Nintendo are scary

 Nintendo is Weird

Nintendo is supposed to be the happiest place on earth... wait- actually that doesn't sound right... Well, Nintendo is supposed to be a bastion of childlike mirth and innocence at the very least. A repertoire of creative love-imbued high-polish games that bring people together in party mechanics or excite the mind with wild adventures that travel to the highest peaks of imagination. They're a soft edged company in the perception of their appearance, catering always for that underserved sector of the gaming industry who tend to be younger or less violent and dramatic than the Xbox and Playstation fans of the world. And you might be forgiven for believing that perception reflected somewhat on the company behind the mask- but of course you would be dead wrong for making such an assumption. Because Nintendo are no meek-mannered gentle uncles- they're tyrannical monsters.

Surviving at the height they have for as long as they have, you would expect a children's game company like Nintendo to have hardened just that little bit- but every now and then, when Nintendo stirs from the throne-like a lion at the head of it's pride, we catch the glint of their razor sharp claws and gulp like bound and primed gazelle's caught in the crosshairs of the midday sun. And make no mistake, we, as consumers, customers and fans; are the prey to Nintendo's fury. Just because people out there love and revere the works of the big N, does not mean those people are any more significant in the cold yellow eyes. In fact, given their conduct, I'd think it much more likely that Nintendo find themselves actively disgusted by those who become attached to their products; as though the wisps of unrequited love are themselves deeply revolted by the heartless stone guardians of the Nintendo pantheon.

I mean afterall, we're still living in an age where Nintendo will, on a dime, randomly lash out at content creators on Youtube for making videos about their games in a manner not exactly in line with how they wish. I'm not talking about trailer reuploads or 'OST Compilations', (even if Nintendo have a painfully bad track record of compiling those OSTs in their own time) I'm talking about the actual fans who build Nintendo loving communities. Just the other day we heard about a Youtuber who had all their Zelda content struck off their channel in the lead-up to the release of 'Tears of the Kingdom'- seemingly a reaction to the fact he occasionally hosted some harmless looks at rudimentary 'Breath of the Wild' mods- that itself being akin to the most heinous sin for Nintendo.

Not so long ago we heard another story in a similar vein, where Nintendo's irrational fear of anyone playing a Nintendo game in a way not explicitly expected by the team reared up in a bizarre fashion. Two hosts of a Nintendo internet fan show, officially licenced by the team, proposed a Nuzlocke challenge Pokémon series for views and were nearly defenestrated from the building for their hubris. Nuzlocke, a simple challenge without any modifications whatsoever where players simply eject every knocked-out Pokémon from their party instead of reviving them, (with some other flavour rules thrown in their for extra challenge) poses no threat to Nintendo or the sanctity of their published software- but it does demonstrate some form of love for Nintendo products- which I guess upper management over there interprets as an act of war.

Speedrunning is another side of gaming culture that Nintendo would kill in a fire if they legally could. Again, Speedrunners don't actually change anything about the games they play- they don't edit the gamefiles most of the times- they just race each other to complete games as quickly as possible. Of course, Speedrunning does, by it's very nature, lead to the discovery and exploitation of glitches which breaks Nintendo's number one rule: 'Don't have fun in ways we didn't explicitly intend'! I also expect that Nintendo get bothered whenever they see an industry that makes any sort of monetary gain for playing games that they published without them ever seeing a hint of that income- even though Speedrunners can hardly pay to sustain themselves off the odd glitch bounty here and there. But Nintendo aren't exactly nuanced, now are they?                                                                                                                                                                                             

And then there's the tournament scene. Super Smash Bros. has been holding home-grown tournaments for as long as the game franchise has been breathing, and Nintendo have been spitting fire on them ever since. Despite the oodles of passion that goes into making every Smash Bros. packed with layers upon layers of intricacies and heighted skill ceilings to master; in Nintendo's eyes these are party games and any effort to create a competitive community is a direct violation of their moralistic code. And if you think I'm exaggerating- just take a look at all the events over the years that Nintendo have directly attempted to supress or even shut down; with the latest example nearly tearing apart the hard-built competitive circuit that fans, entirely independent of Nintendo's help, built entirely out of their love for the game being played. Wow, what vast threats to the brand.

Which brings us to those that really do irk Nintendo; such as those hackers who were discovered doing the terrible crime of jail-breaking Nintendo Switches and selling those consoles on. They made a pretty penny, and paid with it with their entire life. (Pretty much) The ringleader of this collective was served a 40 month prison sentence which, upon completing, is going to be merely the start of a lifelong servitude as a wage slave of Nintendo as this man will surrender 20% of his revenue to the big N until he dies. If they got their way, Nintendo would have probably had the man tarred and feathered before being set on fire. This is the true face of the friendly plumber company and it's cadre of family-first party games. They are tyrannical, they are vicious, and they are vindictive.

Time and time again the very draconian efforts of the Nintendo company have either creeped out fans or squashed the growth of dedicated communities altogether, and still we run to them because there are no alternatives. Here's one; stop indulging them! But that'll never happen. Unless the entire company falls from grace as completely as Ubisoft regularly does, (god forbid) we'll always be putting up with a long line of downright antagonisms against their community with impunity; because that's the power of being at the top. Who could have possible guessed that their history being forever tied with the gambling profiting of Japanese organised crime, the Yakuza, would still be colouring the 'family friendly' video game company to this very day! Actually... I guess that makes sense from that perspective, doesn't it?