is the narrative, but maybe a more general assessment of it as a whole will give you an impression of my thoughts. Whilst coming across decently Soulsian in it's presentation, I actually found the bare narrative beats decently easy to follow so that I didn't suffer that typical Souls-like dilemma of "Okay, I beat the final boss and got an ending. Now what does that even mean?" But the storytellers take easily discernible glee in hiding the finer points and grander motivations behind the literarily enigmatic ramblings of some strange NPC tucked in the furthest reaches of the world behind an illusionary wall somewhere. It's practically nectar for people like me who delight in piecing together the significance of an addled Knight's turd sculptures and their wider lore implications. (Oh, he makes one of you at some point... how delightful...) Unlike Dark Souls (I'm sorry for the constant comparisons but I swear they're made with love!) Team Cherry aren't afraid to snatch the player up for a few set piece moments that land beautifully not just for their gorgeously grand delivery but their relative rarity against the rest of the game. The set piece for the true ending of the base game in particular is just epic. It's worth going the extra mile just to experience that alone.

Summary
In conclusion, Hollow Knight is a hauntingly beautiful swanswong of a Metroidvania title, effortlessly colliding intriguing world design, engaging gameplay and a brilliant score. The amount of content and depth tucked away in all of it's little corners is enough to give a satisfying and surprisingly hefty first playthrough and lay enough groundwork for significant replay value. Some of the later challenges, specifically the postgame content, veers a little into 'ridiculously hard' territory at times, but for the most-part Hollow Knight remains an enjoyable and rewarding experience from beginning to end. Provided you're willing to buy into it's premise and immerse yourself in the world, Hollow Knight will snatch you away into a rich Dark Fantasy adventure that takes itself surprisingly serious considering the almost cutesy visage of The Knight on the boxart. I, personally, cannot put the game down to the point I've been dipping out of this review to bang my head on 'Godmaster' some more, that's evidence in itself for how addictive this lean little title can be. For those with a love for Platformers, Metroidvanias and all things Souls-esque, this is a must-buy recommend, and I think there's something here for you even if you're a platforming agnostic. With a little bit of deliberation on the sub-grade, I feel comfortable giving Hollow Knight a solid A Grade, flanked with an order to pick this game up if you haven't already; these are the sorts of crazy good games we need more of in the industry! My only lingering gripe is now I have this game's upcoming sequel, 'Hollow Knight: Silk Song', on my watch-list, towering that pile of 'anticipated games' to about level with the Burj Khalifa.

Sunday, 26 December 2021

Torturing myself with games

 Why are we still here? Just to suffer?

The role of video games and how they serve us in the entertainment field is obviously (or at least obvious to anyone with the mind to look and pay attention) a lot less linear than 'play game makes me feel good'. Games can exist to tell intriguing stories, convey complex emotional journeys, reconstruct the way we form and recount narrative and, in some instances, inflate our sense of self worth through the bitter crucible of challenge. I've sought out games for most of those reasons in the past, but today (and the last half of this solstice) I've been truly sold into the dance of self flagellation and it is torturous. My punisher? Hollow Knight. That game I already completed and thought; 'Once I get that blog out, I can put the thing down. Maybe once Silk Song gets a release date I'll pick it back up for another playthrough.' If only my plans were strong enough to make it to paper. Instead I've been torturing myself for day after day and I'm getting to the point where I have to ask; how bad for me is this really?

Just to give any of ya'll a headsup, this isn't a topic on how healthy games in general are but rather my relationship to them, as such it's going to be a personal dive but I hope there's something others can ascertain for themselves through this light introspection. So, Hollow Knight. From the start all I wanted to do was finish the game, learn what it was about, and final to satisfy the story. Team Cherry really won me over with their surprisingly straight-laced dark fantasy narrative and I adored how the true ending played itself out. I was happy with that ending. It was fulfilling. But of course in discovering that ending I did learn there was another out there, a sort of 'alternative true ending', which doesn't mechanically change the events of the world, but plays them out in a different fashion. And in fact, it was an ending added by the Godseeker update.

