Hogwarts Legacy Review

Just because you can exterminate darkness, that doesn't mean that you should.

I am a millennial. That is my charge and my punishment. And being that most cursed of generations, just below or above Gen Z depending on who's doing the judging, it is pretty much a given that I have sat down and consumed the conglomerate mega-titan that is Harry Potter within my lifetime. Either by reading the books or watching the movies, everyone of my age bracket found themselves hopelessly bewitched by the tales of J.K. Rowling to such a degree that I know for a fact many of my contemporaries (and myself) found themselves severely upset when they reached the age of 11 and their Owl did not arrive. I was a reader, consuming the entire book series through at least twice, but I was enough of a Potter addict to watch most of the movies as well. (Still haven't seen Deathly Hallows Part 2) As well as play all of the move tie-in games that I could get my grubby little mitts on, of course.

But even with all the might of the media conglomerate machine that was the Harry Potter empire in it's prime, there was always this ever present longing wrought in my flesh wanting to be closer to the world of Potter. To climb into the pages of the book and live the world of attending 'Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry'. As with any good fiction, those urges transcended the realm of imagination and clung like a fever throughout the years. Games are typically the medium to feed and relieve such stresses- but Harry Potter games did have an unfortunate tendency to be... move tie-ins. To be fair, the Potter games were better than your typical tie-in trash that other movie franchises subjected the industry to- but I wouldn't call any one Harry Potter video game itself exceptional. The first two are classics, no doubt; but more for the nostalgic connotations than the strengths of their fibre.

When Hogwarts Legacy was announced, first as a rumoured MMO than later as a single player RPG, all the words seemed to fit perfectly into place to describe the sort of game every Potter fan wanted, even if they didn't realise it. Free open world exploration of Hogwarts? Putting my own character in the game and experiencing the process of learning magic? Progressing along several lines of deep RPG levelling systems to create a wizard or witch unique to us? Why, that's something the Harry Potter games, by definition as adaptations, could never have offered us! To say that expectations surrounding the delivery of this game were high seems like a gross underestimation- perhaps it would be more apt to label them Everest-ian. As in- only the absolute best of the best could so much as dream of reaching the peaks necessary to pay off the promise of that pitch.

And yet for whatever twisted reason it would appear that I had faith in the team at Avalanche Software from the word go. That's the only way I can explain why I decided to pre-order the game from the moment I saw it hit store fronts, an action I never do unless I'm sure of the quality of the product. With Hogwarts Legacy however, I was disquiet. I wanted to believe in the hype train the community was riding, but at the same time I kept hearing disappointing blows to the image of the 'full immersion Hogwarts experience' that I dreamed of. It would only be focusing on a Fifth Year instead of running the gambit from First to Seventh, there would be no playable Quidditch, lessons would be events rather than obligations, there would be no house points system, and for perhaps the first time in the entire franchise- chocolate frogs wouldn't be collectibles! (The horror!) When the date finally arrived, I'll admit I did my best to temper my excitements with the realities fed to us.

Today not only is the game out, but I have played it from start to finish- completing enough of the game to have experienced every activity the game offers and actually coming a few shy hairs of 100%-ing the whole thing: which I don't typically do. With that level of experience I can properly introduce Hogwarts Legacy as an open world game mechanically in the same vain as those checklist Ubisoft open worlds that have become the bane of the industry, and yet this specimen comes doused with some curious splashes of personality to such a degree that the material is elevated above it's station. Until I reached the literal final few hours of play I never felt the chore aspect of being waylaid from a mission objective in order to solve a Merlin Puzzle, or hunt after a Field Guide Page that I heard tinkle on the edge of my Revelio cast; I enjoyed the chase, even more so than the rewards. 

I think the key to why exploration works is a key point to focus on when it comes to Hogwarts Legacy, because when I strip the package away to it's core most USP: (Unique Selling Point) I land on the prospect of exploring one of the most legendary fictitious locations in cinema and modern literature. That alone cannot really be understated because, obvious though it might seem to say, before this game Hogwarts never really existed. I mean of course it existed within our minds, built from the power of wordcraft and the magic of movie sets, but between neither of them was a coherent and cohesive layout of a place ever established. It almost seems adversarial to the castle itself to try and limit it's dimensions to any sort of comprehensive degree. Almost as though if I could rationalise the place, it's many halls, indecisive staircases and endless dozens of secrets, the magic of imagination that bought the place to life would fade from the stones. Like the anti-Tinkerbell, believing in the place felt like it would be the death of it. Overcoming that feeling took a very special ingredient which I think this game packs in droves: personality.

Creating a vast fictional Scottish castle sitting atop a lake is one thing, but imbuing the layout, colours, residents and furniture with the personality of Hogwarts would take nothing less than a team possessed by the demanding demon of exacting detail. It would take the mechanical excellence to visualise the work of the movie and slot it together in a way that made sense and was intuitive to play through. The bravery not to scale down on the task, but to commit to cramming the castle's every nook and cranny somewhere into the explorable game world. And of course the creativity and initiative to design a plethora of random encounters between rabble-rousing students, duelling attic ghosts, one banister-sliding poltergeist and a now-famous pair of sentient suits of armour- in order to breathe a degree of life into those halls.

I can happily report that the achievement of Hogwarts alone is every bit the wonder I hoped it to be, and that when I bought the game expecting the worst I had convinced myself the price of admission would be worth it for the virtual tour of Hogwarts alone and I still stand true to that assessment. I understand it's another symptom of irrational nostalgia to get all fuzzy-hearted when walking out into that courtyard where Professor Umbridge would one day aggressively eject Trelawney from the castle, just before walking out across that famous crooked bridge atop which Ron would one day turn around and say "Who are you and what did you do to Hermione Granger?" I have these memories close to that pale diseased throbbing thing I keep locked behind my lungs, and their warmth responds to seeing these locations faithfully brought to digital life with a fluttering whimsy probably unique to others like myself. I understand if that doesn't quite translate to the older generation who approach this game, nor the newer, but I can recognise that twinkle in the eye of another around my age who spots that one special moment they remember so well because in that moment they, like me, get it.

Of course, for whatever reason this digital tour game had an RPG attached to the package, so I might as well get around to reviewing that as well, eh? Right away the first thing the game places in front of the player... is actually the accessibility options screen. (They just shove those options right in your noggin, it's quite the jumpscare.) But after that we get to character creation and as far as finally realising my dream of being my own Wizard in the Harry Potter mythos- the customizer if fine. Nothing great, but better than Destiny. The character models themselves all look exceptionally high quality, which is good considering the player character's mug is slapped centre screen for the majority of the run time, but I was very surprised about the apparent lack of body size options. (My dreams of roleplaying as Gandalf Cartman have been shattered!)

However as far as 'Role Playing' goes, character customisation- which extends to wand choice, picking your house and later playing fashionista, seems to be the extent to which the developers wanted to explore that genre. (Outside of the levelling tree.) If you're hoping to mould the personality of your unique Witch or Wizard through branches of meaningful choices that have rippling consequences throughout the runtime- you're going to be caught very dry. What few choices the game provides are largely inconsequential or simply just mission reward extortion choices that also don't appear to have any consequences. Nearer the end you do get a few choices, some that actually would have an impact if this game had any sort of epilogue showing them off, but I suppose that empty space is being left open for the sequel that Warner Bros. seems very enthused to embark on already.

