Five Nights movie?

 He's not stuck in there with them...

I feel like everyday I'm asking 'have I mentioned this before' but given that I've literally been writing these blogs for over a year straight, you can forgive me if it feels like every thought I've ever had has somehow made it's way onto these Internet pages. Due to sheer volume of content, I cannot personally confirm for certain wherever or not that's the case  (too much material to go over) and thus I inquire; have I mentioned my interest in the Five Nights franchise yet? I feel like I must have, afterall there was recently a new game announcement at the PS5 reveal event that I covered, but I don't know if I adequately impressed on you how much this franchise both irks and inspires me. That may sound a little over-dramatic, but let me explain.

Five Nights at Freddy's represents the last hail-mary attempt for an artist, Scott Cawthon, to bring some success out of his work. He achieved it by taking a failed former venture and switching it's greatest failing into the selling point of his new game. That being the way in which the terrifyingly dead-looking humanoid animals work so much better in a horror setting than... whatever the heck his old game was. (I've never seen a single human who's actually played it.) And from that one new game came runaway success, fame, endless sequels, incomprehensive storytelling and a movie deal. This one indie dev managed to turn his entire life around pretty much by accident and I love how that's a story we can tell in the gaming industry. Scott himself seems like a decent enough guy too, so I don't feel gross talking about his good fortunes. But it's that movie deal which concerns me today.

You see, that is an incredible step up from nothing, for a game to become a phenomenon that a studio actually wants to make a movie of!(Albeit, several years after the crescendo of the game's hype) You could hardly dream of such a turn around. And what's more, the concept actually sort of works! We're talking about a story covering a haunted pizzeria wherein the animatronic hosts come to life at night and hunt down any who remain there. It's a story about an innocent location loved by children turned into a horrific nightmarish survival battleground; what a perfect premise for a horror movie! It's not like the oncoming Uncharted movie which proposes to literally turn a franchise born from a homage to a legendary film, back into a film. Or even the Metal Gear Solid movie which is going to bring a 2 hour time limit to a concept that revolves around Stealth and discussions that can go up to thirty minutes in themselves. (Both horrible ideas) If Five Nights takes only the concept and nothing else, there's plenty of room for a genuinely great horror experience to be born here. (If not exactly fresh)

Maybe that's why next month Screen Media is very much attempting to beat that movie to the punch with a shameless 'inspired by' take on the concept starring Nicholas Cage. Yes, that Nicholas Cage. (Is there any other?) To be fair, the actual Five Nights movie has been hit with so many false starts that I wouldn't be surprised if the thing never makes it to theatres, (Or streaming, whatever) especially as Scott Cawthon seems to jump back and forth about how much he wants these little bits of media to crossover with one another, so someone else swooping in to steal the idea feels appropriate. (Or rather 'inevitable', if not exactly 'appropriate') Because you know what they say; Power hates a vacuum and all that baloney. So without further ado let me introduce you all to shameless rip- I mean 'Willy's Wonderland'.

Yes, there is a trailer and I recommend that you watch it. (I surmise that it'll be about as enjoyable as the movie itself. If not a little more.) Right away there's a big question that one will be struck with entering this premise, and that's how the heck anyone is supposed to believe in and immerse themselves in this story with Nicholas Cage in a starring role. Not to denigrate the man or his acting talent, but Cage is just such a force in every single movie he's ever been a part of, his presence simply overwrites any sort of tension that they'll attempt to set up. And the solution is thus; they seemed to have drained horror out of the DNA of the film (or at least 'sheer' horror; it looks like some slapstick horror might stick around) and they have instead deemed to make the film about Cage's character. Clever move, if simultaneously heavily questionable.

Even as we see the restaurant (Which actually seems to share more in common with Chuck E Cheese than Freddy Fazbear) and see the animatronics come to life, there's no question that ol' Nicky, playing the janitor, is the star of the show. Think about that, you have giant walking animatronics that come to life and try to kill you, yet the janitor is the one who steals the show. Props too, for the creative team to actually step away from the slightly more important 'security guard' roll which almost every protagonist in the original games occupied, just to highlight the absurdity of the position by making our hero a janitor instead. (Not 'ingenious' writing by any stretch of the imagination, but appreciative shrug worthy.) I'm honestly somewhat okay with this approach as is does set on a tone of slapstick over seriousness which may just differentiate it from the real Freddy movie which, as far as we know, is still taking itself seriously.

I did note that the trailer seemed curiously devoid of gore, which seems odd for a modern horror movie, and it feels like Cage hasn't got the chance to be as crazy as he wants to. And I am making that statement despite the fact the trailer shows him beating an Ostrich over the head with a broken broomstick. (Maybe I'm just having trouble shaking the memory of Mandy from my head. In that continuity he would have just gouged the thing.) Also, it must be said, Willy looks dumb. He's the orange weasel that we don't see a great deal of in the trailer, but that which we do see makes him just look like the least intimidating animatronic ever. I think it's the excess of fur in his design which makes him look cuddly, or maybe just the long neck. (Long necks don't work on scary monster designs, just ask the original Predator.) Freddy and his gang stand out due to their emotionless and unapproachable statuesque look, and I don't feel an inch of that for these guys. (But then I am biased.)

At the end of the day I cannot rail against the movie without granting it one applause; the movie is actually real. (As opposed to the official product which is feeling ever more like vapourware) Were this my project I would have certainly turned it into an unbashed bloodbath and sought out the most stomach turning death scenes imaginable, but it seems I'm in the minority because this movie looks practically PG. (Okay, there are some moments with gratuitous amounts of that incredibly black-looking blood that horror movies like so much, but that never hits the same, you know?) Maybe, against all odds, this might turn out as a half decent flick and prove my significant doubts completely wrong, but if it does; I think we already know it'll be because of the man, myth and legend on the posters.