One of my favourite weird E3 moments came from the year that Gearbox held a conference with absolutely nothing ready to show in it just so that Randy Pitchford could highjack the presentation in order to demonstrate his childlike glee in visiting a movie set under the guise of marketing for an upcoming video game tie in movie. I mean, you might have mistaken it for actual marketing from the way his amateurish home movie was slid into an impressively expensive-to-reserve marketing event, but you merely have to actually watch the footage to witness how he didn't have permission to show anything off, from characters to sets to props, and the only interview was with the single most unprepared-looking Kevin Hart I've ever witnessed. I don't know why Randy wanted this to be the first people had heard of the Borderlands movie outside of muted 'rumours' in industry reports, but I'll bet he absolutely didn't expect it to be the last anyone ever heard of it.
But in the multiple lifetimes it's been since that event, we've evolved into our next age of species, colonised Alpha Centuri and are in the process of conferring the entire species' consciousness into the shell of the all-powerful Infinity Machine which will scatter our souls into the ephemeral collective where time and space will bend to the almighty power of emotional manifestation- the true end-game of reality: (or something, the past few years have been mostly a blur to be honest) we ain't heard jack about this Borderlands movie. And that really is something to call out as being excessively weird, given the fact that this is not a game we're talking about. Video game production can take upwards of 5 years nowadays when we're talking about big productions- in order to make the crème-of-the-crop of games. Movies hardly ever get more than a few months in production and it very much looked like Borderlands was in the middle of the filming stages when we saw it. So what gives?
Actual living human beings actually got the chance to see the thing, is apparently what happened. Those that were wondering why it is Randy seemed soul-cursed not to point his camera at a single interesting thing during his home-movie share session, perhaps that's because capturing any of this stuff on film creates pure visual acid, or at least I'm assuming that's the reason why the entire movie was ground to a production halt after test screenings. Of course, we speak now in the stricken tongue of rumours and conjecture, punishable by death in several dozen jurisdictions, but lacking the affirmative warmth of official word the murmurs become the word of god. What we know with a bit more certainty is that the original director Eli Roth, has been snatched away from the corporeal world and into the shadowlands in order to make way for Deadpool alumni Tim Miller for reshoots.
Any production that loses it's director is already circling the dark pit of the abyss, staring into the swirling murky nothing and feeling it's eyes staring longingly back- and such a set up rings especially worrisome when the director can't even be present to help shoot these things. Now if we put on the bunny masks and waltz into the oblivious ignorance of wonderland we might pretend that Roth was simply busy in his high-flying life as a famous director, and Miller stepped in to 'help a brotha out'. But our world is less cuddly than that, it's edges come sharper and more frequent. Roth's output was simply not to the standards of the money givers and prospective money makers, at this point we can pretty much consider movies that go through such fundamental changes 'in-process salvage missions', driven by hope-against-hope that this one doesn't end in implosion.
Although to be fair to Randy, perhaps this is the best possible result he could hope for befalling his franchise, that is if he loves it as much as he claims. Is not the lot of parents to cling tightly to children best set free? To insist you still have all the facilities to know what is best for those that have clearly outgrown you? To continue keeping the writing for Borderlands entirely in house despite the fact that Telltale delivered a hilariously comedic epic narrative adventure in 'Tales From the Borderlands' and the best you can cobble together is... Borderlands 3's script? (Blearg) We know that Randy was apparently well married to the production of this film and Gearbox wanted to make sure it was 'true to the spirit of the games', and I'm sorry: that alone is a recipe for disaster.
Let me poor the cold waters of truth down on those likely not ready to hear it- are you ready? Borderlands isn't really all that funny. In general. I know, it's a comedy shooter franchise built around the core pillars of being funny and badass, preferably in the same scenes, but Gearbox have struggled to balance that rope and by this point have actually failed more than they've succeeded. I've got nothing against companies who find their footing for writing and identity as the years go by, I think the early Divinity games are painfully unfunny when they desperately try to be, whereas Original Sin 1 and 2 are quite honestly polite chuckle inducing at times. (Perhaps even chortle inducing.) But whereas Larian have only improved, Gearbox have...bounced about.
Borderlands 1's humour is juvenile and unsophisticated, it might just entertain an early teenager, but otherwise it's setups are obvious, it's shocks are tame and it's punchlines unimaginative. You can actually track the writing slowly getting more refined and experimental in it's topics. Secret Armory of General Knox actually has some great jokes. Borderlands 2 was the fire in the bottle moment. Pitch perfect protagonist, brilliantly casted and devilishly funny in that manner you love to hate. Handsome Jack brought the game to life with his apparent unshakable self-belief being slowly twisted into an unhinged desperate fury as you start stripping everything away from him throughout the course of the narrative- This was the top of Gearbox's rollercoaster. And as with every apex, what follows are slopes. Nothing, not even Borderlands 2's own DLC, has come nearly as close to the perfection that Borderlands 2 reached, not at least 3, which is why I find the prospect of an action comedy movie written in conjunction with the Borderlands team frankly nausating.
But perhaps their is light at the end of the tunnel. Perhaps with extensive screenwrites and script-doctoring from expensive and talented writers, the movie producers might manage to salvage some- hmmm? Oh right, there's a Writer's strike on, isn't there! Whelp, I guess at this point we can only pray this film goes the way of the Batgirl movie and is filed away in an unmarked warehouse in Area 51, right between the Crystal Skulls and the Ark of the Covenant. God knows if this film ends up anyway like the rumors suggest, viewing it will surely prove just as fatal as opening the Ark was for the Nazis. Face melting, skin withering, head exploding- that poor audience will end willing to resort to anything that saves them from another short joke in a Kevin Hart movie. (And Jamie Lee Curtis was brought on to play Tannis? Urgh, just thinking about this potential movie gives me a headache...)
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