From the outset of the narrative you are introduced as a late-inductee fifth year to Hogwarts, and just like your character the game very much expects you to catch up to the pace of the plot without much prior explaining. You would have thought that the writers would use the excuse of a new kid haphazardly thrust into the world of Wizards and Witches to deftly introduce them, and the players, to the state of the wizarding world in the 1800's. (A setting totally alien to all Potter fans before this game) But instead we get a rather hasty "Follow me and figure it out" style introduction. It was about five hours into the game before I accepted a side quest in which a goblin character was kind enough to lay out who this villainous Ranrok even was and his whole deal. Which seems a bit like a misstep for the storytellers. Shouldn't I know the most basic details of the main villain- what is this, Dark Souls? (These references are getting out of hand. I'm going to have to get a 'Miyazaki' jar in my room if this keeps up.) 

Exploring the world and trying to piece together the basic lore are only two pillars of the Hogwarts Legacy package: Combat is the third. Hogwarts Legacy uses a vaguely Arkham inspired system of attack and response with basic casting, blocking and rolling: It's a deceptively simple set-up that can quickly spiral into chaos when surrounded by 15 goblins all chucking arrows and slashing for your throat! Where the systems blossom out a bit is with the specific named spells that you can learn throughout the game by attending school quests and completing cleverly designed 'school assignments' that nudge the player to try out newly introduced systems in combat or open world exploration tasks. These spells are pretty much the lifeblood pumping through the combat system which makes fighting an army of wizards feel so alive and dynamic.

Spells are freely mapped to a four-piece quick select (with further quick select options unlocked in the RPG tree) and operate on a cool-down timer; to compensate, these spells all have thematically appropriate unique effects on opponents in battle. Accio summons enemies to float helplessly before you, Depulso does the exact opposite- sending those same enemies flying, Arresto Momentum pauses them in a brief stasis, Diffindo shoots violent slices through the air; all these spells operate in a unique fashion. Now at first the only purpose of these spells is really to break through specific magical 'Protego' variants on enemies, which are handily colour coded with the 'category' of spell needed to shatter them. But as you become more powerful and unlock more talents some of these spells become specifically useful to certain situations requiring an almost intrinsic knowledge of which spell is mapped to which slot in which set of quick spells.

For example, Descendo is used to pick up enemies and slam them roughly into the ground, however you can also use it on a giant spider at the moment it rears up its head for an unblockable attack in order to take advantage of it's momentum and bury it's head in the ground, rendering it completely stunned for a flurry of free hits. The giant toads can be caught in the middle of their jabbing tongue attack with a quickly timed 'Levioso' which suspends them by that appendage, and if you follow that up with a cruelly timed Diffindo you'll slice right through that suspended tongue pretty much instantly killing them. These dynamic combat opportunities don't readily present themselves with handy button prompts or scripted action sequences, but are rather encouraged with dynamically spawning combat challenges and left up for the player to discover and exploit; conferring a sense of real intuitive ingenuity when you pull them off.

Of course, like all games with a combat style of it's ilk, Hogwarts Legacy does feature it's own 'press to do cool thing' meter; and this time around it's called the 'Ancient Magic' skill. Ancient Magic is essentially a finisher move built up by securing a combo in the tens and then collecting the glowing particles that shoot out of the enemy as a result. (which is a little bit of a clunky way to fill a special meter in my opinion, I shouldn't have to break my combat flow to work up towards a finisher.) The reward is a flashy and exciting burst of 'Ancient Magic' which can do anything from summon a bolt of lightning on the enemies heads to permanently polymorphing them into poultry, to just straight blasting them off into the middle distance. All mostly horrifically lethal ways for a school child to handle their battles, but as long as there's no blood (and there isn't) we can just brush by the brutality of it all. (Although some of the post combat flavour text does imply that we are knowing and happily killing these goblins and dark wizards. There's no Yakuza-level "As long as I don't acknowledge they're definitely dead, then maybe they're not!" No, these fools are buried.) 

Now one of my favourite aspects of the Hogwarts Legacy package is the fact that the very same diversity in combat I boasted about thanks to the variety of spells, is present in exploration thanks to these same, versatile, spells. The checklist open world of Hogwarts Legacy is littered with puzzles and challenges that all require understanding and manipulation of your spell list to conquer, and most of the time whenever you're up against these challenges the game has enough faith in it's systems and how it has introduced them to the player for it to just leave us without any hints or overly telegraphed solutions. Some of these puzzles, between the Merlin Trials and the Magic hot spots, and even just some randomly dotted caves, feature really free-form puzzles to test your understanding of your magical toolkit, from figuring out where to levitate certain objects to become floating platforms, to working out what statues should be blasted apart and which should be repaired, to figuring out shadow-based locks and fire-urn patterns. (This world has a lot more puzzle variety than any Elder Scrolls game has boasted so far.) As a card-carrying Hitman lover, I simply adore that level of mutually shared player-developer trust. This is how open world games should handle puzzles.

Unfortunately, the rewards for a lot of these puzzles, or at least the puzzles not specifically tied to a Field Guide challenge to increase Ancient Magic slots or Inventory spots, tie into what I consider to be this game's weakest aspect: it's loot. Yes, Hogwarts Legacy features a looting system borrowed right out of Destiny or any number of those 'gear power level' styles of games with their endless pointless rarity systems and level-locked stat increases and bonus effects and more development effort then was really required to a system that adds nothing to the core experience. Hogwarts Legacy has mechanics for improving gear and slotting enchantments and all that 'Live Service' guff, but it's all functionally meaningless in action because the combat is already neatly balanced. You do appropriate damage to creatures your level and most every overworld enemy scales to your exact level anyway; rendering skill scores largely redundant. Occasionally you'll meet an open world boss who's scaled higher than you, but in those situations your little buff to your legendary school robes doesn't do much of anything- should you choose to engage in that fight, (And I suspect that the main campaign alone requires you to fight a few enemies far above your level) you're just in for a slog fest against a sponge-tank whether you like it or not.

The one aspect of loot which is worth collecting, however, is the fashion aspect of it. All loot is formed as clothing- (except for gold, some potions and some enchantments) and that clothing can be utilised to fashion your Hogwarts student however you wish. Lending itself appropriately to the theme, Hogwarts Legacy features a totally free 'Transmog' system so you can change the appearance of any piece of gear to look like any clothing item you've acquired in the past; and with dozens of some decently high quality and varied options to choose between, Legacy actually offers a surprisingly varied pool of customisation options, making the fashion aspect of loot more interesting than the gear stats. Some quests in the game seem to acknowledge how much more significant visual appeal is, with the recovery of some legendary piece of clothing rewarding the player with the Transmog option for that clothing rather than some quickly out-levelled hunk of gear itself. (The only annoying aspect of Transmog is that it doesn't transfer when you put on a new piece of gear which is a bit of a headache in a game that expects you to gear swap as often as this one.)

