Sewer Diving

 NFT = Bad

Are you tired of this? I mean deeply, in your actual tissue and sinew, wrapped against your very soul, don't you feel a deep exasperation whenever the topic of Non-Fungible Tokens rears it's way into the news cycle? In the day it used to be the hip and trendy new buzzword, with the sceptics simply being behind-the-times relics shouting at windmills and waving a mournful fist at the unstoppable wave that is the future. But what are we now? I guess we're the green blades of grass among the fields of millions who stare on in laconic amusement at the squabbling squirrels that make up the modern NFT market. It's a badly kept secret that the entire industry is held-up by wash-trading, around which every new 'renewal' project that is meant to spark the world back into loving the NFT trend shapes up to be much the same as the relighting of the First Flame with Dark Souls' famous Kiln. Each rebirth bursts less and less until the final dwindling splutter signals a flame prolonged too long, ready and far too eager to finally die.

But don't tell that to the holders of the famous Moneky NFTs. One of the first and most successful grifts, Yuga labs managed to ride along the frontal wave of this 'new tech' for far longer than they really should have, considering the alleged origins behind their motivation and ideas. Bored Ape Yatch Club (to misquote and bastardised Tennyson) am become a name, for always grifting with a greedy heart, Much have they seen and known, scams, rug-pulls and shockingly blatant racist dog whistles, themselves not least but honoured of them all. As such, one would have thought they would cool off on the rhetoric and noise and maybe make a quick exit out the back door with all the millions secured. But in a way I guess they've grown too big now, haven't they? The Yuga labs team is well known and out there, at this point running with the millions would be an even bigger hassle than just sticking around and sucking the life out of the stragglers until they all fizzle up.

As with everyone else with their brains stuck on a 2021 loop, Yuga are in production of their own Metaverse nowhere project, resplendent with low-quality pitch conceptuals and endless stumbling propositions for interconnected weaving games. I still remember their 'Otherside' MMO project which, of course, led itself with a 'landsale' for in-game plots before ever discussing the related game people were supposedly buying said-deeds for. (Because apparently no one has ever heard of ArcheAge or the genuine space shortage that games which sell land always come up against. Or heck, how about real life? We have that problem there too!) That grift ended in heart break and wallet break to the tune of supposed millions. So yeah, Yuga definitely seem like the kind of company competent enough to keep spending capital and time begging to, wouldn't you say?

Which brings us to their first 'new idea' of 2023. An actual gaming event tied to the Bored Ape Brand that would tie together the key marketing pillars of irreverence, blockchain integration and love of video games all up in one blow-out limited time 'competition' with monetary prizes! (Although that is blockchain money, so take that for what little it's worth.) Yuga labs devised for it's audience a small competition based around their ability to compete in an- endless runner? (Hey, I guess everyone's gotta start somewhere, right? At least this game was playable.) And, in an effort to keep explanations as simple as possible, those who ran through the game and ended up getting a high score (actually I think the rules dictate rewards for any score above 0- so I guess everyone is kind of a winner to some degree) would be awarded an NFT of comparative value which they could then sell to... well, themselves I guess; because the pool of NFT investors is so incestuous at this point the stakeholders are beginning to develop webbed toes.

Of course you have to give Yuga Labs money in order to make money is this Monkey Jpeg dominated future of ours; and as such you are only allowed to join in on this game if you have a Bored Ape already or purchase a second-hand ticket off an ape owner. Or a mutant Ape holder. Of course, having a doggo attached to that ape also increases the relative value of the invitational ticket, a ticket which provides a bonus on the score you earn in the game. If that made any remote sense to you whatsoever, please contact me so you can take over writing this blog because relaying that just made me want to curl up and cry. The point of all this was to drum up hype again about the money making potential of blockchain gaming, a concept that has been laughed at and mocked consistently by just about half the world at this point. If Yuga could pull one successful event where it's supporters made some serious, news worthy, gains; why, that would be the lion roar rally cry this prospective industry needed to get off that ground floor slump!

So of course they screwed it up. One might charitably ask what the team were thinking when they tied success in a simple endless runner game to actual potential real-world reward- especially given that their 'game' was being marketed exclusively to Monkey NFT holders; people who are already in this industry looking for get-rich-quick opportunities for the smallest amount of investment possible. And the truth is that they didn't think, or at least they believed themselves shrewd denough to be able to pick apart the bad apples from the bunch. But what do you do when it's not the crop which is rotten, nor the stem, nor the yield, but the entire decrepit vineyard? What do you do then: studio named after a miniscule side character from Zelda that no one remembers?

People cheated and they cheated hard. Services were chucked about for bot runners to get the highest possible score, straight-up high-score manipulation with the (as of yet unconfirmed) accusation of internal corruption, and cheaters impersonating other players in order to get their scores pulled from the leaderboard. And you know what? Despite all that the 'Sewer Pass' grift made Yuga over 10 million dollars; because we live in The Bad Place, everybody. You can expect this lazy mess of an event to go on and spark up a trend of like-wise fund raising for every two-bit mess of a 'crypto video game' in a desperate bid to suckle off the remnants of Yuga's success, because for a sub-industry that cries about how 'innovative' and 'forward thinking' it is; these projects don't half love to ape each other. (Oh, look at that: I said 'Ape'. I didn't even mean to do that!)

Dookie Dash, as the hilarious, so-funny, I'm crying laughing, game was called: is now over and done with, and in it's wake the Yuga team have the profits and encouragement to push more similar events in their diseased little cesspit they call a community. My only personal solace in this dire circumstance is that the affected probably deserve it. I know, 'what a horrible thought to have', but if I can't laugh at the people with too much money on their hands sinking their entire identities into some already-relic of a movement then I'm just going to cry about the state of the world. At the very least let us all agree to do everything in our collective powers to keep news of this event away from anyone who works at Ubisoft, else the fate of the next Tom Clancy entry will be irrevocably sealed.