So what exactly is this ending and how does it relate to my torture? It's the reward for completing all the Godseeker Pantheons (boss runs) before unlocking and completing the Pantheon of the Hallownest. That final Pantheon entails fighting every boss in the game, or a specifically designed harder version of one of those bosses, in a 42 boss straight run. It's essentially a middle finger in the face. And were this proposed by literally any other game I'd have ignored it entirely... but Hollow Knight is really fun. The controls are tight, the bosses are creative and cool, and some part of me wants to at least experience all the developers have made for this title. But 42 bosses? Am I really that masochistic? And why is the answer yes? For the past few days whenever I've found myself not actively doing something for more than three minutes (so yeah, pretty much every other second during Christmas) I've hopped onto the Pantheon grind once more to make myself a little better. And I'm reaching the point where I don't even know what I'm getting out of the experience anymore.

So far I've completed each of the first three pantheons and their Binding challenges (If you don't know what that means, just imagine I was punching myself in the face constantly during each run. it's essentially that.) I have the Knight's Pantheon next and then I get the right to even attempt the Pantheon of the Hallownest. And I'm a little worried. Not worried about being able to reach it. (I've been practising Pure Vessel all night and have downed him at least 8 times, I'm getting better.) But rather I'm afraid of getting into the challenge and being unable to put the thing down for the amount of devotion it's going to demand of me. Is this even about the ending anymore? I can look that up on Youtube. No, at this point I'm driven by the frustration, anger and loathing of each failed attempt. It's as though I'm dragging myself through this in the vain hope that once I've topped everything (if I get that far) then I'll finally be beyond the self deprivation that swells in the quietest moments, at least for today.

As strange as that sounds, that really is the underlying neurosis that drives my obsession with all ludicrously hard games and why, when the game is solidly made and boasts control fidelity to the point where every single failure is the fault of no one but the player, I physically cannot bring myself to back down from the challenge. (If it isn't that finely tuned then I can walk away easily. It's as though my hope out of the experience is to be in situations wherein I can blame myself for not being good enough.) It's a feeling I get from seeking out games like Pathfinder Kingseeker (A near miserable experience on even moderate difficulties) when I have just as many casual games waiting untouched on my harddrive, like Stardew Valley or Terraria. (Terraria is super causal the way I play it. I essentially just make it my box-cave generator game.)

Stubbornness is a centripetal force at the heart of this equation which pulls me into it's orbit incessantly, because part of the only value I've ever managed to unerringly assign myself is my willingness to be stubborn in all life. Even when I accept something is never going to work and I'm trying in total vain, I'll push against it anyway because of some misguided ideal that rewards the blunt force of 'stubbornness' in my head by transforming it into a phantom called 'perseverance'. Call it the P word and suddenly is sounds like some heroic feat of man, to strive in the face of adversity, but strip it away to what it is and the truth lays itself bare: it's just nasty and cannibalistic and distressing. That relief which most who enjoy these types of games seek is horrendously shortlived for me, because Stubbornness isn't about succeeding, it's about struggling, and when there's nothing left to struggle against it just leaves me feeling empty.

At the end of the day this all funnels back to something I've touched on briefly in this blog, my personal depression bug. (Oh that wily little worm!) Total diminishment of self worth is a common symptom and I have other ways of seeing myself through bad patches than video games. In fact, for the really bad patches I can't even bring myself to play videogames. But sometimes I get into these cycles where a few of the games I play are feeding me into these cold, bitter cycles of finding dredging up ever more inferiorities and hammering them deeper and deeper into my skull. Through no fault of the games in question, I hasten to add, but my own self-poisoning mentality. But then I get struck with the sense that the very partition between the real world and the game world is allowing my demons to exorcise themselves in that fantasy space thus giving me the chance to be my normal muted self in the real world. God knows how terrible I'd feel if I became the sort of person who lashed out at others because of their depression. We like to think that's never the sort of person we'd be, but I just don't know sometimes.

So that's the sort of thing which bumbles about my skull in this crappy, cold, dark time of year we call Christmas, if you need any concrete evidence for why I bitterly hate this time of year. Also, I've had a cold all last week, so that doesn't help matter none either. But I don't wish to sound like a totally hopeless bitter old shrew or anything, and in fact merely going over this in my head (or spelling it on on digital paper) works wonders in shifting perspective in my head on seeking a healthier dopamine distribution in this silly little noggin. Whatsomore, the positive attitude helps me perform a tiny bit better somewhat. Heck, I just served up the Pure Vessel twice in a row. (Is that enough to take the Pantheon plunge? Maybe I need a bit more practice runs first...)