Whilst we're on the topic of 'weak points', I'd like to highlight one of the most annoying openworld elements being the 'Demiguise' collectibles and how 'Alohomora' works. The unlocking spell is frustratingly tied to the recovery of dozens of these tiny Demiguise statues that are scattered across the world inside and out of Hogwarts and can only be collected at night. I've scoured locations said to contain them, but because of how small they are even the Revelio charm seems to have trouble highlighting the things for collection, making them already a hassle to collect. Then when you get your reward, the ability to open locked doors, you'll be disappointed to learn that Alohomora is simply a gateway to a lockpicking minigame! The minigame itself isn't hard, but it's just a unnecessary roadblock to the progression of your spell-crafting process. Isn't the spell supposed to be doing the lock-picking for me? Why slow down exploration for the benefit of no one? 

At least the team made up for that with the freedom of traversal options, particularly that of the broom. The first time you get on the broom and zoom around Hogwarts with the swell of the orchestra, it really does hit on all the right notes to be a truly magical moment. That spectacle may not last, but the acute beauty of this game world from the skies does warrant an appreciative pause and nod even at that game's twilight hours. Truly, giving the players freedom to whip out that broomstick and take to the clouds at nearly any moment was the right decision. I only wish that some of the outdoor walkways at Hogwarts had more take-off and land options; its' annoying having to search for a courtyard to go sky surfing. As for the other modes of transport, flying mounts and ground mounts- pretty unremarkable, honestly. They're too slow to be worth it and the creatures don't display the level of personality that, say, Red Dead animals do- so I'm not as attached to my summonable Thestral as I am to my old-school broom.

But the creatures of this world do have a purpose other than riding thanks to the extensive 'Room of Requirement' metagame built alongside the rest of Hogwarts Legacy. This space for base building and potion crafting acts as more of a base of operations than the player's house common room does. (The common room is actually surprisingly underutilised throughout the whole game.) You can build spells to buff or heal you in combat, grow plants to whip out as consumable combat accessories or, yes, rescue magical creatures from poachers and store them in your 'Fantastic Beasts' inspired Vivarium. I do think the range of potions and plants available to the player is a little meagre, but combat already had enough going on I suppose, keeping potions and plants simple was probably a mindful exercise in restraint.

The Vivarium collection of creatures is really one of the larger side activities that Hogwarts Legacy has to offer, with the wider open world just covered in animal dens and poacher camps and questlines that touch on some of rarest magical creatures around. There's not so much depth that the player is ever at danger of being lost in these systems, and not quite enough rare and hidden magical monster for my tastes, but being able to care for and breed the creatures available is enough to feel appropriately involved in this aspect of the Wizarding world. Plus, interacting with a variety of cute beasts is fun in any game under any circumstance, which is probably why this game also features a 'pet' button for the many cats scattered across the world. (No dogs from what I saw. Guess the preference war landed with the felines this time around.) There is certainly room to expand upon this feature in a sequel, perhaps with greater creature variety or valid habitat preference, but what's there is entirely serviceable.

In narrative, Hogwarts Legacy attempts to pay homage to the source material with a largely mystery-based story revolving around just how special the player character is for some reason they don't quite understand. It's quite formulaic and lacks in surprise, and the villains have very pond-deep levels of depth about them- but neither really detracts from the true wonder: living out the life of Hogwarts. You'll meet and interact with a variety of students and teachers and come to really care about a few of your closet friends through questlines that are extensive and decently interesting. I found Natty's backstory to be quite heartfelt and charged and I think Sebastian's story is actually more interestingly written and executed than the main campaign itself! However the lack of a meaningfully defined main character for these well written characters to bounce off does make this emotional outpours feel a little one-sided a lot of the time. There's only so many times I can hear my character perform the "That's awful" platitude voice before it starts to grate at me. I also wish some of the teachers were better explored with their own questlines and backstories, as most don't really have any interactions with the player beyond their class. Of course, I also know there's a certain sector of the community who further wishes we got the chance to explore Professor Garlick a bit closer, if you catch my meaning.

In spectacle I think the main narrative does a fine job cementing itself in the moments it wants to, the extended puzzle dungeons were a little dry but the 'Deathly Hallows' storybook scene totally scrubbed the floor with the typical 'dream sequence' Ubisoft moment that every open world is beholden to since Far Cry 3. However the core questline stretches itself to last over the school year and many times the only excuse for putting the main story on the back burner is literally "I have an appointment in London so please put your destiny on hold until I get back" or "Give me a couple of months to research that painfully vague clue you were just given." Some of the companion side questlines borrow this formula too, and whilst format-wise I appreciate the way this approach relieves pressure on the player and permits them to go exploring, it feels like a lazy crutch for halting momentum and tension.

There are boss encounters in the game, but a lot of them are reused and lack any really creative element to them beyond animation sets; which seems almost criminal considering the amount of spells on hand in combat. Why not have a boss in an impenetrable metal encasing that can only be hurt once the metal is heated up, or a dive-bombing winged boss who needs to be forcibly dragged down to the ground atop their own payload in order to damage them? There is incredible potential for boss creativity that just goes utterly wasted and I'm genuinely shocked the team didn't bother go down this route even once. At least the final boss is memorable for mere spectacle alone- if the rest of the bosses had a bit more going on with them, I would have been largely happy with that as the finale anyway.

Now a topic I don't usually cover in these reviews is the technical issues, and that's because my computer is a relic from the Antebellum age and any issues I encounter are typically not representative of the general audience. That being said, I happen to know I'm not the only one who had to sit through a prolonged 'Shader Compiling' sequence whenever I launched the game. I know there's already a mod that skips it, but it's amazing to me that the shaders aren't locked in after the initial launch- and that we still get shader stutters in game! (Although the stutters might just be a me problem) The game also has some basic progression bugs in some of the questlines too, usually the ones that require a cell switch. Most of them can be worked around, the 'abandon quest' function is helpful for restarting after a sequence gets broken which I had to use once or twice; (Specifically with Sebastian refusing to spawn in the Undercroft on certain occasions.) but I wouldn't call such sporadic roadblocks 'endemic'.

Summary

Hogwarts Legacy is in many ways the game that we dreamt about playing in the highs of the Harry Potter age and yet in some other ways it still falls just that bit short of the perfect image we all imagined. What makes me so passionate about summarising it is simply that with everything the game commits to, in it's exploration, combat and side activities, the developers at Avalanche excelled in creating robust mechanics that feel fun to interact with and learn from. Playing through Hogwarts Legacy leaves me with the feeling that all the correct tools are in the toy box to create that legendary game, but the team literally just ran out of time to put it all together; which is a prospect that makes me ever so excited for the sequel that has all but been announced thanks to the runaway success of Hogwarts Legacy commercially. The game I played was genuinely great, but with a more daring narrative, greater choice and consequence, deeper side activities and more creative enemy design- I genuinely believe this series could reach sheer excellence on it's next go around. As it stands, the game I played will sing to people nostalgic of the source material, whilst probably falling just short of it's potential for those without those rose tinted spectacles equipped. Potter lovers have to buy this game, it's simply a must- but others should temper their expectation for an above-average open world title with some great ideas in some places and a few wanting ideas in others. Ultimately this makes for a difficult title to appropriately rate, which is why I would have to revert to the classic cheap-out of double scoring. Potter fans should treat this game with all the respect that an -A Grade demands, whilst others are probably looking at more of a B Grade game on my arbitrary and increasingly esoteric rating system. Hogwarts Legacy is one of those games I never dreamed would ever be made back in the day, so it feels almost callous to want for more still but I know the muddy bones of a potential masterpiece are buried in this solid game. Still, now I feel empowered to vie for the realisation of some of my other dream projects: fighting game that crossovers every single fictional pop-culture character in existence with appropriate power levels and embracing how broken that would be, when?

Thomas the Tank Engine

 Yeah, I'm talking about Thomas

What? Is there something weird about the big blue one showing up in my Blogs? He's one of the most beloved British cultural icons is he not? So iconic that people just gloss over the fact that he originates from a series of books absolutely not made solely about him called 'The Railway Series'. So Iconic that American children have grown up with a specifically dubbed version of the show, and somehow have no idea that the series is based around English culture despite their country owning a total shambles that they call an international railway. Thomas is so iconic that everyone from Ringo Starr to George Carlin has had their hand at either narrating the series or playing the live-action character 'Mr Conductor' introducing the show. Alec Baldwin was even in the movie, but I didn't know whether that was worth bringing up given recent events surrounding that guy.

Thomas is a symbol of youth in the western world then; but do you know what he isn't? He isn't present in the video game world in the slightest! Okay, there was a PC game made back in the early 2000's, but it wasn't exactly concept exploring to a high level. 'Thomas Saves the Day' is a 2003 game published by Atari that bares no resemblance whatsoever with the episode 'Thomas Saves the Day' from Season 8 Episode 6. It's dimensionally flat, pretty graphically unappealing and lacking in scope and vision. Did you really expect anything else? Every recent Thomas game from the past decade or so have all been cheap mobile apps, which doesn't make them bad necessarily; but it does denote the audience that they were made for. Is there no place for the original Bluey on modern home consoles in the slightest?

According to the modern slate of publishers apparently not. Thomas belongs only to the screen and the phone and nowhere demanding more substance and purpose; but somehow that feels just wrong to me. Are you seriously going to tell me that there's no potential for a child-focused game around driving and managing trains? I mean: you've got the Train Simulator franchise for adults that rakes in literally thousands through painful DLC plans; clearly there's a market for train-driving that can be scaled down for children. Plus, Thomas already comes ready packaged with a whole host of characters that teach life lessons such as "Follow your assigned path in life or else the Fat Controller will be disappointed in you and that would be tantamount to holy sacrilege in our bizarre train-religion." I'm pretty sure every Thomas moral can be summed up under that.

Say we were to be given a permissive licence to create our own game based on the recognisable brand of the Thomas licence. How exactly would you go about such a task? Well I'd first start by highlighting the audience myself. We've got young children, pre-teens, the kind for which educational games are the focus. (Not least of all because at their age the only way they'll get a game is if their parents will buy it for them. So making it 'Educational' is the only way to worm past the 'projective parent block'.) But educational doesn't necessarily mean boring and static. Basic logical puzzles, concise informational splash screens, creativity engaging challenges; can all be labelled under the 'educational' banner provided you present them correctly. But how do we translate that into the world of Sodor effective? Well, I have a few off-hand ideas I came up with during a fever dream last night. (Which, incidentally, is why I'm writing about this anyway.)

Thomas as a simulation train game seems like so much of a no-brainer I genuinely cannot fathom why it hasn't happened yet. Picking up passengers and delivering them all around Sodor across famous locations from the show that fans can recognise, probably with some generous flying track camera so people can enjoy exploring the world between trips- it's what this franchise was made to one day deliver. The only potential hang-up I can see would be the fact that the original show creators kept the to-scale map of Sodor fairly close to their chest for some unknown reason- but something has to give eventually, hasn't it? There would be endless potential for special unlockable routes to Misty Island or perhaps a one-off fare to the heart of the 'mainland'- and so many alternate trains of every type... this theoretical game would just burst with content!

But what if we wanted more of a structured experience? Well the idea of a quest-driven Train game seems a bit... constrained thanks to the natural limit of controlling a vehicle constantly affixed to rails, but given the long-term popularity of the franchise and it's characters I think there might actually be some intrinsic value for fans of the show to simply interact with the personalities that they love. The hoity pretentiousness of Gordon or the annoying trolling of the Troublesome Trucks alone would make a satisfying backdrop to a simulation of Sodor bringing the island to some sort of life. And if we affixed a few basic challenges, making certain deliveries, basic logistical puzzle solving, it could be marketed for a child audience that would pick it up as a well as adult fans who would forgive the less-than-complicated design elements. (Also, we would need to have a DLC voice pack for Cranky the Crane that gives him, and only him, the voice of Takaya Kuroda. Just because.)

To prototype, imagine a mission where Thomas is required to deliver a crate of items to a station for which the only approach is up a steep hill. As wagons all have some sort of weight, Thomas would be incapable of taking every wagon at once and thus would need to plan accordingly or swap with another engine with a more rigorous frame. Maybe even throw in a time constraint there to spice things up a little. Not exactly a match for the 'Demon of Hatred' from Sekiro, but a small physical puzzle that reinforces the concepts of limitations and specialisation and breaking down an overwhelming problem to be more manageable. We could have the player take over for the Fat Controller for a day, assigning appropriate engines to the right task and witnessing the chaos of incorrect assignments. And these are just ideas I've borrowed from the show itself, there's plenty of scenarios that only a game could get away with to fill up an idea like this with content.

Thomas is a beloved franchise that has been underserved for so very long in the gaming market and it's not for want of potential. One of the most interesting omissions in quality game development are small child focused games and I think the ingredient missing to really draw those forces in is the lack of a recognisable brand to rally behind. Thomas is not the only such property that could fill that void, but it is the one that I have a weird amount of ancillary knowledge about despite having never watched it as a child myself. (I have a baby brother, that's my excuse.) All I'm saying is that it's about time someone swings around to give TT games a run for their money- showing the world that Children and Games can mean something other than Lego. Occasionally. 

Spiderman Remastered on PC Review

 With great power comes a great game, it would seem.

Like many super-fans of my age, I grew with a pretty static vision of what the 'perfect Spider Man' game should be. A vision I carried with me so very far considering the fact that, again 'back in my day' Activision seemed to be publishing a brand new Spiderman game every 6 months or so. That vision actually formed for me quite a while before I'd ever seen it brought into fruition, because even when playing the PS1 Spiderman game from the 2000's (A cherished childhood memory of mine) the dreamer in me couldn't help but wish for a game where the swinging felt more... tactile. Maybe even a game wherein the city wasn't covered in a miasma-like fog that instantly killed you whenever you left the mission bounds, where 'swinging' actually connected to passing building and didn't just clutch onto the atmosphere (Which was actually used as an in-universe reason for what the webs were doing for one game), and the player could get the sense that they were just living the daily life of the Spider-Man. You know, swinging about the city as you please, rocking up to some criminals on the street and pounding them silly whilst making silly quips and swinging off as soon as it was done. It seemed a indistinct and wild dream. Then Spiderman 2 happened.

No, not the sequel to the 2000's game. (I've actually never played that game and seriously want to get around to it some day.) I'm talking about the movie licenced adaptation of the Spiderman 2 movie which held the crown for the best movie licenced game for an obscene amount of time. (Some would argue it still holds that crown.) Spiderman 2 was the dream for so many of us; open world exploration, a dive into so many of Spiderman's most famous villains and, of course, the swinging! Through a plethora of techniques including a rudimentary momentum system, speed effect visuals on the sides of the screen when swinging fast and the oft-forgotten rule of having Spiderman's webs actually connect to the buildings he was swinging from; (Thanks to an invisible fulcrum point present in the middle of all those buildings that Spiderman would stick to) players were sold into the web slinging fantasy like never before. That would remain the gold standard of Spiderman games forever more.

Even as we rocked past great to good Spiderman games from there on, the spectre of what Spiderman 2 accomplished in what it felt like to be the web-head, lingered on. Throughout the actually very underrated 'Ultimate Spiderman' game, the surprisingly influential 'Spiderman: Shattered Dimensions' (Which incidentally lead to the Spiderverse comic, then movie) and the somewhat overly ambitious and tonally confused 'Web of Shadows'. The giant of Spiderman 2 was tested, but never toppled by any one of these games; some from over a decade into the future! Having played them all (Except for 'Amazing Spiderman 2') I considered myself the expert on this trend of games failing to top what that glittering original set-up presented. Which is why it almost shocks me to say, even after all the excitement and fervour that Spiderman PS4 got when it launched, that this new Spiderman game (Which I played on PC) is the best Spiderman game ever made. On practically all grounds.

Insomniac Games knew the assignment exactly when the went into this game, tracking every single pressure point that each Spiderman game had suffered from over the years and hyper-focusing into resolving all of them and treating the property right. They made sure webs stuck to surfaces, Spiderman had a genuine walking cycle that didn't look ridiculous, and momentum built properly and felt satisfying to accumulate. And they were proud of their creation. You can tell how proud they were, given the fact that Insomniac designed the very beginning of this game to feature an iconic cutscene-to-action set-piece that transitions the player immediately into swinging with as little instruction as how to fire a web (with a trigger) and how to let go (by letting go of that same trigger) imparting immediately the inherently intuitive action of holding the web as long as Spiderman does. Simply elegant in it's execution.

I could probably dedicate an entire review just talking about the transcendent majesty of what Insomniac Games achieved with the swinging of Spiderman PS4, but that would be at risk of forgetting the other talents the game has. Such as the combat- a fantastic system obviously owing some connective tissue with the brilliant Arkham games for the fluid jump-around strike system with dodges, flips, special take-down build up meters and differing enemy types that require you to change up your strategy mid-stream. One big deviation is the exclusion of Batman's 'counter' button, which made it feasible for a player to take fights as a kind of defensives dance where each avoided attack stunned and hurt the offending enemy in an 'answer-response' pirouette of fists. Spiderman only dodges with each close call, meaning that you have to be on the offensive or else you'll never finish anyone off.

Spiderman's combat also doesn't link every combat gadget to a mixture of face buttons, which makes combat feel less like a mastery of a physical language of button prompts you have to memorise and more free-form- particularly in what these gadgets can do and how situationally versatile they can prove. Additionally, Spiderman's most useful alternative ability is his webs: the quickest way to take down anyone is to encase them in webs and then stick them to a surface, which becomes the meta making up most every fight once you get the hang of all your gadgets and movement abilities. Fortunately, the game provides just enough enemy variety that this is never as easy as it sounds, thus those few times when you can wipe out an entire street of enemies with a single web-bomb and then a concussion blast knocking everyone to a sticky wall, quite special. 

 

Another aspect of this Spiderman game that totally took me for a shock for how impressive it was: how the story is handled. Like all the most ambitious stories expecting to impress, Spiderman starts at the climax of another narrative, Spiderman's final battle with Wilson Fisk: The Kingpin. It's a short bevy of missions leading up to one explosive and destructive finale to a long standing crusade only ever hinted at. As this narrative takes place on year 8 of Spiderman's time in the suit, quite a lot of the previously established world and connections are conveyed by hints of the wall-crawler's illustrious crime-fighting history; which both works to the game's advantage in speeding past tedious and well-worn introductions to character's we've met a million times over and to it's disadvantage when it can leave you a little disoriented wondering where in Spiderman's life he currently is at with each of his friends and enemies.

By starting off in such a grand and impressive fashion, Insomniac were being clear with their mission statement. They wanted to show off the spectacle of the beginning and say "You ain't seen nothing yet" which is itself a bold challenge to make if the studio fails to live up to it; but then Insomniac are never 'under-achievers', now are they? Dealing with Wilson Fisk is only half of the intro, with the other half introducing a side to this Superhero story which is so often overlooked in these sorts of games that it genuinely surprised me when they showed it off: the human underneath the mask. Peter Parker and his personal struggles in life through searching for purpose in his work, fumbling through finances and potentially getting evicted and trying to navigate his breakup from Mary Jane; all play significant roles as important framing to the rest of the Spiderman package as Peter learns to "Accept that you're human, like the rest of us", as May puts it. Making a fine contrast to the Arkham games for which Rocksteady stubbornly insisted that Bruce Wayne had no place in their Batman story because this wasn't a "Business man simulator". Well Spiderman isn't a 'science guy simulator' either, but the human side of Peter plays a very important role in some of the genuinely effective emotional heights of Spiderman at it's best.

As an open world, Spiderman is, of course, full of side activities to keep the player busy and it's here where things could have gone really wrong if the developer's failed to provide good reason why the player should explore and care about the wider world and not just dedicate themselves to the core narrative. Here the team excelled with the introduction of 'activity tokens.' Essentially, every side activity, be it taking pictures of landmarks, tracking down old backpacks or beating up criminals in the street, all award you with a certain token representative of that activity; these count towards the crafting system allowing players to craft slotable perks or, more exciting, suits! Spiderman features dozens of unlockable and craftable alternate suits from newly designed costumes to comic book inspired outfits to faithful recreations of every single costume worn in each of the live action movies. Including the 4 different outfits that Tom Holland's Spiderman has worn throughout the MCU. (And his mechanical eyes even work in cutscenes) It's incredible work that the team achieved such a level of customisation potential. Identifying real reasons that players would want to do side activities and making that the sensible reward- simple genius.

The backpack collectibles are especially clever, as the various mementos that Spiderman collects tell the piece-meal story of Peter's early years, from Winning the Wilson Fisk science competition (and moralistically turning down that prize) to leaving the Daily Bugle in order to become a researcher- with the full image becoming clearer to the player with the more you collect. Kind of similar to the way that Miyazaki designs his narrative in his Souls' games. (Yeah, I found a way to drag his name into a Spiderman review! And what?) None of the collectibles are thrown out into the wild as just a nothing objective to keep players busy, as sometimes becomes the hallmark of less lovingly crafted open world games. This is how you ensure you're players want to stick around for the long haul, and is probably the reason why I actually ended up 100%-ing the game. 

One of the most effective design decisions, and one I've seen reflected in a few games starting to pick up on what a good idea this is, would be the inclusion of dynamic objectives whenever you enter a fight. Small side objectives that challenge you to do a certain combat action for an extra token, nudging the player to try out different moves and abilities so that they end up naturally expanding their moveset outside of just what works into what is fun to work with. This comes together beautifully in one of my favourite, whilst also one of the most basic, activities; the Strongholds. Throwing 6 waves of enemies at you can easily be a recipe for disaster (See: Watch_Dogs Legion) but when you have this many combat options, with distinct enemy variations per faction, coming together to make a dynamic and fluid combat system: waves just feel like the perfect excuse to let every strategy and gadget fly freely. (Although I do think the progressive 'String X number of combo moves together' challanges got excessive. The last one was 95 hits- were they high?)

My only real gripe with this would be two fold; firstly, I genuinely can't stand the design of one of the most important suits. And yes, it's the one on the front cover. It's actually not the bright white spider logo on the chest, I actually like that spider- it's the faded out red on the rest of his suit. Why is it such a faded red? Every other outfit picks a more royal and impressive red- why cheap out for the main game suit? And secondly, out of all the activities available to the player, the Harry Osborn stations are the most annoying. It's not that they're repetitive, actually each comes with it's own mini side mission designed to give the player differing tasks- it's honestly just the concept of helping these research stations be 'useful to Oscorp' which I can't help but find ultimately dull. I didn't care enough and the missions were too involved to not be brushed past without a care, requiring cutscenes and scene transitions and all that guff. 

One way in which Insomniac chose to change up their gameplay was with the inclusion of a few minigames, similar to the Arkham series; but I guess getting into the Yakuza franchise has slightly ruined by sensibilities because I found myself annoyed by how undeveloped and basic they were. The 'Pipes' minigame was so derivative I literally rolled my eyes when I first saw it (And the inclusion of 'directional' pipes is such a non factor I'm confused why the team bothered) and the spectrograph minigame just instilled me with dread everytime it came up. I think that was the dread of getting a relatively simple puzzle that my blockhead couldn't wrap itself around. (Which was often.) Overall, not the best minigames.

Another 'switch it up' gameplay idea would be when the game decides to take you out of the shoes of Spidey and put you in the powerless boots of Mary Jane Watson or Miles Morales for a stealth sneak section. As far as 'changing the pace' goes, I'll admit that these moments are conceptually good. However when the core gameplay of Spiderman is as good as it is, being ripped away for even one brief section of gameplay does start to feel like torture after a while. Especially considering how many times it happens; I counted something in the real of 5 separate 'powerless' scenes throughout the game! That being said, the team are creative with these moments, and I thought it was genuinely clever to have one scene as Mary Jane directing Spiderman through a 'Predator' stealth section; switching perspective to be the human working with the superhero- very clever.

Whilst I'm talking about them, let me cover the 'extended cast' for a little bit. Miles is great as the literal personification of a younger Peter, so we can get a mirrored origin narrative without rehashing the same beats we all know ad nauseum. Miles has such energy to him as a bright and excitable teen that he comes across as fun and easy to like. Mary Jane has actually undergone some alterations for this incarnation of her, becoming a journalist instead of a model. Now conceptually that is a little trite- she can now join the 'reporter girlfriends' club with Lois Lane and Iris West, but I understand why it's such a cliché. 'Journalism' is a sensible way to combine the super-hero activity of the hero with their crime reporting spouse. However I was a little disappointed to discover the reason why she and Pete broke up. The "You always baby me" plot point is eye-wateringly overdone in Super hero media; with the whole ''why won't you let me get myself killed going against a room full of armed gangsters?' sounding more like an exercise in jealous overcompensating at this point. But I'll admit that this Spiderman does at least frame it's writing well enough that this iteration of the idea doesn't grate too much, and the actual actress who portrays Mary Jane works wonderfully with her material to be likable despite the less-than-bountiful roots of the character sheet.

Yuri Lowenthal is the actor hired to fill the very tall boots of Spiderman throughout this narrative, and his role as Spiderman hits every single note you'd need it to and even touches on some emotional highpoints I didn't anticipate as Peter Parker. (And during the inevitable collision of those two identities.) Spiderman is quippy and juvenile in a mostly friendly way, circling on the verge of being annoying but never quite falling into that trap. (I really thought the 'Spider-cop routine would get stale quick, but it actually made me laugh near the end. And now I feel forlorn calling back to it!) And by the late act we really get to see the pain and pleading in Peter's voice as he's dragged to his limits. I seriously came away from the game wondering how on earth Insomniac is going to dig deeper into this character to justify a series they seem dead-set on following. Which is a good feeling to have, by the way, because it means I felt satisfied and happy with the extent this story alone explored!

Speaking of that third act, I was pleasantly surprised by the competency of this team to depict the rising stakes and tension of the plot through the state of the world. Act 2 being the rise of the police state looming over the freedoms of the city with Act 3 being the total break-down of every concept of 'order' that New York was clinging to. That third act was a total paradigm shift to the level of GTA San Andreas' final act world state, only I think that this game had something of a superior depiction due to Spiderman's web slinging deftness which allows him to navigate a riot-strewn hellscape without being a victim constantly in danger of it. The riots are an atmospheric complement to the heights of the plot rather than an overwhelming force deconstructing the player's ability to enjoy that atmosphere.

Spiderman seems to really understand the importance of allowing the player to be in control as much as possible, so that they can take everything in at their own pace. You're constantly being given the free reign to explore and do what you want, quests don't nag you to complete them every few seconds, you never have a timer to reach a location no matter how dire the supposed stakes are. One might suspect that such a freedom might sacrifice agency, but if you are invested enough in the plot (which a story as well written as this one should achieve with no problem) then the agency confers itself to the player without it having to hang around their neck like a noose. It's this sense of freedom that brings me back to the brilliance of the navigation, which really is the cornerstone of the entire game. The swinging being as good as it is, I honestly enjoyed going from A to B more than fighting. Which isn't to say that the combat was bad at all, because it isn't; but the navigation really is just that much fun!

If only I could extend the same gratis to the game's many boss fights. In their haste to be accessible, I think the team boxed themselves a little into a corner when it came to designing really mechanically distinct boss fights. Essentially every boss fight works like this: stun the boss and then wail on them until the stun wears off. That stun can be from throwing some debris in their face or webbing them up... and that's about it. Each fight is wreathed in so much spectacle and fantastic circumstance to fool you that this boss might be different, before devolving into that same pattern once again. It's all about just figuring out where the opportunity to stun lies, with the only fights that dares to slightly change things up being the Rhino fight and the literal last fight of the last DLC: Sliver Lining. None of these fights are challenging in the slightest. I'm not asking for anything to the level of Sekiro, I just want a boss I have to roll my sleeves up for and come away going "Phew, that was a battle!" Arkham didn't have the greatest boss encounters either, but at least they were all mechanically creative; Spiderman could learn a little something from the caped crusader.

Visually the city of New York looks incredible, even if we only get to explore one of it's islands. (No Statue of Liberty visit? I'm shocked!) The street feels populated, the sun glares gloriously, and I feel the need to take screenshots constantly. Speaking of- can I just thank the Spiderman team for including one of the best photomodes ever? Selfie options, stickers, filters, the ability to photomode in-engine cutscenes! For a 'screenshot junkie' like me this really is the dream scenario, as I'm sure you can see from the abundance of bad composition pictures I have stuck everywhere up and down this page. Graphically gorgeous without melting computer components; that is the mark of a solidly constructed game with a great art direction.

Music of course bears mentioning, as the many themes of Spiderman are often the only ambient sounds you have to accompany you through long stretches of swinging. I think the main overworld music is fittingly sweeping and orchestral, rivalling that sense of adventure and grandeur of my favourite Sam Raimi score. (I wonder if there might have been some small inspiration there.) Character themes didn't really start standing out to me until the DLC, wherein we had Hammerhead's 70's gangster movie motif and Black Cat's shrill and scene-cutting track which seems to make her the centre of attention wherever she goes. (Just like the character)

Speaking of, the 'City Never Sleeps' DLC presents a narrative much more inline with what the Spiderman games had been used to in my childhood. Traditional stakes, Spidey-centric narratives, bombast with only a touch of genuine pathos wound in there. I actually think that this slight divergence in tone helped wind down from the emotionally charged final act of Spiderman which doesn't really need to be met until a sequel. (Presumably with the Venom encounter which sounds a lot more juicy after seeing the tease at the end of the main game.) I also quite liked the small teasers for 'Spiderman: Miles Morales' that Insomniac managed to sneak in there too, edging me to play that game next as if the supremacy of the main game wasn't going to get me there anyway.

Summary

Spiderman is a well trodden character both in comics and games, such to the point I wouldn't have expected to be impressed either narratively or in gameplay by yet another 'fresh take' of the beloved franchise. But  this Spiderman slapped that preconceived notion right out of my mouth. It easily trounces all previous Spiderman games in almost every metric that matters, delivers the definitive swinging experience, the best combat any Spiderman game has known and the strongest narrative interweaving the stories of the masked menace and Peter Parker, with a little of Miles' origin story sprinkled on top for a balanced meal. Insomniac have proven their mastery of the action adventure genre once again by giving a full feeling open world where the navigation mechanic alone is worthy of the price of admission and 100% completion comes naturally as a course of loving being in this game world.

Through many years of attempts and reiterations and revisits of the concept, we've finally reached a game that nails the feeling of being Spiderman, even despite the few hang-ups I encountered with some aspects such as the wanting boss design I'd go so far as to call this a simply legendary game and a standard to which future super hero games simply must be judged. As such, you can probably guess that I'm heading towards a fine 'recommend' on Spiderman Remastered for PC. Additionally, I've only just about hit on the arbitrary grade of A+, falling short only because decent Boss Fights would have been the ribbon on this package that would have secured my first S rank review. Still, this is simply a must have for everyone who grew up loving the age of Spiderman media and hoping a radioactive insect would give them a bite. You know... without causing instant cellular breakdown...

There COULD be a Hitman movie

 I know it can work! I just need to crack that formula...

So let's start by saying the obvious: The Hitman movies were bad. I think... everyone can agree on that much, right? Of course not. Of course there's going to be one outlier in the world who rants and raves daily about how "sick" it was "When Forty-Seven stood in the middle of the street like a startled sasquatch bullet-time shooting all these cops on ziplines who all appear to be doing nothing to prevent their obvious impending demise", but aside from little endorphin hits like that; I'm pretty sure we can all agree that as adaptations of the Hitman property both those films are objectively failures. But by some strange merit not at all like myself, I can't help but feel somewhat forgiving to those movies, because in a way it's not their fault how they totally missed the mark. Well, it is their fault- but only because their creators followed the established and staunch directives of traditional Hollywood media, where Hitman soared to the place it is in pop culture by being just that little bit different than what you would expect.

See, the connective tissue that ties together both of the failure Hitman movies is the basic idea that both are action gun-slinging films staring a calm-mannered bald-headed protagonist who communicates only in pithy dryly ironic remarks. And if you squint your eyes than that doesn't seem too far off from the actual Hitman franchise we love. Thus these movies turn into action romps of adrenaline filled carnage where Agent 47 is the 'man on fire'  tossed in the middle of a carnage of death. Of course every film needs to challenge it's heroes, and most action movies fall into the pattern where the situation slips out of the control of the protagonist and they need to skirt past danger by the skin of their teeth- but such doesn't really fit 47's character. He is the definition of control in most everyone situation. Which is why the movies tend to lean more the direction of John Wick; where the scale of the situation seems to veer towards the insurmountable almost as a dare to the protagonist to see if this is one obstacle too much. (Which, it inevitably, is not.)

Of course, there is a fundamental problem with this set-up. Namely, that Hitman is not an action series regardless of what a few misguided missions from the literal first Hitman game might lead you to believe, (We forget about those outliers for a pointed reason) Hitman is much more akin to an espionage thriller. Yes, Agent 47 is a contract killer who travels around the world performing audacious and impossible hits on a cadre of increasingly bizarre and enigmatic villains, but he does so methodically, atypically and, canonically, without ever being noticed and/or without anyone knowing it was an assassination in the first place. That's his talent- utter, unbreakable discretion. Which is what makes is so frustratingly galling that every adaptation thus far has featured the man going on massive shooting sprees in the middle of the street. How is his increadibly distinctive face going to brag it's way to a Visa now? Did you ever even stop to consider that, Square franchise right's holders?

When it comes to Hitman, my real love for the franchise didn't really descend into the ravenous pits of hunger within which it currently resides until very painfully recently, with the release of Hitman: No Subtitle. I absolutely adore that game, mechanically, thematically, intellectually; I believe it to be a masterpiece of game design and weep openly when explaining it's many ascendant attributes in conversation with others- simply because I must confer to them the same level of reverence that was conferred on to me. I often stare them in the eyes and make them swear never once to whisper anything bad about that seraphic angel of a video game- and I'm just starting to come around to the reason why I actually don't have any friends... wow, that's a stark reality check...

My point is, Hitman: No Subtitle really gets what Hitman is about at a fundamental level, unfortunately that level of innate understanding doesn't translate so effortlessly to film. Because at it's heart Hitman is about choice and replayability; which... well, only Clue got away with multiple endings in the cinema as far as I'm aware. (And even then, the multiple endings are considered the reason why the movie itself was a bomb) Alternatively, Hitman is also about strategy, creativity and controlled execution- which itself presents a little bit of a challenge being presented to screen as none of those inherently scream: 'exciting screen action' at a glance. If 47 spends all of his time observing his target, figuring out how to get close without being seen and then perfectly orchestrating a 'Rube-Goldberg' style death trap, that might be satisfying for a player but the audience aren't getting that all important peril they're searching for. Watching someone who's great at everything constantly succeed isn't what Cinema is about- that's what Isekai anime is about!

Once upon a time I did actually write an awful screenplay for a brief Hitman scene, more to try and test out the way that I thought the franchise could be translated to film. I handled the perspective of the audience as a sort of omniscient observer, taking them mostly to focus on the personality of the target and their daily set-up with the arrival of 47 and his antics being more background noise that would occasionally leach the spotlight before giving it back to the target. In this way I hoped to create the effect that 47 was some sort of lurking animal stalking around his prey in a manner that seems purposeful even if the audience couldn't quite work out what he was up to, such as through the way he'd lure someone into a bathroom with an errant noise and then leave wearing their clothes. Only after the big assassination did I adopt a more traditional scene progression, focusing on 47 as he made his wrap up and slipped out of the ceremony. The pages themselves were trash and I sincerely hope I burned them, but I think the idea works in playing up the mystique of the character and treating him almost as the antagonistic force threatening the scene- feeding that all important 'gun in the crowd' mythos.

Unfortunately an approach like that only really works for a single, preferably introductory, scene; and to expand that out into an entire movie one would have to be a bit more clever. And actually, I think the video game 'Hitman Absolution' knew how to handle this well. In Absolution there are several missions wherein 47 is thrown into situations out of his control that leave the bald assassin on the back foot, but the way the game handles it never forces him to morph into the immortal blink-assassin that the movies always fall for. Absolution chucks him into an abandoned book store with Police searching about for him, requiring 47 to stealth his way past their torch beams by the skin of his teeth. That game blew up his hostel and set an entire ICA death squad on him, planting a bruised and beaten 47 in a game of cat and mouse with his weird erotic Nun foils. (I don't know why the ICA employs fetish Nuns.) Absolution may not have been the most faithful Hitman game in it's structure, but bizarrely I think it knew how to command the spectacle of a 'movie' better than any attempt has managed thus far.

As much as I deride the failures for their attempts, there is a potential in a Hitman movie being made. Not to say I particularly want one, but after The Last of Us met some actual critical aplomb there really is no longer a question of 'will they, won't they'. However, Square has been deprived rights over the franchise and now, probable Lex Corp subsidiary, 'Embracer Group' have their hands on it. Oh wait... actually I totally forgot that IOI left Square before they got sold off to Embracer! I guess that gives us... two maybe three years before Embracer buys them up too in their 'Absorbaloff' style conquest of all the known universe. What I'm saying is that another Hitman movie is inevitably coming, it's up to us to make sure that it is the right movie when it arrives.

Even Tetris has a movie now.

 That one I didn't see coming.

I have been somewhat outspoken in the past about my feeling regarding video game movies, or adaptations of video games to screen in general. I think that they're inherently flawed from a deeply fundamental level simply because the thought process that goes into creating a piece of interactive media is distinct from that which goes into making a visual one and very few people seem prepared to bridge that gap. This strange sort of consensus has settled over the general populace that there are only a few static right ways to tell a story, which rubs off in such a manner that the perception of 'whoever doesn't tell stories in a way I'm used to do is doing it wrong' proliferates. (Itself an embarrassingly narrow minded perspective). Ultimately this means that 'video games to non-interactive media' tends to suffer from fundamental approach modulation and unshakable public stigma simply for the crime of where the source has come from. Making a movie around video games that feels natural and looks good seems like a herculean task at that point.

But I guess I never really took into account the possibility of a 'video game' movie in only the technical sense, such as the sense it is meant for this upcoming Tetris movie. Honestly, my actual stomach churned like a mill when I saw the name 'Tetris' on a movie trailer, instantly calling to mind horror-thoughts of the Emoji movie. Talking Tetrahedrons with eyes and mouths going on some sad adventure through an ugly and stereotypical Wreck-it Ralph clone world imparting some obnoxious insincere moral message about how "being yourself is the only way to be!" What a total load of crock that cookie-cutter children's trite message always is! Who ever made it anywhere in life being themselves? Everywhere you go and everything you attempt will be a balancing act of whether you can morphed into the image that someone wants of you, and if they consider that too hard a task then you're just not worth their hassle. That's the way of job's, social circles and relationships- being yourself is the greatest roadblock one can slap in front of themselves!

Wait- what was I talking about? I think I went on a rant... Oh yeah, the Tetris movie! So then here comes the Tetris movie and there was I, approaching the trailer expecting a rehash of the worst of animated movies before realising to my utmost relief: "Oh thank god, it's just a biopic!" It's actually both surprising and really-not-all-that surprising that we don't get more biopics focused around the world of games, considering they're the most profitable entertainment industry in the world currently. Off the top of my head the only other attempt I can think of would be the Daniel Radcliffe 'Rockstar' movie, which I believe was denounced by the portrayed parties themselves. Of course, then I think about it and remember that the video game industry is obscenely new when it comes to forms of art; less than 50 years old in the grand scheme of things. How many truly interesting stories with a wide appeal could have spawned in such a narrow space of time? And is the creation of Tetris one of them?

I'll admit, when it comes to Tetris my knowledge of the matter goes about as far as anyone elses. I know that it was one of those 'lighting in a bottle' mechanical ideas that has proven so timeless that the game hasn't been 'improved' upon in any ironclad way since it was first released. I also believed that the game itself was Russian, as I believe did all of the world. The visual theming, the music itself, the general premise of ill-shaped pieces fitting together to score points being itself a slightly skewered interpretation of the collaborative sentiments at the beating heart of communism. (Hmm? Was that last one a bit of a stretch?) All of which is why I approached the Tetris movie, starring a decidedly non-Russian sounding Taron Edgerton, with a fair bit of scepticism. But to be honest I have no deeply researched insight on the creation of Tetris, I'm as clued in as a quick Google search could make a man... Perhaps there is a deeply interesting tale of... international espionage? Okay, now you're pushing against my credulity!

What we've got here is a film designed in a style similar, to borrow the description of the film's main star, to The Social Network. And right away I have to admit that comparison makes my skin crawl. It's not that I don't like the film about Mark Zuckerberg's contentious early years, I can just easily interpret the way mimicking such an approach will end up painting the story of Tetris' creation and in turn find myself squinting my eyes ready to see some straight falsities chucked at the screen. And that was before I watched the trailer and saw Soviet car chases. Now to be fair, again I do not know the real story of how this game made it to fruition. But when a trailer turns around and literally tells me this is "The story you couldn't make up" I'm put on guard. You can probably count on one hand the number of historical movies that claim accuracy and deliver a pale insult to the very concept of it.

But divorcing the real story and taking the film for what it purposes to be; I will admit that I think the trailer seems somewhat fun. I like the idea of sprucing up an otherwise potentially drab biopic with stylisation and graphical motifs here and there, not sure if the 'historical jukebox' concepts from the trailer would make it into the movie as well but I honestly don't mind if they do. I suppose there's nothing wrong with the idea of a crazy and zany movie depicting a story 'we think we know'; but I just get worked up at the presumption of truth tied up there. And is Tetris really the be-all end-all game industry story? Why not depict a company that still has relevance in the modern day? Why not make a biopic which could be just as interesting, following the real history of Nintendo?

Yeah, I always come back to the big N with stories like this, don't I? But can you blame me? Nintendo literally got it's big break as a company by mass producing Hanafuda playing cards in the express knowledge that such cards were popular for the time because they circumvented Japan's strict anti-gambling laws and thus were coveted by the Yakuza. Nintendo directly profited off of the illegal operations of Japan's biggest criminal syndicate before the company took off to where it is today! That's crazy interesting! And you could find a way to tie SEGA up in that story, given that several anecdotal accounts exist linking some higher-ups over in SEGA with existing Yakuza family members. (So if you ever wonder why Kiryu from Yakuza is depicted as the single most honourable man in Japan, more so than the police; well... you can consider that a case of guerrilla marketing.) 

As is the case with a lot of these video game adjacent movies, I find my interest slightly more piqued simply for the subject matter than I would be for watching this straight up. Similar to 'Dungeons and Dragons: Honour Among Thieves', objectively I would call the trailer a little ropey and eye-rolling. But knowing that this is going to be one of the lenses through which the general audience will inevitably view my world itself makes it almost necessary that I take the time out to go see it. Not necessarily to 'hate watch', mind you- I fully want the thing to be good... let's just say that I will approach expecting the worst but happily open to receive anything but. Who knows, maybe it'll end up another mindlessly fun romp like Uncharted.